I think I'm topping from the bottom - Am I submissive?

Hello everyone, I think I’ve just had a realization that might clarify a lot about my identity, and I’d love your thoughts…

At nearly 22 years old (just turned 21), I’ve been part of the chastity world in one way or another since age 11. When I was eleven, a friend sent me a link to isn’t the same site it is today—and while we lost touch for years after that, that moment sparked my journey from female bondage and BDSM into both female and male chastity. For reasons obvious to me, I gravitated toward male chastity because it was easier to practice this lifestyle at a young age than finding a female partner would have been back then. My first DIY contraption involved duct tape and other materials. I clearly recall having my first orgasm while putting myself into some form of bondage. Later, when I was 14, I bought my first commercial device, the CB3000, and now I’ve moved up to my second CB6000.

Over time, I tried involving three different people in this fetish, but it didn’t quite match my expectations. The first person wasn’t very involved, so our arrangement was short-lived. With the second person, though—someone who never knew how genuinely aroused I felt—I tried to weave a fantasy around us and constantly steered the dynamic toward dominance.

The third person was my ex-girlfriend of about 18 months (we split up just over a month ago). I told her everything: she understood that it turned me on significantly, and what parts worked or didn’t for me. However, the issue I’m spotting tonight is that I have been ‘topping from the bottom’ all along because perhaps I am not truly submissive? It feels like I am someone with a dominant spirit who wants to be submissive.

For instance, when my ex would pinch or bite me on the balls, I’d often stop her unless she had physically restrained me. Even if I didn’t mind it, mentally I struggled just to accept it; I needed to convince myself that being forced made it acceptable. The same logic applied to the cage.

When she told me to lock up, I would ask, ‘Are you sure?’ as if questioning her authority. Eventually, even when she commanded me to lock up, I wanted her to do it for me because why would I want to put myself away? Surely no one in their right mind wants to lock themselves up… (Well, obviously they can—lol—but that’s exactly what I’ve done plenty of times and told her about).

Things reached a point where she stopped enjoying the play because 1) she wasn’t great at setting things up, and 2) I was taking away some of the fun. So my big realization tonight (while chatting with an online dom who tried to get me to send her money when I asked ‘why?’) is that maybe I’m not really submissive. At least, that’s what I think now; perhaps it’s just something I’ve learned to like because it’s so accessible for someone alone. If I had a submissive woman by my side, I feel I could grow into that role more naturally. But given all these years of orgasms going the other way, it might take some time.

Does anyone have any insights?

By the way, over the YEARS of knowing this lifestyle inside out, I’ve read thousands of posts across various sites and blogs—almost once a day since I was 13 or 14. I watched this chastity community evolve through countless forums that came and went. THIS site is my first post ever here. Although other communities have been around longer, in my experience—and looking back at all the activity stored up over the years—I feel the people here are the most genuine and down-to-earth. Even though I’m just one random face in this vast internet landscape, based on my history, if I could give an award for future promise to a forum, it would be yours:)

Sorry for writing a novel.

Wow. Let me simplify this. You are mixing up the concept of **chastity**/**orgasm** control with submission. They aren't identical; while they often overlap, chastity is more of a kink, whereas submission is primarily a mindset (and I can already hear the counter-arguments forming). It's worth noting that there is a decent number of self-proclaimed **dominant** partners who actually enjoy being locked up. Back in the day, there used to be a Yahoo group dedicated exactly to this type of dynamic. You aren't necessarily submissive; you just get your kink from denial or control. And yes, we are indeed quite the wonderful group, right?:)

> The problem however that I am just realizing tonight is that I topped from the bottom ALL the time, because, I am not a submissive? It's like I am a dominant person that wants to be submissive... > An example of this would be when my ex would pinch me or bite me on my balls I would stop her, unless I was restrained. I didnt like it but I couldnt mentally tell myself to take it, I had to tell myself it was only ok if I was forced. Same with the cage. You are definitely not alone in this view. I am anti-authoritarian and tend to assume positions of power, dominance, and authority over others in 'real life'. I am most certainly *not* 'submissive'. However, I get extremely turned on by **bondage**, **forced** control, and consensual non-consent (meaning: aside from a few hard limits—things that absolutely must not happen—once I agree to participate in a 'scene', my partner has the power to make me engage in any sexual/fetish activities she desires, regardless of whether I personally want to do them at that moment).

Yes...let us all bask in the normalcy of our specific paraphilia!:mrgreen:

I submit quite willingly to my wife within our FLR dynamic, and it is a way of life in its purest form. **Chastity** fits into that lifestyle seamlessly, and neither of us would change anything about it. Why does everything need a label? Why can't something just be what it is?

You have to understand that there are natural **dominant**s who enjoy the role and will perform it because they genuinely want to. Female versions of this personality type can be harder to find. There are also MANY females who are NOT dominant and prefer to stay away from it entirely. Getting such a person to play the dominant role for more than just a short session is unlikely. Then there are those in between. They may do it because they are trying to meet your needs, but nothing will turn them off faster if you 'top from the bottom' or fail to be **submissive**. They don't want to discipline you and aren't likely to force you. If she says "put it on" and you say "no," she'll just reply "OK" and leave it at that. Ron