How can you identify a potential partner for chastity among ordinary people?

Diving deeper into MC and D/s has given me a fresh perspective: This weekend, I went to the cinema with an ex-boyfriend who is now a close friend. He let me pick the movie, the time, AND a suburban theater 5 miles from his place, even though he lives right next door to a stunning downtown multiplex with 18 screens (it just wasn’t showing my top choice). He also volunteered to come get me at my house, which is three miles in the opposite direction. Just as the movie was starting, I awkwardly dropped the lid off my coffee. Before I could even say “uh oh,” he got up and made the long walk back to bring me a new one (with extra cream and sugar, just in case). I recalled how he acted when we were dating. He really did treat me like royalty. Oh, those wonderful hand massages! With this new, perhaps overly active lens of mine, I’m starting to think he might have been a stealth submissive. One reason we split was because our sexual chemistry wasn’t quite right. Although he took charge— it never crossed my mind that I should take the lead— he seemed hesitant and anxious about his performance, so much so that I started pretending sex didn’t matter because it put too much pressure on him. He was perfectly enthusiastic (and heterosexual) with porn, but real life wasn’t working out for him. I’m wondering if chastity might be something he’d find intriguing, in case he hasn’t already looked into it. Guys: are there signals to look for? Is this a topic you can bring up with someone you’re not sleeping with, even if you’re close? If it’s too risky or sensitive I’ll leave it be. And by the way, I wouldn’t drop the subject right on his head in a “Hey, I suspect you’re submissive and also think you might enjoy being locked up to relax about your erections” kind of way. I’d just mention that I’ve been exploring chastity and sexual power dynamics myself and then gently wade into his opinions on the matter.

I honestly don't think there is such a thing as a chastity radar. There may be some telltale signs that he is already wearing one: an odd lock-shaped bulge in his pants, blushing at the slightest touch from his partner, or a noticeable key/key motif on him. But I doubt you could really know for sure without asking.

I agree, I don't think there is a chastity radar like the gaydar thing. Your ex may be submissive and not even realize it. Sounds like he might be. Also, he could just be a genuinely nice guy! Tread lightly if you want to bring up the subject with him. This could be the missing piece in your previous relationship. It's unique and wonderful for those involved. It could open up an entirely new, satisfying world for both of you.

I think I would approach it using the "Hey, I read an interesting story online" method. Then tell him the "story" about a couple in an FLR and MC dynamic. Let him know that you found it really intriguing and are keen to find a guy who would respond well to that type of relationship structure. Ask for his thoughts on it. If he still seems hesitant, ask him what kind of fantasy relationship he would want if he could have any.

Yeah, I think you may indeed have had a submissive guy on your hands. That said, he might or might not be interested in chastity games. My advice would be to FIRST see if there's a D/s dynamic between the two of you now. If that works, THEN explore whether chastity could fit into it. I'm not overly submissive myself, but I love chastity play. Still, if a woman approached me and led with "I want to lock up cocks", I might not be interested. For me, chastity play is about enhancing sexual fun, not eliminating it. If you lead with chastity, you need to be VERY clear on what kind of play interests you. mikecb

My guess is there are plenty of guys who don't mind being teased by an attractive woman. Does it have to jump straight into a device? I think not. I'm amazed at how many people find devices weird. But there's a whole spectrum of orgasm denial, from extremely vanilla to very kinky. If you're interested in the guy, why not see how keen he stays if he gets teased a bit?

It depends on how close you are these days and how easy it will be to bring up. But one question I feel you should ask yourself before talking sexual subjects with the guy is "am I interested in another relationship with him?" It sounds like you might be.

I love the term chastity candidate in the wild. Look for a man who puts women first, looks up to them, is eager to please ladies and takes a 'back seat' when making decisions. Under those circumstances, take him by the hand. When he has fallen head over heels for you, gently suggest that his being in chastity would make you very happy.

To be honest, everything you (Princess K) said sounds like me. I tend to treat my female friends nicely, like princesses, etc. Now, while I am into chastity and lean submissive, none of that is why I do those things. That's just my personality; if I genuinely enjoy being around someone, I'll go out of my way for them a bit. Not massively so—I wouldn't drive 30 miles to pick you up for a movie—but eight miles? That's nothing. I do more than that to school/work. I was like this even before discovering my submissive side and chastity stuff. I'm just, and always have been, a nice guy who enjoys spending time with friends and doing things. That isn't to say you might not be right about him; the GF who got me into all this was correct about me—but prepare for it to go south... especially since he's an ex. Also, really consider why you're thinking of bringing it up to him. Are you fairly sure it fits his personality? Or are letting your imagination run slightly based on what you've read? Projecting yourself/your expectations onto him? Even if we don't realize it, that's something we do all the time and is actually why stories work; we cheer the hero and hiss at the villain.

See now, THIS is why your feedback is invaluable! I was thinking like a typical woman and putting my ex in the same category as one of my gal pals: if I'm into something cool and think a friend would enjoy it, then I want to share. My original question was about whether there's any chance I'm reading him right or projecting something onto what is simply nice-guy behavior (as Sub Cy and happyman1 suggested) and how I might broach the subject. But what I see in several responses is the assumption that I'm inserting myself into his chastity or D/s play. Oh no! We've successfully reached that lovely Jerry/Elaine stage where there's no residual sexual chemistry between us. Plus, I'm already in another relationship (the one that got me on this forum). But I can see how this would be confusing and that's actually the real landmine here. So, I'll continue to wonder, both because I really want him to be happy and because I still muse about what went wrong with us back then. Clearly, I need to keep my mouth shut! It would be a mess if he inferred that I want to reboot our old relationship. And anyway, regarding any kink, it would totally be the blind leading the blind! Maybe someday, he'll find an experienced domme to bring out the best in him.;)

There's a guy from work who has recently moved into our neighborhood. It's long been established that his wife wears the trousers in their marriage but on New Years Eve they were both a bit tipsy and she made statements that suggested (at least) orgasm denial & cross dressing taking place between them. He didn't challenge her once over this. Now I'm paying a little more attention to them at work socials, BBQs etc. to see if this is the case or whether I'm just reading too much into what was said.

> member_89790178fc wrote: > But what I see in several responses is the assumption that I'm inserting myself into his chastity or D/s play. Oh no! We've successfully reached that lovely Jerry/Elaine stage where there's no residual sexual chemistry between us. Plus, I'm already in another relationship (the one that got me on this forum). But I can see how this would be confusing and that's actually the real landmine here. Real and VERY major. I mean I don't know how "into you" he still is or anything, even with you being in a relationship now... But if he IS that way it wouldn't be hard for him to take that the total wrong way. Again going back to the comparison to me here (sorry but like I said it sounds really similar... like to the point if I'd been at a movie around the time you'd posted that I woulda been like "wait....") I'm in a relationship right now, but if I wasn't and this old GF of mine whom I'm like that with now came up and went "hey are you submissive?" Whoa boy could my mind start running and that ever so itsy bitsy teeny tiny spark there could start back into a fire.

I'd have to say that over the years I've done a lot of research and reading on D/s through forums, books, a play party or two, and serious psych research papers. The verdict in my opinion on spotting chastity candidates or subs at all for that matter is: You can't. There are subtle signs sure but the bottom line is you never really know. I for instance am a switch, enjoy both roles GREATLY, however in my everyday life I am a total alpha with an alpha job and combat training. I'm a gentleman and very polite but also very much a leader and from what I've been told God help the person who crosses me. Some subs are "walk all over me, I'm a doormat" type subs while others (like me) are what I like to describe as "The Knight". We serve our queens with loyalty, honor, and obey them however if they let us off our leashes and point to something while uttering "Destroy" you better believe whatever they just pointed at will be dust in a matter of moments. The same goes for dominants and kinksters in general. If you saw my SO in public you'd think "Wow...what a lovely, reserved, and well mannered woman." Behind closed doors...well she's just awesome and I'll leave it at that.;)

> There are subtle signs sure but the bottom line is you never really know. I for instance am a switch, enjoy both roles GREATLY, however in my everyday life I am a total alpha with an alpha job and combat training. I'm a gentleman and very polite but also very much a leader and from what I've been told God help the person who crosses me. > Some subs are "walk all over me, I'm a doormat" type subs while others (like me) are what I like to describe as "The Knight". We serve our queens with loyalty, honor, and obey them however if they let us off our leashes and point to something while uttering "Destroy" you better believe whatever they just pointed at will be dust in a matter of moments. This almost mirrors me as well, and as at least several assholes have discovered, I am perfectly willing and able to end or ruin the life of anyone who tries to hurt or abuse my 'Lady'.