Zen and the Practice of Men's Chastity

Today, after eighteen months out, I am back in chastity. I will be wearing the device until our Fall semester ends in December. Then I will have freedom during the Winter break. After that, we’ll see what happens. I have been studying Zen this Summer and I look forward to applying my learning to how we practice my chastity. It’s interesting that both Zen and chastity are “practiced” because they are disciplines that seem impossible for us to fully master. They require daily action. Before entering chastity, like many of you, I struggled with our sex life. I became angry and frustrated, leading to much fighting. Male chastity helped alleviate this significantly. Yet even then we sometimes had difficulties. I chafed against the control while she occasionally felt the weight of her KH burden. For me, Zen revealed that my previous struggles stemmed from always thinking if only I had that, then I would be happy. This was the same issue before chastity. Zen is about living in the present. Now. This moment. It involves being fully awake to what you are experiencing right now. That is what I want to bring into my time in chastity. I want to stop worrying about what we could do, or what she might do for me, or even what I can give her. We all have desires; this doesn’t mean I must eliminate them entirely. No. It means not holding so tightly to what I want that I miss receiving and experiencing the present moment. Do I want to be out? Do I want to be inside her? Yes, of course. But at the moment just feel the steel around my cock. Enjoy how it swells within it. Feel it. Examine it mentally. All its sensations. Will she play with me later? It doesn’t matter. Live this right now. Frustration? Embrace it. So, this is my goal. Though it has been a while! Michael

Well said, Michael. I am not knowledgeable about Zen, but you are right that many of us think about what we would like to have rather than appreciating what we've got. That is one of the most difficult things about this lifestyle along with patience. Great post!

I often miss masturbation, or PIV sex, or the feeling of a good orgasm. I also find that being Zen helps greatly. To simply accept that this is what my sex life is requires a great degree of Zen at times. One of my coping mechanisms is actually a porn video. It's simply a woman in a fetish outfit. Cat-like leather mask over the eyes (with cute ears), collar and leash, leather bra, thong and long boots. She's lying on her stomach, doing some sort of smoking fetish web-cam show. Her attention is on a screen, just off camera, probably a lap-top. She pays no attention to the viewer, smokes about 2 cigarettes with her gorgeous red lips (odd that I dont particularly like smoking) and simply pays no attention. When I am feeling particularly needy. When I feel like I need to feel something done to me, or to fuck, I watch that video. She doesn't care about my suffering. At some point in the video, I feel foolish for being so demanding of myself. I asked for this. I wanted this denial. These limits. I got them, and I have to live with them. Her lack of attention somehow snaps me out of it. Something about her also makes me realize that the main goal for me in this is/was to give up my own needs and to get my relief from giving pleasure. Again, meditating on the video, I both accept that I dont get to demand pleasure, and realize that if Im horny, I should desire to give pleasure. Something about how distant she is, makes me realize that. Arousal is my sex, and getting near an orgasm, is my orgasm. Probably sounds silly, but for whatever reason, it grounds me in my reality.

Wishful4: Thank you for your kind words. One of the teachings of Zen is that every person has that feeling of dissatisfaction. It is a part of life. It's also unique for each of us since we are all unique. I was frustrated with my sex life before chastity. Then I was frustrated because I wanted chastity and she didn't. Then I got it and she came to love it. We both did. Then I was frustrated because I wanted it to end and she didn't. Then I wanted her to do it differently. And we fought about that too. Then we stopped for a time and experimented with the opposite of chastity - swinging. And that was good too. Now we're practicing male chastity again. But this time I see my problem for what it is: never being happy with the present moment. This I hope to change. Dissatisfaction will happen. This is where "just being" brings focus to the present moment. When you live for what might be you miss what is now. Finn: I'm happy for you that you have found a way to calm yourself in your chastity. Your practice of concentration on this video sounds like just what you need. Thank you for sharing that with us. Michael

Interestingly, my girl and I are often around swingers at kink events we attend. It does complicate things when we have a looong list of do's and don't s in terms of what we are able/allowed to do. I go through phases of craving strict chastity and denial, then a break, then back to it. We often have an ebb and flow to our sexuality. I think that's pretty normal.

Finn, Our rule for swinging was no intercourse. Everything else was allowed. (We knew the more kinkier ideas wouldn't come up in the settings we were in). We hope to play with another couple this December. That's when our Fall semester is over and our chastity play will go on hiatus. So far our play has been in a group. This time we'd like to find one couple to share. And the no intercourse rule is no longer a rule. After much thought and discussion we both realized we felt no jealousy watching each other play and now we believe it would be the same for intercourse. We have agreed that anal for Melissa is just for me and her, since I am the only man she's had in that way. Other than that, we're pretty open to any combination of play. Michael