Starting Over

I suspect I rushed the process and ended up overwhelming my wife. I was reading a new book, She Comes First, which focuses on the art of cunnilingus, when she asked what I had been looking at. I expected her to be happy with it, but her reaction was different. Since I started locking up, I’ve been overly attentive, pampering her both in and out of bed, and apparently that’s too much pressure for now. I offered her the key so I could unlock myself, and since then we haven’t really discussed it again.

We have talked about our sex life and how frustrated I’ve always felt with her control over when we make love. Being locked up doesn’t bother me because it appeals to my submissive nature, and I enjoy being under her control. I plan to give it some time and bring up the topic of chastity again when the moment feels right. Perhaps starting on a weekend would help see if she can get more comfortable with it. Any advice on how to move forward is welcome. Thanks.

My wife felt, and still does to a lesser degree, that I was smothering her with attention and desire. Contrary to the fantasy versions of chastity you often see, not every woman wants to be pampered and served by a submissive husband or slave. My wife and I experienced some false starts over the past 14 months. Each time we paused, we examined what she disliked about it and made adjustments. It finally clicked when I stopped trying to teach her how things should work, created fewer rules, and played less of those chastity games. Instead, I simply told her that she makes the rules, can change them anytime without notice, and then I stopped pestering her for sex while restraining myself from smothering her with attention. I am now in my third month of chastity. I expect to be allowed to cum on Valentine's Day unless my wife decides it would be a better gift if she performs oral on me instead. The journey here was long—over 14 months—so don't lose hope. Some might dislike this approach, but what I did involved some acting. I didn’t say much; rather, I reacted to sex much better once I had been locked up. I also avoided annoying my wife because I restrained myself from correcting her when she was wrong. Through my actions and reactions to her simple touches after being locked, she grew to love teasing me. Then I suggested that if we went a little longer, I would respond even more enthusiastically. A week turned into two, then three, eventually reaching four to six weeks. Our agreement was to try it for 12 months and see if both of us wanted to continue. The year is up by about two months now, so we decided to make chastity our sexual lifestyle. I stripped away the D/s elements and kept it strictly focused on my wife deciding when I can have an orgasm. So I suggest you ask permission to be locked up and only released when she says so. No games, no fixed release dates; just let her control everything. Stay out of the way! Let your actions show what effect chastity has on you compared to not being in it. That’s where a bit of acting helps—haven’t we all pretended during sex? Fake orgasms and pretending to enjoy things that were kind of boring, for instance. I see nothing wrong with telling my wife how hot she makes me after being locked up awhile, or reacting to a simple touch as if her hand is on fire. Here’s another tip: make keyholding less of a chore. For example, we established standing rules so that I am always locked; this means my wife doesn’t have to check constantly. She checks sometimes but not often, and I ensure I remain locked. This keeps her from being the enforcer of my chastity when it was originally my decision. Over time, she came to like not dealing with semen everywhere or on the sheets. She found herself getting turned on by my moans of sexual frustration, leading to more intense orgasms than in recent years. My wife has also decided she likes to discipline me weekly with a crop or paddle for whatever I did that annoyed her. There’s always a reason to whip my backside because I am still alpha and struggle somewhat to be submissive. She finds this exciting, which leads into sex where she cums hard. Otherwise, she occasionally asks me to fetch coffee and snacks. The only daily chore she gave me is washing dishes after meals, though she is lenient about all but dinner since I work from home and am often busy. During a four-week period when I did all the chores, I learned that once the excitement fades, it’s just boring work I dread doing every day. My wife felt I was trying to take over her role and became resentful and bored. She gained some weight sitting around watching TV because she likes managing our home in her own way; if things aren’t done exactly as she prefers, she is unhappy, even if my method is more efficient. I don't know if this helps you, but here’s what worked for me. Try being helpful without asking—perhaps folding clothes when they come out of the dryer. Don't act overly submissive since many women want a strong husband. Just be useful without making it seem like you’re doing it because you are so horny. Stop bugging her about sex and orgasms; let her decide when and if. Find out what she dislikes about being your Keyholder and remove those annoyances. For instance, early on I was constantly asking my wife for the key while getting used to my CB6000s, forcing her to go back and forth to its hiding spot several times a day. We decided that I would hold the spare key and give my word not to masturbate. Once I started wearing it 24/7, it was no longer a chore for her because I didn’t try to escape or give her reason to supervise me closely. It’s nice reading about husband handcuffing as if the released man is going to knock out his wife and play with himself until she regains consciousness. However, that requires effort from your wife. Make it easy on her so she has reasons to trust you. To summarize: start slowly with just chastity and weave it into your normal sex schedule initially so it doesn’t interfere too much. Then let her see how much chastity affects your sexual enjoyment based on your reactions. Suggest extending the time by a day occasionally, reacting even more enthusiastically so she sees that longer is better. Give her reasons to enjoy teasing you. She will either grow to like it, as my wife did, or not. If not, divorce her and find someone who doesn’t want to see your penis!:) Just kidding.

You might consider that enforced chastity is primarily about *you*, not her. It concerns you being locked up and her controlling *your* sexual activities. While your fantasy may involve pampering her and showering her with orgasms, it isn't entirely up to you. She already takes significant sexual control. Why not sit down with her this weekend and talk about chastity? Instead of asking her to live out your fantasy, ask her to lock you up and tell you what to do when she wants something from you. Let her know she can unlock you for teasing or other purposes whenever she wishes. Give that a try. I bet it will work. Allow her to decide how this unfolds.

Thanks for the replies; I truly appreciate your input. I won’t be talking much with my wife this weekend since I’m working day and night. However, I do want to sit down and discuss chastity with her. Hopefully, I can get her to try it again, either having me locked up for a few days or continuously. If she tries it again and I don’t overwhelm her by smothering her attention, I think there’s a good chance of making this reality. Whatever happens, I’m going to take it slowly.

I'm happy to report that I am back to wearing my cage. Until she says otherwise, I will wear it 24/7. We had a long talk the day before yesterday and straightened things out. I told her how much I wanted to try this full-time, and she agreed that I would wear the cage constantly while she holds the keys (though I know where they are). I also mentioned that the subject of chastity wouldn't be brought up by me unless she did first. Additionally, I am making a conscious effort not to smother her with too much attention. Interestingly, one reason I gave for wanting to wear it was so that I would stop masturbating. She said she was fine with me doing so sometimes. This is something I need to manage; I don't want her allowing me just because of the lock-up. She handed me the keys, and I unlocked us yesterday morning before we made love. Later in the evening, she mentioned needing a fresh coat of polish on her toes. As always, I was happy to help. While doing this task, she noted that I should probably be naked but allowed me to keep my clothes on since it was chilly indoors. So, I feel like she is willing to play along with the game this time, and I will ensure success by not overstepping from the bottom up. We'll see how it goes.