Seeking More Vanilla Chastity Resources and Perspectives

Hi all, I really enjoy this community site and make an effort to visit and take part as much as I can. It’s a solid resource for tips and info, but does anyone know of another source (a book, website, etc.) that feels more “vanilla” regarding chastity? Something I could share with my wife without intimidating her. This site is wonderful, yet just when I think she might handle it, someone inevitably posts about wearing women’s underwear daily, getting flogged by their wives, being pegged, or keeping the device on for years at a time… Of course, these stories are likely accurate reflections of what people do. After all, the banner says “Living the real life under lock and key,” so how could they be wrong? Still, I’m looking for content focused more on chastity within a standard relationship, rather than the erotic “real life” scenarios that seem to dominate here. Thanks.

Look up devotional sex. You might find less fetish-heavy material there. I know some of those resources helped me persuade my wife. She isn't overly keen on the cage itself, but she has really taken to orgasm denial and teasing.

We aren't into sissy stuff at all; neither of us cares... not even a little bit. I also call out posters who claim they are "permanently locked" or do it 24/7/365. Whatever you choose, keep her away from if possible. If stocking and lipstick aren't your vibe, then the mainstream crowd is probably more up your alley.

Thanks everyone. I really appreciate the help. The last thing I want right now is to scare her off.

Wow, could there be a place less vanilla than this? Give Sarah Jameson’s site a try. She stopped writing regularly, but the blog remains active. I'm not sure if the books are still for sale, but *Be Careful What You Wish For* is very well written and targeted at wives who aren't deeply involved in kink. I'd also suggest getting Dossie Easton's book *When Someone You Love is Kinky*. It isn't specifically about chastity, but it offers a fantastic overview for a vanilla partner regarding what goes on with kinky people, why they are that way, and why it really isn't such a big deal.

My wife got into the practice after reading Georgia Ives' books available on . They have some fetish elements, but they're easy to overlook. Most of it is straightforward chastity. My wife implemented things gradually based on what she read. The books are written for the average housewife and clearly distinguish which parts are optional fetish additions. The bulk of the content covers plain old good chastity.

No matter how hard the mods try, there is a healthy dose of fantasy and fetish here. Public forums especially attract a "more is better" mentality. Many people brag about their long stretches between orgasms as if this measures "true chastity." While some men probably don't come much, why does it really matter? The bottom line is that enforced chastity is simply about surrendering sexual control to the keyholder. Period. If she allows you to come every day, she still holds the power, and it remains enforced chastity. There are no scientific studies on this, but I'd wager that most men practicing enforced chastity enjoy regular, satisfying orgasms anyway. That's my experience. True, they might be less frequent than before, but that is because I want to feel that sexual control. My wife/keyholder knows this and makes me wait because she sees it brings me happiness. By the way, that’s likely why most keyholders lock their men up in the first place. It's quite possible that the guys writing the most detailed accounts are inserting substantial fiction (or opinion) into their posts. I tend to skip past those posters myself. To put it simply, how this dynamic works depends on what YOU want. Your keyholder wants you excited, horny, and happy. This is a consensual activity for people who enjoy power exchange. So when someone says, "My wife never wants me to have an orgasm again," translate that to: "I want to believe I won't be allowed to come ever again." Keyholders, like all dominants, are wish fulfillers. They give you the experiences you crave. If they end up enjoying it and pushing things toward *their* fantasies, even better! And if a locked man truly hates this (not just loving-hating it), she will stop. He isn't in prison; he can get out. Does that clarify things a bit?

I bought this book on and gave it to my very vanilla wife. She said it was really helpful. Male Chastity: A Guide for Keyholders Lucy Fairbourne (Author)

> member_641b2ad8ff wrote: > No matter how hard the mods try, there is a healthy dose of fantasy and fetish here. Public forums especially attract a "more is better" mentality. Many people brag about their long stretches between orgasms as if this measures "true chastity." While some men probably don't come much, why does it really matter? > > The bottom line is that enforced chastity is simply about surrendering sexual control to the keyholder. Period. If she allows you to come every day, she still holds the power, and it remains enforced chastity. There are no scientific studies on this, but I'd wager that most men practicing enforced chastity enjoy regular, satisfying orgasms anyway. That's my experience. True, they might be less frequent than before, but that is because I want to feel that sexual control. My wife/keyholder knows this and makes me wait because she sees it brings me happiness. By the way, that’s likely why most keyholders lock their men up in the first place. > > It's quite possible that the guys writing the most detailed accounts are inserting substantial fiction (or opinion) into their posts. I tend to skip past those posters myself. > > To put it simply, how this dynamic works depends on what YOU want. Your keyholder wants you excited, horny, and happy. This is a consensual activity for people who enjoy power exchange. So when someone says, "My wife never wants me to have an orgasm again," translate that to: "I want to believe I won't be allowed to come ever again." Keyholders, like all dominants, are wish fulfillers. They give you the experiences you crave. If they end up enjoying it and pushing things toward *their* fantasies, even better! And if a locked man truly hates this (not just loving-hating it), she will stop. He isn't in prison; he can get out. > > Does that clarify things a bit? Everything you wrote makes total sense. Sorry for the delay in getting back to you. It's hard for me to read many people's posts because I end up thinking, "That sounds like someone's 'fantasy' rather than their reality." Especially when they dive into all those tiny details—it can be too much information (TMI). I want this to be fun for both my wife and me. So far, she has been going along with it pretty well. I know she appreciates the attention and affection, but at the same time, I have to think she's still wondering: "Why the device?" ...and also, more of, "He's locked every night in bed; what am I supposed to do about that? Doesn't he want to have sex with me anymore?" I think our next step is for me to show her that I'll leave one of the keys on her nightstand. She can give it to me at any time while we're in the bedroom if she feels like having me unlocked for ANY reason. This could be for sex, or just for her peace of mind, or anything else. Having the key there available should help ease her worries and put control back into her hands... quite literally. I know giving her the key is central to chastity—the control aspect—but I don't think we've reached that point yet until recently where she would be comfortable with a physical key. In her mind, being a "keyholder" still carries some connotation of domination, which isn't really what she's into. Having an available key seems like the better approach for now. I'd value your thoughts on all this. Thanks.

You need to communicate more with her. Asking a woman to lock up her husband's penis is going to puzzle most anyone, even if she understands the reason behind it; those other issues will naturally creep in. I don't think leaving a key for her to give you is necessarily the solution. Perhaps you should exchange daily emails where both of you can freely express what's happening between you. Also, maybe she should always hold the key and be the one unlocking you, rather than you doing it yourself. Being locked at night but not during the day can also confuse people. Why do you need it while in bed with her, yet not when you're out in public where cheating is possible? I'm sure that thought has crossed her mind too. The bottom line: wearing a chastity device is your fetish. Let her know that. Ensure she understands that you want to wear it because it excites *you*. Keep reminding her that the device can be easily unlocked whenever she wishes. That approach didn't work out perfectly for Mrs. Lion and me, though. I am locked up 24/7, which removes some of those logical inconsistencies. She schedules my orgasm days just as she does hers. On those days, I initiate her pleasure; she never has to ask for it. This compromise seems to be working well. Also, if she wants you to make love to her, once you start initiating and pleasing her, remind her that she can unlock you if the mood strikes.

Thank you for your input; you raise some good points. I agree that we need better communication. That has always been our challenge. When I first became "serious" about this and decided to come clean with her, I wrote a long email explaining everything. We sat down and discussed it nicely. She told me she wasn't into it (as I had described it, probably scared her off) that in fact it was a turn-off... those were her exact words. So I dropped the subject for a while and didn't revisit it until a couple of months later. When I did, I told her how important this was to me and that I wanted to continue; she agreed with an "ok, whatever" attitude. So here I am now. I like your idea about her always having the key and being the one to actually unlock you. I felt that keeping it on her nightstand might be slightly less dramatic than her carrying it around all day. I know the formal title of "keyholder" pushes her away a bit. I realize only locking at night seems odd, but there are reasons for that. First, I would never cheat on my wife; she knows this too. During the day, we are both so busy with jobs and kids that cheating isn't really an option time-wise. I do occasionally wear it for a couple of days at a time, mostly weekends. As a deterrent to masturbation, evenings and nights seem like the only times I truly need it. The second reason is my concern about concealment. I work around many people; even though it's fairly discreet, there is still more of a bulge in my pants than usual. When I'm home with two younger kids, they might notice something amiss—the youngest could hop up on my lap or grab me around the waist and feel it, starting to ask questions. Perhaps I'm just too paranoid to wear this device 24/7. I need to tell her all of that; I know it. I REALLY liked what you said about it being *my* fetish—it certainly is—and not hers. I will let her know that she can easily unlock me whenever she wants, for whatever reason. This has been my feeling all along, but I haven't seen it stated so straightforwardly before: It's okay if it's my fetish and not something entirely about her or defined by what *she* needs... which is what I constantly read here. I think the best course of action going forward for us is an open face-to-face discussion. I'll explain that this is something I genuinely want, that it is indeed my fetish, and that she can unlock me anytime with HER key.......that I love making love to her more than anything, but I enjoy the sexual high from being locked and made to wait until she's ready even more. Of course, I will encourage her to play with me as much as she likes without feeling uncomfortable about any of this.

Sounds great. She doesn't have to carry the key around everywhere. Mrs. Lion hides my key somewhere I can't find it (though I probably wouldn't look anyway). She retrieves it from its hiding spot when she wants to unlock me. If you realize this dynamic takes time to settle, just start with being locked at night and having sex according to her wishes. Over time, you might find she starts teasing you as well, etc., but take baby steps first.

Well, I took your advice and sent her an email just now. I won't quote the entire message here, but essentially I told her how grateful I am for everything she does and how much more tolerant she has become of my desire to wear a chastity device. I explained that while it hasn't been entirely easy for her, I need her to know that this is *my* fetish and something I want to keep doing. I clarified that the most important thing is that she is okay with everything and that this doesn't really have anything to do with her as a lover. I shared the physical and psychological enjoyment I get from wearing the device. The key psychological part for me is my heightened state of arousal, similar to how we felt when we were dating. It makes me want to do more for her and make her life easier. I explained that the biggest attraction lies in the fact that it's locked and can only be opened with a specific key. That surrendering control is the essence of the whole practice. I went on to tell her that I want her to keep one of the keys (wherever she prefers) so she can unlock me for any reason she chooses. The specific reason matters less than having her take back control of the situation, rather than just lying there wondering what's next or what she should do now... Just ensure she does it because *she* wants to, not out of pity or obligation toward me. I'll be fine; trust me. I drove home the point again that unlocking is her decision, and I will happily remain locked (or unlocked) for as long (or short) a time as she likes. I also told her we can still play around and enjoy each other even while I'm locked. I explained that we should take this real slowly, communicate about what we like and dislike, have some fun with it, and likely become more intimate in the process. I told her I want us to stick with this and give it a genuine chance. It can either stay as a bedroom game or evolve into something bigger; our decision. I sent this via email to her gmail account and will wait for her response. I would prefer she reads it at home or somewhere other than work, if possible. Hopefully, I haven't just undermined the whole thing or made things too uncomfortable for her (for us).

Why do I feel like I'm going to throw up??? It feels like time to get these feelings off my chest and stop dwelling on whether I'm approaching this the right way or wrong.

I can understand why some people try to present chastity as plain and non-threatening as possible, but you have to accept that some individuals will find locking a metal cage on their junk inherently "weird," no matter how it's presented. I'm also going out on a limb by guessing that most people who go through the time, expense, research, and vulnerability of acquiring a chastity device actually possess quite healthy fantasy lives. I disagree with Tom Allen about several things, but this is indeed a pretty damn vanilla site (and that's good because it comes with many honest perspectives). Not every fantasy suits everyone, obviously. But what is it about certain people's fantasies that bother others so much? I can understand if you have a more prudish partner; exploring alternative sexual expressions may be challenging. However, IMHO, bless the weirdos! They come up with some damn interesting ideas. If a couple of threads here and there seem way out in left field, don't let them discourage you from exploring your own tastes.

^^^^^:thumbs up: ^^^^^

> member_1f353e1d87 wrote: > ^^^^^:thumbs up: ^^^^^ Thanks TM. My wife and I are playing again after a bit of a break, so here I am. I wonder how many husbands have truly had their wives reject them, freak out, or get scared away by a chastity kink. It seems that many husband complaints actually stem from getting a "meh" reaction from the wife and failing to spark her interest. My wife has fun teasing and denying me occasionally; for instance, during most of the last two weeks—but I don't think she will ever truly grasp how intense it gets for me personally.

> tcs wrote: > I wonder how many husbands have truly had a wife reject them, freak out, or get scared away by the **chastity** kink. It seems that a lot of husbands complaints are actually that they get a "meh" reaction from the wife and cannot get them interested. That's a really interesting question. On this topic, and I'm guessing most of the other forums as well, we mainly hear from guys who are either currently playing with chastity, or who expect/hope to do so soon. Have we heard from anyone whose partner just freaked out? Probably, but nothing is coming to mind offhand.

> Have we heard from anyone who's partner just freaked out? I guess mine didn't "freak out" and I wish she had more of a "whatever" reaction like is apparently very common? She simply said she doesn't want anything to do with it at all, and that it turns her off, so I guess that's that....... You can read more about my situation in "The Journey" if you care.

> member_381064b05f wrote: That's a really interesting question... Have we heard from anyone who's partner just freaked out? Well, it wasn't **chastity**, long before it, actually...Mrs. Twisted was as 'vanilla' as could be...I got one of those rubber, nubbly cock rings and surprised her with it. She freaked really, really badly. It took a while to peel her off the ceiling and it was a long time before I dared try anything else new...and when I did, I was very, very careful about introducing it.

> member_1f353e1d87 wrote: > Well, it wasn't **chastity**, long before it, actually...Mrs. Twisted was as 'vanilla' as could be...I got one of those rubber, nubbly cock rings and surprised her with it. She freaked really, really badly. It took a while to peel her off the ceiling and it was a long time before I dared try anything else new...and when I did, I was very, very careful about introducing it. At least it didn't end right there, right? Did you feel like she was rejecting you or freaked out by a particular thing you wanted to do? It sounds like she was pretty limited in what she was ready for back then, and there wasn't necessarily a way around that. Sometimes there is this rhetoric about "communicating" and then "trying it" and then "communicating some more" as if that solves all issues of kink and alternate sexual practices. Communication is definitely a good thing, but when two people are together a long time, and are experimenting, it isn't always that linear. There are stops and starts, and ups and downs. Early in our relationship we went to a **BDSM** night at a local night club. This was almost 20 years ago, and we were still in school. A lot of people had a lot of different costumes, and there were also some live BDSM performances on stage. Compared to some things we have since seen, it was mostly pretty tame. My wife (then new GF) was initially a little turned on and having fun with the whole thing, but got anxious and a little freaked out as the night wore on. I think (at the time) she was worried that my interests in BDSM meant that I would be too "passive" or that I wanted to be "**submissive**" all the time, and that would be tedious. We got passed that. We live in big city now, and recently went to local club that has a regular **BDSM** night. It is a little more "R" rated compared to the PG-13 stuff of our college days. I was surprised that she was so into this time, and we have been back.

> member_56247e707f wrote: > I guess mine didn't "freak out" and I wish she had more of a "whatever" reaction like is apparently very common? > She simply said she doesn't want anything to do with it at all, and that it turns her off, so I guess that's that....... You can read more about my situation in "The Journey" if you care. I read some of your blog and it doesn't sound too unusual to me. If you keep something to yourself a long time, and then see a window of opportunity to open up, it can sometimes be difficult to balance getting your own taste of adventure, with what your partner/wife/gf is thinking. My wife and i shared our kinks 20 years ago, but it can still be a challenge when one of us is feeling more into something than the other. In your case, it sounds like you were very worried your wife would find out about kink, and then found out she wasn't going to reject you over it. You may have felt very enthusiastic about getting to try new things (especially with her) but maybe she found your enthusiasm tedious and distracting at a certain point, so you have to real it in a little? A couple of your own experiences---my wife never found plastic devices very appealing. She also thought messing around with devices was a little cumbersome and distracting. Over many years, we played a lot of tease and denial games, using the honor system a lot more. When our kids were very little, her libido was particularly low, and that ironically was even more of any opportunity to see how much self discipline I could use on **orgasm**. We still mostly use the honor system, and occasionally she likes using the metal device we have, but we still use a lot of the honor system. That's OK for me, because I like the effects of limiting orgasms at least as much as the "control" and "power exchange" that can be involved. If you are looking for vanilla, would your wife be interested in setting aside the device for now, and playing teasing games?

> member_381064b05f wrote: > > tcs wrote: > > I wonder how many husbands have truly had a wife reject them, freak out, or get scared away by the **chastity** kink. It seems that a lot of husbands complaints are actually that they get a "meh" reaction from the wife and cannot get them interested. > That's a really interesting question. > On this topic, and I'm guessing most of the other forums as well, we mainly hear from guys who are either currently playing with **chastity**, or who expect/hope to do so soon. Have we heard from anyone whose partner just freaked out? Probably, but nothing is coming to mind offhand. I suppose "freaked out" is relative. Unless the H is interested in 24/7/365 **chastity**, and the W is repulsed by the idea, I have a hard time thinking that it is going to be a "deal breaker" for most relationships. Of all the many things I have tried or wanted to try, my W has been most "freaked out" by bondage **hoods**. I've always kind of found that a little silly, because we have experimented and/or considered trying all kinds of crazy things. I have a little bit of a thing for sensory deprivation, so it's been hard to experiment with that.

> tcs wrote: At least it didn't end right there, right? Did you feel like she was rejecting you or freaked out by a particular thing you wanted to do? It sounds like she was pretty limited in what she was ready for back then, and there wasn't necessarily a way around that. She was freaked out by the thing itself- I had put it on, it was 'flesh-colored' and she apparently thought I had come down with some disease/deformity. She was *very* naive back then. > tcs wrote: > Sometimes there is this rhetoric about "communicating" and then "trying it" and then "communicating some more" as if that solves all issues of kink and alternate sexual practices. Communication is definitely a good thing, but when two people are together a long time, and are experimenting, it isn't always that linear. There are stops and starts, and ups and downs. Yeah, it all depends on the people involved, and how well they know each other. I certainly don't feel the need to talk things to death. The first time she sprung something new and really kinky (and somewhat humiliating) on me, I didn't want to talk about it...except for telling her how 'hot' she was and how much she had turned me on- positive reinforcement to build up her confidence and let her know she was on the right track. We talked just a little bit about it later, because I was curious, and she revealed that it had really turned her on too, to do something like that to me. I think we do most of our communicating while we're 'doing' whatever, we know how to read each other. It isn't like we do freaky new things all the time, we go slowly, plodding along and occasionally poking at something new. We dance around it, feeling it out and then back off a little. Then, some other time we'll poke at it again, maybe go a little further, each seeing how the other reacts. It's what works for us. Sometimes I think it would be nice to go a little faster, but even after all this time she is still a little unsure of herself, and not completely convinced that it's "OK" for her to enjoy her kinky side (all that Catholic repression)- there are things that I know she *wants* to do, that turn her on immensely, but she still holds back. She needs reassurance that it's not "wrong" to like being kinky and 'naughty'.

> member_1f353e1d87 wrote: The first time she sprung something new and really kinky (and somewhat humiliating) on me, I didn't want to talk about it...except for telling her how 'hot' she was and how much she had turned me on- positive reinforcement to build up her confidence and let her know she was on the right track. We talked just a little bit about it later, because I was curious, and she revealed that it had really turned her on too, to do something like that to me. What was it?? It can be a challenge when we don't get to pick what our partners are into, yup. I agree with all the other stuff you mentioned. We are in a time in our lives when the truly vanilla stuff can dominate us (work, family, etc., etc.), so we can go long times without experimenting. It seemed like 40 years out in the wilderness when we were having kids. Now it can seem like days, weeks or months when we start trying new things, and then days weeks or months when we are not. We both have our anxieties and impulses and can go back and forth between "are we talking this to death?" versus "OMG, we are going to try what?"

> tcs wrote: > > member_1f353e1d87 wrote: The first time she sprung something new and really kinky (and somewhat humiliating) on me, I didn't want to talk about it...except for telling her how 'hot' she was and how much she had turned me on- positive reinforcement to build up her confidence and let her know she was on the right track. We talked just a little bit about it later, because I was curious, and she revealed that it had really turned her on too, to do something like that to me. > What was it?? It was the first time she sat on my face, after sitting on my **cock** and making me cum inside her, and she forced me to 'lick her clean'. I was tied to the bed, she wound both her hands into my hair and pulled so hard that my eyes watered and wouldn't stop until I started licking. There was no '**safeword**', no getting out of it except to do as she was demanding. It was fucking *hot*. It was fucking nasty, I hated the smell *and* the taste, but it was fucking hot. It felt humiliating, too...I would have been even more humiliated if she had noticed that I was getting hard again, but she didn't. (I think it would have been even hotter if she *had* noticed, and added to the humiliation by stroking my hardening **cock** and telling me how naughty, nasty and dirty I was for getting hard while licking sperm out of her pussy, but she missed it.) It's embarrassing [to me] how much it turned me on, both before when she *said* she was going to make me do it, and *after* when she really *did* make me do it, so I really don't want to discuss my embarrassment/humiliation with her. But I did want her to know that she turned me on, and was pleased to find out that it turned her on too.

One thing that is often forgotten by bottoms is that our tops need positive reinforcement. A "I loved it when you made me do this." goes a long way. Do try to resist telling her how she could have done it better (laughed at your erection and played with your **cock**). That feels like criticism. Just tell her how great it was for you. That will inspire her to go for more next time.

> member_1f353e1d87 wrote: It was the first time she sat on my face, after sitting on my **cock** and making me cum inside her, and she forced me to 'lick her clean'. I was tied to the bed, she wound both her hands into my hair and pulled so hard that my eyes watered and wouldn't stop until I started licking. There was no '**safeword**', no getting out of it except to do as she was demanding. It was fucking *hot*. It was fucking nasty, I hated the smell *and* the taste, but it was fucking hot. It felt humiliating, too...I would have been even more humiliated if she had noticed that I was getting hard again, but she didn't. (I think it would have been even hotter if she *had* noticed, and added to the humiliation by stroking my hardening **cock** and telling me how naughty, nasty and dirty I was for getting hard while licking sperm out of her pussy, but she missed it.) It's embarrassing [to me] how much it turned me on, both before when she *said* she was going to make me do it, and *after* when she really *did* make me do it, so I really don't want to discuss my embarrassment/humiliation with her. But I did want her to know that she turned me on, and was pleased to find out that it turned her on too. That's awesome. We hear a lot from men trying to convince their partners to try new things. It is refreshing hearing about a wife truly taking something into her own hands. Now that's D/s. It find it challenging to communicate about a kink you have mixed feelings about. The mixed feelings could range from "That sounds hot but I am not sure how it would be for real" to "I really don't want to do that, but I am also turned on by truly being made to do things." I want to communicate this to my Wife without sounds passive aggressive or manipulative and without her being too self conscious about "making" me do something unpleasant. Cuckolding falls into this area for us. She has a big thing for group sex and exhibitionsism, especially MFM. That doesn't come naturally to me and I have a hard time not equating it with D/s, given my own interests. She would like it better if I was more neutral about it or if she was more the object of domination by 2M. We have spent a lot more time talking about this lately. She's also told me that giving me directions has come more naturally for her, and maybe she is **dominant** than a lot of women. I've encouraged her by telling her that I don't want her to be some stereotype of a dominatrix. It's been 2 solid weeks since my last O. She's done a good job stringing me a long. When it is time for relief, I want some kind of "mixed feelings" at play so I can go right back at the denial afterwards.

> member_641b2ad8ff wrote: One thing that is often forgotten by bottoms is that our tops need positive reinforcement. A "I loved it when you made me do this." goes a long way. Do try to resist telling her how she could have done it better (laughed at your erection and played with my **cock**). That feels like criticism. Just tell her how great it was for you. That will inspire her to go for more next time. Which is exactly how I handled it. Mrs. Twisted is *very* sensitive when it comes to feeling like she is being criticized, in *all* areas of life.