Handling Guilt in Relationships

This isn’t strictly about chastity, but I think some people here could share experiences and tips on what works and what doesn’t.

Mrs. Wolf and I have very different libidos. If I had the chance, I would likely spend every day exploring sexuality and kink; as long as it wasn’t illegal or against my morals, I’d try almost anything once.

On the other hand, Mrs. Wolf is fairly vanilla regarding sexuality, although she has mostly tolerated my private explorations (sort of a ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ situation, though I often end up telling even when she doesn’t ask). She is definitely not “dead” during our intimate moments, as she would put it. Most days, Mrs. Wolf spends her time thinking about the kids, the house, and other obligations.

My days are usually filled with thoughts of the kids, work, other duties, and sex. Oh, and sometimes sex interrupts all those other things too.:)

She feels a lot of guilt for not being able to meet my sexual needs. Since my libido is always on while hers requires the right star alignment, moon phase, time in her cycle, absence of children, and often a steamy romance novel, we are frequently out of sync. I am constantly checking if she’s interested or trying to spark that interest. Most of the time, I keep it low-key with hugs, kisses, or simple caresses. This obviously puts pressure on her. It’s not that I don’t want intimacy; I just can’t switch off my drive. Chastity play sometimes makes this even more intense.

The thing is, I used to just relieve myself, which would lower the urge for a day or two. But she feels guilty about that too because she sees it as her failing me. Plus, she likes having high libido in me when she becomes interested. So we are stuck in a bit of a catch-22.

In my ideal scenario, I’d get her to relax more and become more interested in intimacy and exploring her own sexuality. I know she’ll never be quite where I am because: A) I’m male, and B) I had access to online porn before the Internet existed. So my interest will always remain higher than hers.

All that said, I’m reasonable. I understand the differences between fantasy, desire, and reality. We communicate well (except for my tendency to over-share), love each other deeply, and both enjoy it when we are having fun in the bedroom. What I really want is to reduce the tension caused by our mismatched libidos. Most importantly, I don’t want her to feel obligation or guilt about not meeting my needs.

Currently, I deal with this by being disciplined about what I say and when. I try to reinforce that I am willing to wait for her readiness, and that denying myself makes our time together much better. I work hard at not pushing too hard on my desires. Of course, I can’t suppress them completely, and she knows it. So we go back and forth between great intimate times and periods where she feels guilty about doing enough, which just causes her interest to dip slightly.:S

So… wow, long post. Sorry ‘bout that. The point I’m trying to get at is: Has anyone else experienced similar issues? If so, what have you tried to manage them? My #1 goal is making Mrs. Wolf happier. If there’s a way to do this which benefits us both, even better. If it just means me “sucking it up” more, then so be it. I’ll keep working on that.:)

Many women are overwhelmed with "stuff", whether it's kids, work, housework, or whatever else. I recommend you look for ways to reduce that overload of "stuff". That will help her relax and give her more time to be intimate without all the guilt. While you can't do her job for her, there is plenty we men can do for our wives to relieve their burdens, like handling the kids and doing chores around the house without being asked. Trust me, she will want to reward you and may just end up not letting you have an orgasm.:)

What Namron said. Plus - yes **Men think about sex all the time** Also foreplay for women is different and sex starts in their heads. Since I am in chastity, I changed and my wife wants me a lot more than before **because i changed**. I buy her flowers A LOT, have them sent to her office. I send texts with things I love about her and what I'm thankful for. I do it because I want to, but these are also the little things that turn her on and give me more chances at intimacy. I just did a quick google search to find some facts to back me up: > “A woman will feel more connected to a man – and more ready for fantastic sex – if she sees he has a sensitive side as well as a hot and passionate one,” says Dr Pam Spurr, a sex expert and psychologist. Be helpful around the house and concerned about how her day went. Make lots of eye contact (above or below the neck, at appropriate times) and express appreciation by saying “thanks” more often. Send her naughty messages detailing what you’re planning on doing to her in bed. “You have to get her mind working on sex,” says Gloria Brame, PhD, a US-based sexologist.

Thanks for the comments. Many of the things that have been said are how I already am. My wife's current occupation is "homemaker", or whatever PC term is used these days. I am not at all insensitive, and I try to take a lot of burdens off her already. (Sometimes, she feels guilty about that too, because she says "I can't even keep the house clean"). *sigh* I guess I'll just keep trying to work on making her life easier, and hope that leads her to being happier.