Do We Truly Desire Orgasms in Chastity?

Does anyone else feel let down after their KH delivers an orgasm? That’s been my experience with the last few I’ve had. The orgasms themselves were wonderful, and I appreciated them greatly, but afterward there was a slight sense of disappointment that she permitted me just one. It seems to me we invest considerable effort in denying me (typically waiting about 3-4 months between releases), only to have to restart everything once the orgasm occurs. I recall reading from other members who go over a year without an orgasm. I used to think they were absolutely mad! But now, having gone past six months myself, I actually desire that extended period more. When my wife teases me, I plead for release. Yet I feel as though granting one would render those six months pointless. So while I beg and genuinely want it in the heat of passion, deep down I truly DO NOT want an orgasm. I like to believe we’ve hit a turning point in our dynamic. It seems I genuinely enjoy the tease & denial more than the climax itself. Giving her pleasure brings me more joy than receiving it myself. Is this a typical progression for a chastity relationship?

I certainly do! However, after a long stretch of reduced frequency, they seem to become partially or entirely 'ruined', and by the next day it feels almost as if I never had one at all...which sort of resolves both concerns—it keeps me wanting them (serving as motivation) without destroying my libido. Maybe you should try experiencing only 'ruined' orgasms for a while?

For me personally, I don't really desire full orgasm because it lowers my arousal level, which is where I find my pleasure. That said, after a long period of building up (this happened yesterday actually), when MsM is writhing through one orgasm after another while riding the dildo attached to her cock cage, I simply lose control. No touching, no unlocking, and even without an erection, I hit that point of no return and squirt out MsM's seed. It isn't a complete release due to those factors mentioned above, so I don't drop as low as I would with a full orgasm, but my excitement level does dip somewhat for a day or two until it recovers. It has been years since I had a true, full climax—unlocked, erect, and directly stimulated—but in my specific case, the aftermath takes weeks to return me to my 'happy zone'. So do I want orgasms? NO. That is exactly why I am locked 24/7/365. I know this doesn't work for everyone, especially younger men, but it perfectly suits what I desire. It took years convincing MsM that everything improves when I stay orgasm-free (with the rare unexpected ruined 'squirt' being an acceptable exception). MsM's ld

"I both do and don't" is how I feel about them, just like you. When she gets me all worked up, there's nothing else I desire more than that release. But when she denies it (which she usually does), the experience becomes one of the most intense sexual moments of my life. The intensity comes from wanting it with every fiber of my being. She’s getting better at teasing without giving in and now regularly keeps me for 4 weeks without an orgasm. I suspect she enjoys using her vibrator while watching me desperately need to cum more than she does when I make love to her. She claims they are different experiences—not necessarily one better than the other, just distinct—but I think within a couple of months, she might decide that keeping me from cums forever suits her needs. I’m uncertain if I truly want that permanent denial; it’s frightening to imagine never cumming again. I also worry that if she keeps me orgasm-free for even three months, my head will literally explode when she gets me worked up later on. * I've been locked (mostly) for 1 yr 10 mo.

"When she has me tied down and all worked I want it worse than ever. But when she stop the stimulation and puts the cage back on me the feeling of the power she has over me is way more intoxicating than a mere orgasm. And it last longer as well. Once she unties me, still locked and ragingly turned on, I will do anything for her. A few times I just wouldn't leave her alone, trying to let me give her more orgasms, that she had to bind me hand and foot so she could go to sleep.

"Thanks for all the replies! It is good to see i am not alone. My wife does give me ruined orgasms. Like mentioned though, it does take a few days to "bounce back" from one. Thats why my wife only gives me a ruined orgasm once every two months or so. And it is strictly for health purposes. I dont think that i am quite to the point of going completely orgasm free, but hopefully someday, i will get there.

"In the past, when my wife would deny my orgasms, it usually lasted one or two months tops, and then wouldn't happen again for almost a year. Under those circumstances, her allowing my orgasm, while amazing in the moment, was always a let down the next day. This past spring, we went much longer (three months, I think), with the understanding that when she let me orgasm, we would be going back to denial much sooner. Those two factors contributed to three memorable feelings I'd never experienced before. When I'm denied orgasms, and not caged, I'm not denied permission to masturbate, as long as it's not to fruition. In the past, when I did this, my thoughts were never on an orgasm, but simply edging. Well, sometime during this spring, I reached a point in the denial where that changed, and I actually began to want an orgasm. That was new for me. When she finally did permit me, it was not a let down at all, and I spent quite a few days masturbating to fruition every chance I got. And the third new feeling was that when she denied me again, and 'turned off' my permission for free orgasms, I was frustrated. I didn't want it. That is the first time that her denial was not "mutual." We all know that everyone is different, but those three new feelings were what I'd always been searching for ... a truly unpermitted desire to orgasm, a true relief and joy at being permitted, and a true frustration at subsequent denial. I was so happy. Hopefully, she can take me back there soon, and keep me there for a while.

"I can't speak for anyone else, but for me the answer is "Yes,* but not yet*." The best analogy I can come up with is the marshmallow test where you give a kid a marshmallow or some other treat and tell them that they can eat it now or wait some amount of time and receive a second marshmallow. For me, when it's time to orgasm I'm faced with a similar choice: (well, I would be if it was *my* choice, which it isn't) an orgasm right now, or wait until later, say 24 hours. A male orgasm lasts about seven seconds; compared to 24 hours of being aroused and horny those seven seconds are nothing. So, of course I'd rather delay and experience another day of "the bees" or "carnivorous butterflies" than spurt now. Of course I would. The thing is, after the 24 hours, I'd be faced with the same decision, and of course since the decision criteria remains the same, my decision would remain the same, which would result in day after day of delayed orgasm. It would never end. Except that it does in practice - when she says so, and not before. (c: Like so many things in life, the anticipation and then the memory of a pleasant event is as strong or stronger than the thing itself. Life's funny that way. So, of course I want to. But I'll enjoy it more if I wait.

"After a few years I began to regret my orgasms. In fact, most were given against my wishes but I had to abide by what my wife wanted. Now she is fine if I never orgasm again but smart enough to now that without the hope of an orgasm, I lose that wonderful feeling of anticipation. I used to beg for an orgasm or say yes when my wife asked me after a few months of denial. Now I just tell her it is up to her as always and I am fine without an orgasm.

"Back when I was a blogger, I may have written on this. ... sm-denial/ ... in-a-cage/

"I don't comment much but I just have to say Tom, your writing is so brilliant and so spot on! It's kinda like you are like Lewis and Clark and we can only follow in your footsteps. You've really helped me a lot in this crazy, wonderful world we live in. Thanks!!! And, I really don't want an orgasm. I want to get to the point that I really want one but I'm still denied.

> member_b22d00cd9c wrote:Lewis and Clark LOL - naw, I'm just a little introspective and I had time to self-indulgently write about it. I'm just happy that for some reason I've managed to help a lot of people along the way. > And, I really don't want an orgasm. I want to get to the point that I really want one but I'm still denied. And that pretty much sums up what most of us are looking for, I think.

"I honestly get much more satisfaction from pleasing my wife than from my own orgasm. I guess I associate my orgasm with the end of the game. I would much rather keep the game going for as long as I can.

"It's helpful for me to read the printed thoughts of other men here and to try to understand a different perspective. When my husband presented the idea of bringing male chastity into our marriage over seven years ago, I indicated that I was willing to give it a try. We've gone through different kinds of devices, but he has pretty much been locked during that time frame (out for cleaning/maintenance, vacations that involve constant back & forth through metal detectors, teasing, and intercourse when I want it.) So here's what I have trouble understanding... and really, maybe it's just me, but I'd like to try to understand. My husband, locked4her55, is an incredibly wonderful man and husband. When I agreed to his initial request to give male chastity a try, it was all about putting my needs first (...and it still is.) While I enjoy my husband's continual heightened arousal and state of attentiveness, I do enjoy intercourse with him very much and would never want it to go by the wayside. I'm happy to deny him to increase his pleasure, but I haven't gone longer than 65 days without it. So for you men who adore your partners and are all about putting their needs first, do they just not have a need or interest in having intercourse with you any longer and that's what makes this work so well in your relationships? What if they did want the feel of you and not a toy or device designed to be a substitute for the pleasure that you alone can bring? Would that be different? It's tough finding a balance of "being in control" in the relationship and getting what I want, but also giving my husband what he wants - which is to be denied and controlled by me. So, is your denial mutual or is your denial for your pleasure only?

> member_78f87b5c8d wrote: > So for you men who adore your partners and are all about putting their needs first, do they just not have a need or interest in having intercourse with you any longer and that's what makes this work so well in your relationships? What if they did want the feel of you and not a toy or device designed to be a substitute for the pleasure that you alone can bring? Would that be different? It's tough finding a balance of "being in control" in the relationship and getting what I want, but also giving my husband what he wants - which is to be denied and controlled by me. So, is your denial mutual or is your denial for your pleasure only? I'll try to answer the above question (at least from my perspective). We are still relatively new at this ourselves and I think it still may be too early to say that it is really working well for us but nonetheless here are my thoughts. Prior to my starting to where a chastity cage I would say that the frequency of our lovemaking was only once or twice a month and, like many couples, I think it is safe to say that my libido was much higher than hers which just added to the stress as I was constantly trying to initiate something thus putting even more pressure on her. Not a healthy situation. When I first read about chastity devices I thought that perhaps this could help us. By my wearing the cage it gives her the excuse or dare I say even the "right" to say no to me. (Of course she always had this right but I think we men are very bad at guilting our spouses into giving into our desires). From my perspective it would change her saying "no" from being a personal rejection to now being part of the game. Those were my thoughts when I first got started. As I said, we are still adjusting to this game. I would say that my enthusiasm for it is much higher than hers but probably like you she has played along for my benefit. One early observation I have found since starting to wear the cage is that there seems to be much more sexual contact between us than ever before. Prior to my wearing the cage I think she was scared to touch me for fear that it would lead to something more than she wanted. This is not the case anymore. My wife has not yet transformed into a tease and denial queen (I can always hope) but I certainly have benefited from some added attention that I so desperately wanted. So was this all bout her needs or mine? I would say it was a combination of both.

"My wife loves intercourse. She absolutely refuses to introduce a dildo into our relationship. What works for us (most of the time) is applying a numbing spray to my penis. Then we also put a condom on me to reduce sensation, and also prevent any "little accidents". We usually use ribbed condoms because they help Her come a little quicker. Even if I do lose control, and come, it is the equivalent of a ruined orgasm, because I have no feeling in my penis, so I don't have an actual orgasm. The only downside to this, is that we need to pause the action so that I can get ready for Her if She wants intercourse.

> member_a88e0f3d5f wrote:I honestly get much more satisfaction from pleasing my wife than from my own orgasm. **I guess I associate my orgasm with the end of the game.** I would much rather keep the game going for as long as I can. Why should your orgasm be the 'end' of the game? When we 'play' the 'game', it is usually going to be for quite some time, a year or more (with the possibility of it lasting indefinitely beyond that). Having an orgasm is not the end of the game. Having to lock back up immediately after having had an orgasm is...well, I'm not quite sure how to describe it... ...knowing that I am going to be locked back up after orgasm intensifies both my desire for orgasm, and my desire *not* to orgasm- it's not that I don't want to cum per se, but that I don't want the stimulation to end, being locked means not just denial of orgasm, but also denial of being able to touch (or be touched), rubbed or get any stimulation at all beyond the feeling of the restriction of the cage and I don't want the pleasurable stimulation to end...I want to cum badly but I also want to enjoy the pleasure for as long as possible...but *she* controls how long it lasts, and the wondering of how long that will be intensifies the eroticism even further... ...and then, having to lock up immediately after, when I'm not 'horny' anymore...well, there is some reluctance and a feeling of 'submission', I don't really want to do it...but the next day the fact that I had to lock back up even though I didn't 'want' to starts to ramp the 'horny' back up quickly...even faster if the orgasm was 'ruined'...

> member_1f353e1d87 wrote: > Why should your orgasm be the 'end' of the game? I hear what you are saying. I guess I just like the heightend state of arousal when I am locked up for an extended period of time. Once I am allowed to orgasm that level or arousal diminishes for a few days. Perhaps a better analogy would have been referring to the orgasm as the end of the round. As you indicated the game itself hopefully continues.

> member_78f87b5c8d wrote:So for you men who adore your partners and are all about putting their needs first, do they just not have a need or interest in having intercourse with you any longer and that's what makes this work so well in your relationships? What if they did want the feel of you and not a toy or device designed to be a substitute for the pleasure that you alone can bring? Would that be different? It's tough finding a balance of "being in control" in the relationship and getting what I want, but also giving my husband what he wants - which is to be denied and controlled by me. So, is your denial mutual or is your denial for your pleasure only? You ask some very good questions here, and I don't know if it's even possible to answer all of them in one thread. On our part, Mrs Edge enjoys the control, which includes the tease and denial - mostly the denial because the cage allows her to not feel guilty if she doesn't feel like having sex (i.e., intercourse). That said, she does enjoy intercourse, so we don't do long term lockups anymore. We used to, going for weeks or months at a time, using a substitute, or replacement toy. But that changed, and now we're into other things. We're 15 years older, too, so both of our drives have decreased some - mine slightly and hers, well, more so. Yes, it's hard to find that balance, but if you keep it fun and change things around often, then you'll have enough compromise to keep everybody happy.

> member_78f87b5c8d wrote: > So here's what I have trouble understanding... for you men who adore your partners and are all about putting their needs first, do they just not have a need or interest in having intercourse with you any longer and that's what makes this work so well in your relationships? What if they did want the feel of you and not a toy or device designed to be a substitute for the pleasure that you alone can bring? > Would that be different? It's tough finding a balance of "being in control" in the relationship and getting what I want, but also giving my husband what he wants - which is to be denied and controlled by me. So, is your denial mutual or is your denial for your pleasure only? I'm reminded of an discussion on another board from a couple of years ago regarding whether a dominant woman in a D/s relationship should give oral sex. A number of opinions were expressed, but the only one that made sense to me was "of course, if that's what she wants to do." The pole star as I understand it is that the objective of this game is to maximize her pleasure, and if PIV (penis-in-vagina) sex is what she wants then that trumps his desire for denial. But that may not be the pole star for everyone. You say your husband wants to be denied and controlled by you - well, which is it? If it's just denial, then he is in control not you. If you are in control, then it's not up to him whether he's denied or not, it's entirely your call. He doesn't get to say "control me, but control me in exactly the way I want to be controlled." So, it's not that my partner is uninterested in PIV with the real thing. She is. And she gets to decide when and how that happens; my desire to go long periods of time without coming is second to her wishes. Seems to me that a denial scenario where it's for his pleasure only would be missing the point of the exercise.

> member_78f87b5c8d wrote:...I...enjoy intercourse with him very much and would never want it to go by the wayside. I'm happy to deny him to increase his pleasure, but I haven't gone longer than 65 days without it. > So for you men who adore your partners and are all about putting their needs first, do they just not have a need or interest in having intercourse with you any longer and that's what makes this work so well in your relationships? What if they did want the feel of you and not a toy or device designed to be a substitute for the pleasure that you alone can bring? Would that be different? It's tough finding a balance of "being in control" in the relationship and getting what I want, but also giving my husband what he wants - which is to be denied and controlled by me. So, is your denial mutual or is your denial for your pleasure only? Let's see if I can elucidate on how/why it 'works' for us...there are several factors involved- for many years we have tended to be 'busy' people, often working long hours and 'non-traditional' hours, sometimes with schedules that don't coincide. Though she enjoys intercourse it hasn't been something that happened frequently (except for when we were both very young and fucked like bunnies every chance we got). Another factor is that she has rarely had an orgasm with intercourse except/unless first having had one immediately prior from oral...whether that is due to something with her or something with me, I couldn't say...but often it has just been oral anyway and the intercourse gets left out. So, her denying me intercourse does not equate to her 'losing' anything, it usually isn't something that is/was happening all that often anyway. The fact is that 'playing the game' results in *more* sexual activity (and pleasure for her) than not, even if intercourse is not happening...though that can be happening *more* frequently rather than less, as compared to the 'normal' situation. Sometimes she still gets PIV, though without me 'finishing', and sometimes she goes 'all the way'...and ends with her getting more oral and an[other] orgasm after (she discovered that she *really* likes being 'naughty' and making me 'clean her up' after). She definitely prefers the 'real thing' over toys but she likes using the toys too. She also has the option of getting the 'real thing' from someone else, which she has talked about but not actualized...I realize that that sort of thing is not for everyone but it is something that we both get aroused at contemplating.

I think my wife and I are in a similar situation as TwistedMister. For my wife and I, sexual activity outside of the 'game' includes all kinds of things in addition to intercourse, and intercourse is generally not what gets my wife to her orgasm. She thoroughly enjoys it, but it's not enough. As a result, when we play with tease and denial, our interactions focus on those other things that she enjoys, and the actual intercourse is very limited. And then once the game is over, of course, intercourse returns in force.

Thanks for taking the time to respond and share so openly. It's appreciated.

> member_78f87b5c8d wrote:Thanks for taking the time to respond and share so openly. It's appreciated. You are entirely welcome, that's one of the reasons we (the site, and some of us) are here. Reading back through what I wrote, I see that I left something out- that the device enforced chastity is less a denial of intercourse, then denying me the ability to masturbate whenever the urge strikes, which is generally what happens when we are really busy and intercourse isn't happening. Under 'normal' circumstances it's easy to just 'rub one out' real quick in the shower, which frees the mind to concentrate on the non-sexual pursuits. I think it often happens, that when a couple is married/lives together long-term, there is a mental change that occurs. Sexual activity is pursued more urgently when it is 'less available', such as when we are/were younger and there was no guarantee that it will occur. But when you get married/live together there is a mental shift that says "I can 'get it' any time I want it now" so the urge to actively pursue it is decreased. You focus on more mundane matters that may seem 'more important' and sexual arousal may be considered an 'inconvenience' that intrudes on your ability to concentrate on other things, so a quick rub takes care of it. And, as we get older, it takes longer for 'desire' to return which extends the time-scale of the process. (It occurs to me that this may be the root of issues where the wife thinks the husband 'doesn't care' anymore. It's not that he doesn't 'care', it's just that it's easier to slap the urge down and move on to the other [mundane] matters that may be piling up- the washer is on the fritz, the oil needs to be changed in one car and the brakes done in the other, the lawn needs mowing, etc. etc. and he thinks "I can get laid any time I want but I have all these other things that need doing so I'll just 'spank the monkey' real quick and I can get these other things done"...but there is no end of these other things that need doing unless you are fairly wealthy and can pay someone else to do them *for* you. But, she doesn't see what is going on in his head and thinks his lack of 'attraction' is due to some 'problem' with *her* when it really isn't...but she feels badly and says "You don't care about me..." and then the problem escalates and a 'fight' starts, then things go downhill after that.) So, device-enforced 'chastity' controlled by her (for me, anyway) eliminates the ability to get rid of 'the urge' quickly and easily, which allows it to build and results in a condition where when she is ready for some 'sexy-time' (which may or may not include intercourse, which wasn't happening anyway) I am in more of a frame of mind to be amenable to it. A more 'involved' program of her being 'in control' (with long-term orgasm denial and more femdom overtones) enhances the process even further. (The femdom stuff may not appeal to all but it is a 'turn-on' for me and it really gets me going.)

> member_a88e0f3d5f wrote:Prior to my wearing the cage I think she was scared to touch me for fear that it would lead to something more than she wanted. This is not the case anymore. My wife has not yet transformed into a tease and denial queen (I can always hope) but I certainly have benefited from some added attention that I so desperately wanted. I hadn't thought of that but it's the same with my wife. She does casual touches all the time now and didn't before. And probably for the same reason - she knows that what she does is it. It can't lead to my responding.

I want to add one thing to this. The most intense sexual experiences of my life is when I've gone weeks locked up and my wife teases me, and let's me know it'll be weeks until I get to cum. She can spend 10 - 20 minutes having me so desperate to cum - way beyond anything I've ever felt from an orgasm. And in our case what makes it work so well is my wife loves using her vibrator for herself (with me using my tongue to get her started). And my desperation to cum turns her on. So I get the intense sexual high from teasing. She gets the orgasms she prefer from her vibrator. And occasionally we make love when she wants that.