The paradox at the heart of my denial fetish

I’ve always had a denial fetish, and I’ve noticed that my best masturbation fantasies have always centered on it. The more intense the denial, the better the edging experience leads to a eventual orgasm. Nothing drives me to masturbate quite like the thought of being denied, and nothing gets me aroused as effectively.

Over the last decade or so, we’ve explored various aspects of this lifestyle. We focused on reducing my need for male orgasms during sex (my wife dislikes semen and prefers when she sets the pace) and also through edging to some extent. I developed a preference for giving pleasure rather than receiving it. My personal challenge is that if I orgasm more frequently than once every week or two, I feel exhausted, mentally foggy, and somewhat depressed. We believe much of this stems from surgery twenty years ago where I lost most of my small intestine, leaving me prone to deficiencies after ejaculation. The downside to choosing edging over a full release is that it can become addictive and time-consuming since there isn’t always a clear endpoint.

Then came chastity play. The difficulty lies in maintaining the discipline when my wife likes the idea of chastity but doesn’t actively enforce it. Enter one of our closest friends, who is kinky and understands both chastity/denial and the Tantric principles we’ve adapted. With her permission, she has managed our chastity routine for over a year now. It might sound unusual to outsiders, but aside from being kinkier than average, we are all fairly normal people.

Masturbation was gradually phased out until I reached a point of near-total abstinence: no masturbating and erections remain locked unless my wife specifically needs her “original equipment” (which is rare). Emptying occurs only every one to three months.

The issue is that reading about this setup would have been the perfect fantasy for me. Living it, with no outlet for that desire, is wonderful, yet it has become just another daily routine. Some days are a struggle and feel like hard work. I’m glad I’m doing it and appreciate having people who support and share in my journey. However, the reality can be tough; occasionally when allowed to masturbate, I feel like an ex-smoker buying a pack of cigarettes—feeling guilty for indulging before throwing them away to quit again mentally. It seems all exciting and kinky from afar, but sticking with it requires long-term commitment.

Posting about this feels slightly awkward, but I know others here have faced similar challenges or are currently navigating the same waters. Some days I’m buzzing with enthusiasm and want to post how great everything is; other times I just need to vent because some weeks truly feel difficult!!:)

> member_e0e2087b3e wrote: "...the odd time I'm allowed to masturbate, I feel like an ex-smoker who's bought a pack, and feels dirty for indulging the craving, before tossing the rest away and quitting again" Last Sunday, after having PIV sex while out of my cage, I finally masturbated. It had been ages since I last did so. While I enjoyed the *feeling*, I immediately regretted seizing that opportunity. Your smoker analogy fits perfectly. My wife and I have practiced 'chastity' for about a year now. Initially, walking around in public knowing "I've got a secret" was thrilling. That excitement has faded somewhat. This is simply our new normal now, yes, but I do miss the novelty buzz that came with early chastity. Bondage has always appealed to me greatly, and chastity aligns perfectly with this interest. I spend my days (and nights) wearing cock bondage, which matters deeply because my wife not only approves but actively participates in and values how 'cock bondage' enhances our marriage. Yet, I still hunger for more variety. I suspect what I'm craving most is that spark of novelty.

> member_526dfaf3fb wrote:Finn wrote: "...the odd time I'm allowed to masturbate, I feel like an ex-smoker who's bought a pack, and feels dirty for indulging the craving, before tossing the rest away and quitting again" > Last Sunday, being out of the cage after PIV lovemaking, I masturbated for the first time in a long time. I enjoyed the *feeling* but I regretted taking the opportunity. Much like your smoker analogy. > My wife and I have been 'doing chastity' for about a year. At first, I found it exciting to walk around in public thinking "I've got a secret". That has definitely passed. This is the new normal and, yeah, I miss the excitement that came with the novelty of chastity. > I have always been really attracted to bondage and chastity fits right into that. I'm walking around all day (and night) with my cock in bondage and, very important to me, my wife approves and participates and appreciates what that 'cock bondage' has brought to our marriage. > But I still crave more and different. I suspect it's the excitement of novelty that I'm craving more than anything else. The thrill of acquiring something is indeed a high, but then you have to live with possessing it! I rarely wear my cage when out and about in public, though I do keep a ring on my penis as a constant reminder. At home, however, I am usually locked up tight. My keyholder is an amazing queer woman who finds male masturbation quite repulsive. After years of edging, finding that way to orgasm has become very difficult for me. When she does allow me to empty, she emphasizes how 'disgusting' the habit is, which actually helps reinforce our routine. It's strange how chastity becomes normal life, while what was once a daily occurrence turns into a gross chore we reluctantly perform every month or two!

I feel like all submissive fetishes are essentially a catch-22... What’s the worst thing you can do to a masochist? Give them nothing. If I want my wife to deny me an orgasm, how can I then claim that I actually *want* one? She cannot deny me something I don't desire in the first place.

> member_e37d0ef4a6 wrote:I feel like all submissive fetishes are a catch-22... > What’s the worst thing you can do to a masochist? Nothing. > I want my wife to deny me an orgasm, so how can I then say I want an orgasm. She can’t deny me something I don’t want. That is essentially the trap, isn't it? It really is quite a crazy journey!

> and something that was so much part of daily life, becomes a gross habit that you reluctantly engage in once every month or two You do what works for you. Whatever quacks your duck. That's crucial to remember because there truly is no right or wrong path, as long as everyone remains happy, lovingkindness guides us, and everything stays consensual. And just so anyone reading knows: Masturbation doesn't necessarily have to be a "disgusting habit". It can certainly remain a healthy part of sexuality whether done with a partner or solo. And yes, it does fit within the framework of orgasm control. Personally, I haven't hit that catch-22 wall yet. There are plenty of struggles and figuring-out moments to see what works for us, but no paradox as such. I'd argue it's actually the opposite of a catch-22. The more Bear insists that I only come with permission, and takes charge of the training required to achieve this state, the more relaxed I become regarding my own role. There is no conflict between "I want to come" and "I must obey"; since I *want* both, I strive diligently to obey. How often I arrive at that final point depends entirely on him. Lately, it happens more frequently than feels comfortable for me personally—though whether that's too much isn't up to my decision. That dynamic is actually quite freeing.

> member_541c83795a wrote:> and something that was so much part of daily life, becomes a gross habit that you reluctantly engage in once every month or two > You do you. Whatever quacks your duck. That's important to say, because there really is no right or wrong way, as long as everyone is happy, lovingkindness is the goal, and it's all consensual. > And, just because this is read by a bunch of people: Of course masturbation doesn't have to be a "disgusting habit". It can also be a normal part of healthy sexuality, done with a partner or alone. And yes it can fit into orgasm control. > Personally, I haven't encountered the catch-22 yet. Plenty of struggles and figuring things out and seeing what does and doesn't work for us. But no catch-22 as such. > I'd say actually the opposite of a catch-22. The more Bear insists on my coming only with permission, and takes charge of the training needed to get there, the more I can relax and leave that to him. There's no "I want to come but I don't" - I want to come and I want to obey, so I do my level best to obey. How often I come is up to him. More often than is comfortable, lately, and, that's not up to me. That's quite freeing actually. That's the beauty of discovering what suits each pair and their keyholders specifically: there isn't one universal truth for everyone. My situation differs from many because it is overseen by a queer woman who also possesses a devious sadistic streak. Both my wife and she dislike semen, and both noticed that I spent too much time edging without releasing. That’s basically how we started viewing masturbation and ejaculation as something akin to a gross habit. Interestingly enough, I hated the messiness of it myself, along with the drop in mood/energy afterward, so we leaned into conditioning ourselves down this 'bad habit' path.