Opening Up About My Journey to Chastity at a Connecticut Men's Gathering

Last weekend I attended a men’s retreat hosted by Comega (Connecticut Men’s Gathering). The group has been around for about 25 years, though I only started joining last year. Their core values revolve around acceptance and support—for others as well as oneself—non-judgment, and striving to be the best versions of ourselves.

On my first night, I joined a sexuality workshop regularly led by two close friends: one straight man and one gay man. Around 20 men were present. Although I knew I wanted to open up about myself, I felt quite nervous as I prepared to tell these strangers that my cock was secured in a cage.

I spoke first, explaining how my wife and I had been struggling with our sex life. I’ve had trouble getting and staying hard, which created anxiety that spilled over into the bedroom. When I approached her for intimacy, I worried not only about whether she wanted it but also about my ability to perform. More importantly, I viewed intercourse and ejaculation as the defining elements of a sexual experience; everything else was enjoyable but secondary. My goal during foreplay was simply to excite her enough so that she would accept me once I entered if I had an erection. Because I feared losing my hardness, I always rushed.

Wham, bam, thank you ma’am.

However, my wife isn’t always available on demand for sex, which makes sense given what I just described. Beyond my own performance anxiety, why should she be? For me, sex was both enjoyable and a source of stress. My anxiety made it hard to work up the courage to approach her, so when she declined, rejection felt particularly sharp. Masturbation became the easiest option—it was quick, satisfying, readily available, and free from the risk of rejection. But once I finished masturbating, my interest in sex with my wife would fade, leading us to drift apart.

Then came chastity—initially as a personal fetish desire, but later proving to be an excellent aid for our marriage by removing orgasm from the equation. I learned that sex is fundamentally about energy exchange: if she’s turned on, I am too. Without masturbating, I keep my sexual edge sharp and crave frequent contact with my wife. She usually responds well because she knows it’s her call whether or not things progress to penetrative sex. Usually they don’t, which suits me fine since I derive huge pleasure from pleasing her.

This was the story I shared with 20 supportive men looking at me. I thanked them for creating a space where I could be vulnerable like that.

The weekend’s format involved small groups of eight men meeting four times over the course, which became our ‘home’ base as comfort and familiarity grew. The next morning, I told my group about my success from the previous night, repeating much of what I’d shared with the larger crowd, again receiving acceptance and support.

Later at lunch, a man sitting across from me asked how my weekend was going. Spontaneously, I launched into what had become my standard pitch. When I finished, he smiled broadly and said, “You’ve got it. You understand that sex is about energy.” It turns out he has spent his entire career as a researcher and educator in sexuality. His validation meant a lot to me.

I’d love to share this perspective with several couples my wife and I are friends with. I believe it could elevate our relationships significantly. I plan to suggest it to her, though I’m fairly certain she’ll dismiss it immediately, likely saying, “They don’t want to hear that stuff.” We’ll see; I respect her wishes either way. Still, I think the outcome will be positive.

> member_526dfaf3fb wrote: > I would love to share this same information to several couples my wife and I are friends with. I think it would elevate our relationships to a higher level. I'm going to suggest that to my wife who I'm certain will reject it out of hand. She'll say "they don't want to hear that stuff". We'll see; I'll respect her wishes. I think it would lead to good things. First off, kudos on your coming-out reveal. It was great to see such a positive response. Regarding sharing this with friends—you have to be careful how you go about it. Your group setting worked well because the men were there specifically to better understand themselves and adjust their behaviors. That might not automatically apply to some of your other friends.

Tom, thanks for the wise advice. You're absolutely right.

I also agree with Tom regarding the differing expectations those two audiences bring to the conversation. That said, if you really want to share and just can’t hold back, I’d suggest leaving the chastity cage out of it initially. Start by highlighting the most significant revelation from your experience: the joy you’ve found in removing orgasm from the equation. That’s a very safe topic to introduce first and shouldn't intimidate anyone. Later, when one of your eight friends who is more curious approaches you privately (perhaps an hour or three days later), you can gauge how receptive they are to hearing a bit more—specifically about the cage and the support it has provided.

> member_e37d0ef4a6 wrote:I would leave the chastity cage out of the conversation at first. Start with the most important revelation from your experience, that is, the joy you’ve found in taking your orgasm off the table. That’s a very safe topic to start with and shouldn’t really scare anyone. I think this is an excellent way to break the ice, especially if any of your friends ask or hint at something like, "You and Suzie still can't keep your hands off each other. What's up with that?"

Thank you both for the feedback. Leaving the cage out of the initial conversation makes enormous sense. Aside from my need for it due to a lack of self-control (not needing it is difficult), it’s really beside the point. It might even be unnecessary—well, until I want to masturbate or forget how important giving pleasure to my wife truly is. So perhaps it is necessary for me personally. But as you’ve noted, I don’t have to bring it up right away. That being said, I’ve grown quite fond of wearing it.:)

Reading older threads as a newbie here. This is excellent. 👌✌️🙏 Thank you.

@happilylockedman hasn't been here since mid-2019. I do wonder how things developed for him among his friends and this group of men he was meeting with.