Chastity Dilemma with a Forgetful Keyholder

My wife has recently increased the intensity of her denial. A few weeks ago, without any prompting from me, she remarked that perhaps it was time to keep me locked up soon. I could feel my erection spike immediately and she chuckled softly. She kept me in denial for several weeks until we both managed an orgasm during a romantic weekend getaway. The following day, she declared her intention to have me confined for 30 days before the next release. Gathering my courage, I mentioned that I had purchased a metal cage from DHGate and had self-locked on occasion when she was away. I also noted that I hadn’t experienced much arousal while wearing it, so I wasn’t entirely sure what to expect. She seemed fine with everything and didn’t particularly care about seeing the device.

We haven’t spent as much time together this weekend, so on Saturday I offered to go to Target with her. Shopping isn’t my favorite activity, but things are going well. I throw in some flirtatious or sexy remarks here and there, and she seems receptive. We have a lockbox at home (originally meant for the kids before they got their own keys). She said ours wasn’t working properly and wanted to buy another one, so we headed to the hardware section but couldn’t find it. I asked the clerk, who checked his stock, confirming they were out of them. So, I casually brought up, “Is there anything else you need locked away?” She laughed a bit, and then an obvious tent rose in my pants. She noticed and said something like, “lol, you’re quite a character.” Note that traffic wasn’t heavy in this part of the store, so I don’t think anyone else saw; while it isn’t massive, it was clearly visible, and I had to sort of walk it off.

Clearly, the prospect of me being locked—especially in this new metal cage—is arousing for her, and she is determined to deny me for a month. She brings up locking me from time to time but never actually follows through with action. It’s almost as if nothing ever happens. While she has always preferred an honor system approach, it baffles me that she doesn’t realize how much of a turn-on this is for me and simply ask that I lock myself up. Later that night, she had a girls’ night out, which would have been the perfect opportunity. In fact, I did self-lock while she was out, and it felt really good to be caged, though not quite the same as having her directly involved. I am very pleased with how this cage fits.

I suppose some might view my behavior as “topping from the bottom,” but the reality is that SHE does mention it periodically, and she knows (visibly) how excited I get. Perhaps this is just part of her teasing repertoire?

Another twist in this tale is that she is stressed at work and doesn’t handle stress well—she never has. She’s been exceptionally forgetful recently. For instance, she missed a medical appointment despite it being on our phone calendar. Several times during the week, she says to me, “hey let’s see a movie tonight,” even though SHE had made plans with her coworkers that conflicted.

We are moving our daughter this weekend, and we both suggested the idea of having me locked up since she will depart a day ahead of my release. I don’t want to feel like I’m “reminding” her too much because I think she perceives that as topping from the bottom. So what do you do when your keyholder is absent-minded?!?!

Oh boy, I have thoughts on your conundrum:). I approach this with a specific framework of relationships in mind. That being that there can be a "slant" to how couples relate. One partner holds more authority than the other. This slant can be subtle or quite pronounced, and it may not apply uniformly to every aspect of their dynamic. Raven, whose books I highly recommend, refers to this as the “D-type” (dominant) and “s-type” (submissive) roles within a relationship. The specific book that comes to mind for your situation is "Building the team". With that framework and recommendation out of the way: If we consider your wife as the D-type and you as the s-type, here is how I see the two points you raised. > it's hard for me to understand why she doesn't see how much of a turn on it is and simply just ask that I lock up Well, she might recognize this fact but simply not be interested in acting on it. Or even be opposed to it. For you, this means soul-searching. What do you need, and what do you want? These are separate things. If you’re lucky, there is a need within the relationship that can be met by wearing a cage (or other methods), but your desire for the cage itself might just be a preference. In that case, if she declines with "yeah no," and you find another way to address the underlying need tied to the cage, you're golden. It’s unlikely but possible that the cage is the only solution for that specific need; in that scenario, you may be incompatible regarding this aspect. More communication would help clarify how to handle it. Secondly - how does one deal with a forgetful D-type or keyholder? Hah! It's easy in principle! The D-type has all the tools at their disposal, including utilizing the s-type effectively. If the D-type is somewhat disorganized, they can simply use the s-type to bring order, which feels good for them. The D-type’s role is to provide a framework within which the relationship lives. Then the s-type fills that structure with action. So for you two—it’s probably best to start at the beginning. Do you have an “unequal partnership”? How does this express itself in concrete terms? What does a typical weekday look like, hour by hour? And what about weekends? On a more abstract yet still practical level: What are her needs? How will they be met? What are your needs? How will they be met? Then do the same for wants. Your wants might take a back seat when they don’t mesh with hers.:) Raven’s “leaning in” concept of partnership is really lovely. I highly recommend that book to get a model of an unequal partnership that is team-based rather than adversarial. I find this model very compatible with a more "vanilla" approach.

Schnoff has provided a more eloquent response than my own, but I would start with having a conversation. My wife is keen to unlock me after a certain period (or for travel) and then suggests it’s time to lock me up again: "we need to put you back in the cage, maybe this weekend," only for it to fall by the wayside. It's been a learning point for me that she isn't as into it as I am; she worries more about whether the kids are eating properly than whether I'm maintaining an erection with permission. Her sex drive is present but logarithmically lower than mine now that we're approaching age 50. I'd start by doing a little topping from the bottom and letting her know your wishes clearly. While she may be aware of what you want, it just isn't her primary focus. So things like "did I take the chicken out of the freezer to thaw for dinner?" are way more top-of-mind than "I wonder if my husband wants his cock locked up?" Talking with my wife recently, she still believes that my Jail Bird is somehow painful or uncomfortable, so she feels I need breaks to stay happy. I did my best to explain that wasn't the case after roaming free for six weeks and restarting bad habits of solo pleasure. She still worries that I'm going to be uncomfortable or even harmed, despite over 2+ years of chastity play! "No, no, that's why we spent all that money with Mature Metal—so it wouldn't be uncomfortable and we could go as long as you want." Talk to her and tell her your wants... leave the outcome up to her. She is in charge. Now, what you might worry about is having an absent-minded wife once you're locked up. "Oh, are you still locked? I totally forgot! It's been six months since you last had an orgasm? Gee, how did that happen? ;)"

Thanks for your thoughtful response! Very helpful! A couple of thoughts: My wife is very against the idea of message boards and reading books. She knows I'm a member here; she's aware of my blog (she actually created her own but didn't post much and deleted it half a year ago). Even on social media, she rarely posts anything herself. Yet she seems keenly interested in my blog content and frequently asks if anyone has commented. Still, she doesn't comment often, and sometimes I get no feedback from her at all. Communication is hard. Regarding D/s dynamics - she loved the 50 Shades books and was enthusiastic about going to the films (we even bought and watched the porn version of it, something like "Submission of Emma Marx"). It's an interesting dichotomy because while she showed such interest in them, I can't think of much that transferred into our bedroom activities. Does she want to be dominated by me? I playfully spanked her and asked if she'd like that; she gave an enthusiastic "no". She doesn't want to tie me up or vice versa (we have SportSheets under the bed for restraints, which are quick and convenient to use; as a side note, if asked whether I prefer being locked in chastity or tied up in bed, I'd pick the latter). She will occasionally ask me to get a paddle and smacks my ass during sex—but only a few times a year. Generally speaking, any Femdom-type activity we do is really limited to the bedroom. She is relatively passive most of the time, preferring me to make decisions; but she feels empowered to deny me, and CBT (cock and ball torture) along with nipple play are pretty common for us. As for how "unequal" our relationship truly is, it's mainly in the bedroom. Recently, she told me she masturbates about once a week while I'm forbidden from doing so. When I kept track recently, she has about 3X as many orgasms as I do. She mentioned that I won't receive oral sex from her anymore, but I will go down on her whenever she allows; likewise, she won't massage me, but she knows all she has to do is stick her foot out and I'll massage it for her. Outside the bedroom, I handle most of the cooking and am generally much neater than she. We have a housekeeper so that's not such a big issue (worth every penny—we both work hard, so the last thing we want to do with our limited free time is clean toilets). She normally does the dishes, although she greatly appreciates when I take over while she's stressed or busy. She frequently goes out alone with her girlfriends and I rarely go anywhere without her or a child. 1. What need does the cage satisfy? Maybe I lack enough self-awareness to explain it clearly! This almost sounds like a Hannibal Lecter-like question, LOL! Sometimes it is difficult to remain chaste when I'm alone (I work from home often). I will sometimes self-lock to minimize temptation. I enjoy the feeling of restraint and liking the teasing, along with the lock/key analogies (inverted from M/F anatomy) when she is in Keyholder mode. But to answer Hannibal's question directly: The need it fills is variety—a little secret kinky game between us—and submission/trust. Submitting my most intimate parts to her gives me a rush. I have no real desire to be locked up 24/7, just as a way to spice things up. I desire to be seen as a sexual being, a piece of meat if you will. It’s somewhat of a role reversal from feminism. During the early cable TV days, I watched some risqué shows that were scrambled, so I didn't see full images clearly. I recall hearing a debate about pornography involving a feminist and well-known porn star Ron Jeremy. He's a fairly unattractive dude but has other attributes. His point was: what do you mean by objectification? Much of the time only my genitalia is shown on film while the woman remains the focus. I don't mean to weigh pros and cons here, just suffice it to say that I am aroused by a male being treated as a sexual object. Some of our most intense sexual play occurs when I penetrate her and she forbids me from cumming. Feeling "used" like a human dildo is a huge turn-on for me, especially waking up the next morning smelling her scent on me. Of all my fetishes, CFNM (Clothed Female Naked Male) is probably the most intense one. Obviously, CFNM can leverage into many other types of play, and the few times she has "inspected" and teased my caged genitals with my cock "attempting" an erection (with that pulsation happening down there, while saying things like, "ooh, he's trying to get hard") were off-the-charts erotic. 2. The disorganized domme. As I mentioned, she has been acting very scatterbrained lately. It isn't typical for her to miss a doctor appointment; yet she proposed three different activities involving me while simultaneously organizing a Girl’s night out herself. Regarding lockups: the last time we were really playing with caged chastity, we both enjoyed the idea of me being locked up when apart. For example, she went on trips to Vegas and NY with me locked away and seemed pleased knowing I was "a good boy." It was fun for us both. Then she had a rare overnight work trip and "forgot" about this policy; when I suggested it again, she looked quite bummed out that I might be "topping from the bottom." I am mid-40s and frankly my sex drive hasn't dropped since my teenage years. So I have plenty of crazy, perverted fantasies (which is why I started my blog). She often seems intrigued by some of them and sometimes comes up with her own ideas too. Example: she once said, "I want to humiliate you by making you wear panties to work." She went to Victoria's Secret and bought these super feminine pastel blue thong panties with little ribbons and lace. I was locked up at the time. I'm not that into cross-dressing generally, but the fact that SHE made me do it—that it was HER idea—and she did it specifically because it turned HER on to humiliate me—it felt very erotic. The funny thing is, she brought this up again a week or so ago: "maybe I'll make you wear panties to work again." But she hasn't— and I suspect she won't follow through. Appreciate any further thoughts.

> sirmebane wrote: ↑Tue Aug 21, 2018 10:07 am > It is something of a learning point for me that she just isn't into as much as I am and she worries more about whether the kids are eating right a lot more than whether I'm having an erection with permission. Her sex drive is there but logarithmically less than mine as we round the corner at age 50. Yes, and I'm cognizant of the fact that I'm fairly active on kinky message boards (you could call this my "hobby") and I am definitely the one with the high libido. And denial actually amps it up even further. There have been times when I'm locked that I become overly needy for teasing and wanting to make her cum. She doesn't think about sex nearly as much as I do, so you are right—it's not top of mind for her.

@sherulestherooster Your wife sounds a lot like mine, and you sound a lot like me. Mrs. Twisted doesn't 'do' message boards—not ordinary ones and certainly not ones like this one. She knows I post on them but has no interest in participating. I have some very kinky fantasies (and a couple of really 'perverted' ones), mostly about being 'used' and forced to participate in/be subject to sexual/semi-sexual/fetish activities that I would not normally do, which usually hold little interest or arousal for me *except* when the consideration is being *forced* by one or more dominant women. Mrs. Twisted has expressed interest/desire (and gets turned on) by some kinky scenarios but the 'follow through' is generally lacking. I would love it if she were to explore ideas online independently (to surprise me)***, but she doesn't seem inclined to do so. I dislike 'topping from the bottom' because technically that puts *me* in control, which is exactly what I *don't* want. I have had some success with requesting particular scenarios as a 'gift', adding the stipulation that if she decides to enact the scene, she must not let me 'get out of it' no matter how 'unwilling' or resistant I might [appear] to be, until she is satisfied (and, of course, she is encouraged to 'ad lib' if she wishes). ***(The first time she had me restrained and sat on my face after fucking (if you can call two strokes 'fucking') and forced me to 'clean up', it was a complete surprise. I don't know where she got the idea, but one of the biggest 'turn-ons' was that I had never mentioned anything like this before; I have no idea what made her decide on it, and I had no way to escape and no 'safeword' to call a halt to it. I really thought she was just teasing and wouldn't actually follow through when she said she would...but she surprised me and *did*.)

Thanks for the input, TW. Indeed, if my wife had other women to talk to about kinky stuff, I would be both turned on and worried. She'd probably get competitive and try to out-do other wives in dominating their husbands. It's weird how I can suggest something and she takes it in, but if she hears the same suggestion from another woman, it’s like hearing the best idea ever. Sadly, she doesn't have any female relationships quite like that yet. Indeed, although there haven't been many times, when she has "forced" me to do anything, those moments have been really erotic. In fact, we had a Sunday night ritual watching Desperate Housewives where the entire show I was "forced" to give her a foot rub by her simply sticking her foot out. It felt like 40 minutes of foreplay followed by actual play. I really enjoyed that time in our lives. I often let her know about some fantasies and she seems intrigued, but nothing comes of it. In fact, I can't think of anything on my blog that she's been vehemently against, except for sexual images, so I stopped adding sexy photos to the feed. The closest thing she has done to face sitting is waking me up, fucking me, coming, and then collapsing on my chest saying, "good luck going back to sleep," before rolling over and falling asleep. I felt so used; it was awesome.

> sherulestherooster wrote: ↑Sun Aug 26, 2018 10:44 am > I will often let her know of some fantasies and she will seem intrigued but nothing becomes of it. When I've dropped a suggestion in and it's a no-go for her, she simply says "That’s an idea."

> I see two distinct problems here, which explains the confusion: First off, she has already agreed to it. Her expectation is that you follow through by producing the device at just the right time—that intimate moment when talk of sex feels natural. This applies to kink in general. She sees it as your responsibility to come up with adventures and make them happen; eventually, she’ll get tired if you keep talking about it endlessly. This is a good division of labor, not topping from the bottom. You are essentially the erotic barista for the relationship. For instance, if she mentions liking the idea of being tied up, it’s your job to bring out some bondage gear during intimate time in a low-pressure way: "Remember you liked X? I found this inexpensive Y. Want to try it now?" She isn’t going to initiate or come up with new things not because she lacks interest, but because that role belongs to you. Secondly, you are aiming for the wrong style of male chastity. Call it Keyholder Style: it’s all about her holding the power, using them as leverage, teasing and denying—very much centered on the man, requiring his time, energy, and focus. Some women enjoy that dynamic. However, she seems more drawn to what I’ll call Locked Style, where your cock is simply locked away while she stays out of the mechanics and fuss. The best move for you would be to get a KSafe with its time-lock feature. She’s also concerned about practicality, so start sensible—perhaps just overnight.

My wife took a while to get actively involved. For several reasons, I didn’t want to "top from the bottom". So what did I do? Back when we played with chastity lockups for just a day or two at a time and I wanted to shift toward longer-term wear, my first step was deciding never to bring up chastity myself. At first this was frustrating, but I convinced myself that being submissive—letting only her raise the topic—was better because it made her own it and stay in control of whatever we did. Then, whenever she mentioned chastity or my cage, I’d immediately follow through. For example: If she said something like "Oh, might you lock me up again?" I would reply, "Will tonight be the last night I’m free?" She would naturally answer yes or maybe. Then, whether she added anything else or not, the next morning I would put on the cage and present myself to her to close it, saying something like, "Okay, you said last night was my final unlocked night." Standing within arm's reach with my lock sticking out of my trouser fly, she would just squeeze the mechanism shut and take the key, usually grinning broadly. "Mission accomplished." Another time early on, she asked, "How long do people stay locked up for?" I simply replied that I didn’t know and asked if she wanted to find out with me. The next day I gave her a "training program calendar" listing increasing lockup durations from one week up to three months, covering an entire year (it conveniently arrived just before the new year). That system lasted until I was on my two-month lockup. Near the end of that period, other issues meant we paused for a while, but since then, my lockups have ranged between 1 and 3 months, and she now often hints at keeping me locked for a full year. If you say or do nothing when she mentions it, don’t be surprised if nothing happens as the result. It is tricky to avoid topping from the bottom, but there are always ways to ask questions or make comments that ensure she makes the decisions. Over time, she will settle into her role and you’ll be glad you weren't too cautious about what you wished for!

My wife had me locked through Locktober but then took the device off in November. Yesterday, after some enjoyable lovemaking, she said I could lock myself if I wanted to since the coming week looked busy and she wouldn’t have time for play. So this morning, after my shower, I put on my device with the key secured in its integrated lock. She took that key, so I will definitely be staying locked through the workweek—and perhaps even longer.