Dealing with Negative Feelings Toward Partner's Kink Desires

I’m not a newcomer here, but I’ve started feeling some negative emotions toward my partner because of his sexual wants and needs.

To give you some context: I grew up in a very religious family in a small town where we were taught that sexual desires are temptations from the devil. It always felt like I wasn’t allowed to explore my own sexuality, especially as a woman. This made me incredibly insecure, and past partners didn’t help much either. Because of this background, our sex life has been challenging to say the least. I feel like I’ve progressed significantly, but some recent issues have come up that are hard for me to handle. They’re causing feelings toward him that I don’t want, though I’m unsure why they exist or how to fix them.

I fully support chastity and related practices. It was a bit of a shock at first and took time to adjust to, but I’ve actually found ways to enjoy it myself. However, with some of the other kink activities he wants to pursue, I’m struggling. I feel overwhelmed, ashamed of him, and disgusted by him, which in turn makes me feel ashamed and utterly disgusted with myself—I honestly hate myself right now. I feel distant, withdrawn, and quite lost. Apart from my partner, I don’t have friends or anyone else to talk to, and I can’t bring myself to tell him how I really feel. He has been patient.

I’m not sure if this stems from residual moral baggage from the nonsense I was fed as a child, insecurity, fear, or something else. Honestly, just looking for any guidance because I feel like I’m losing my sense of self.

We’ve been together five years and have an amazing relationship; we align perfectly in almost every way except this part. I really don’t want to lose him or the feelings I have for him. Any advice from anyone would be greatly appreciated.

Hi Savanna - First off, welcome to the forums! I moved your post into this subforum because you originally posted in the blog area. It can be really tough to overcome an upbringing where sexuality is viewed through a lens of shame and turn it around so that sex becomes a beautiful gift to share and explore. I'm going to share some links to websites run by Christian women who understand this dynamic well; they have written about their experiences. These aren't strictly kink-related, but they might help you in general.

Along with the resources Tom linked (which he always has handy!:), consider checking out a local “munch”? These are social gatherings in vanilla settings—usually restaurants—where kinky people from your area meet up. You might find that you can overcome feelings of revulsion and shame once you connect them to people you know and like.

This is a great place to work through these kinds of concerns. I imagine many of us have dealt with variations of those experiences and feelings myself, so I know how it feels; my only regret is that I suppressed my interests for so long. Communication is critical here, as is trying to be non-judgmental. Without knowing the specific details, I can add that kinks and general interests don’t define a person’s character, nor do they represent some sort of moral battle between good and evil.

I suspect I might be further along the BDSM spectrum than most people on this site (apologies if that sounds judgmental; it isn’t meant to be. After all, the mantra of BDSM is YKIOK = Your Kink Is OK). The OP doesn't specify exactly which "other kink stuff" she finds difficult, so anything I say will have to be a generalization. We all have "hard limits," things we absolutely do not wish to experience under any circumstances (for example, I don’t want anything that goes inside my skin removed or pierced—no knives, cutting, or needles—and nothing related to excretory products). Then there are the areas we aren't sure about but initially resist; you might call these "soft limits," though they can be persuaded. This creates a spectrum ranging from “never” through “possibly” to “bring it on.” It seems most people have tried bondage in some form, perhaps just loosely binding themselves with a scarf. Moving from that to more effective methods isn't too big of a leap, provided it is done carefully and with the next major BDSM concept: consensuality. When I tie someone (yes, I’ve tied many both male and female), I do so with their clear consent, after discussing what they are comfortable with. We also use another key BDSM tool: a "safe word." A safe word can be anything you both agree upon and understand. Saying the safeword means “STOP,” followed by release from any bondage, preferably accompanied by a quiet discussion about what went wrong. This rule is inviolable. So my advice to the OP is to TALK to your husband. Explain your concerns and limits, discuss what he wants to do, and see if you can find common ground. Some things might immediately hit that "safe word" level, so he should accept these as excluded from potential activities. Having introduced several newcomers into BDSM (I served as a Munch Organiser for six years), I know patience is essential. The OP's husband needs to slow down and suggest play at the very softest end of her limits while she tries it out with an open mind. For example, starting without any bondage—massaging her bare back with a fur glove, using a gentle brush, scratching lightly with a comb, or touching with an ice cube—all done randomly to introduce unexpected sensations. Doing this again but adding light bondage would shift perceptions further. Diving straight in with chains and a cane won’t achieve the desired result (though surprisingly, it’s often easy for someone to go from zero to that intense level within months; yes, I’ve done that too). All of this relies on talking without judgment. All kink is meant for fun. Chastity fits into kink—forget the bull$hit about forced chastity being mandatory or abusive; it’s fantasy (or abuse in extreme cases), serving as erotic foreplay, as others here have noted. Why some of us are kinky and others aren’t remains a mystery to me, but again, we exist on a spectrum. We are shaped by our background, upbringing, and random circumstances. As society still frowns upon anything that isn't "normal," exploring kinky desires can be difficult. The "Fifty Shades of Grey" books introduced many people to the BDSM world, albeit with a somewhat poor portrayal of real-life BDSM, which prompted quite a few individuals to explore further. However, just as homosexuality is only recently becoming widely accepted in many countries, I expect it will take some time before you can confidently walk down the street wearing kink attire and carrying a whip!

Like others have said, it’s hard to give specific advice without knowing the details. Start by focusing on chastity. If he approached you (which I assume is true) and asked you to lock him up, then he has essentially offered you control. Take that control! This doesn’t mean you must dictate everything his way entirely, but let him know you are in charge. You can discuss his desires with him, but ensure he understands the final decision rests with you. Let him know you have hard limits that cannot be crossed. We often see men advised to let their wives or girlfriends progress at their own pace. Apply this principle to yourself: proceed at a speed that keeps you comfortable, but don’t be afraid to try new things. You might discover you like aspects of it that seemed beyond your safety net, and your hard limits may shift. If not, YOU remain in charge and can stop whenever you wish. Indulging all his desires or fantasies gives him control and allows him to 'top from the bottom.' Make sure he understands that this dynamic is not acceptable for long-term success.

As someone who has attended therapy to address troublesome thoughts stemming from my own childhood, I would recommend speaking with a professional. This doesn’t mean you’re crazy; they can help you figure out exactly what you're feeling and why, helping you put it in context and work through it. You don't need to bring your partner along initially—you can go alone at least—and receive guidance. It may be personal bias on my part, but I am a huge believer in the value that mental health professionals offer; please consider it seriously. The kinds of feelings you are mentioning have the power to destroy relationships, and I'd hate for that to happen.

> savannaarayex3 wrote: ↑Mon Aug 26, 2019 10:57 am > With some of the other kink stuff that hes wanting to do I'm having a really hard time coping. I feel overwhelmed, ashamed of him and disgusted by him, which makes me feel ashamed of myself and absolutely disgusted with myself and honestly hate myself. Maybe you should reconsider whether you were actually told BS as a kid. Perhaps they were trying to warn you about this specific issue. I could be wrong, but overwhelming shame and disgust are significant warning signs. When I read your post, it sounds like someone struggling to cope.

> mr_faithful wrote: ↑Fri Sep 06, 2019 6:40 pm > > savannaarayex3 wrote: ↑Mon Aug 26, 2019 10:57 am > > With some of the other kink stuff that hes wanting to do I'm having a really hard time coping. I feel overwhelmed, ashamed of him and disgusted by him, which makes me feel ashamed of myself and absolutely disgusted with myself and honestly hate myself. > Maybe you should reconsider whether you were actually told BS as a kid. Perhaps they were trying to warn you about this specific issue. I could be wrong, but overwhelming shame and disgust are significant warning signs. When I read your post, it sounds like someone struggling to cope. Eh, I highly doubt her religious family specifically taught her that choking or golden showers are bad; they probably didn't go into that level of detail. Unless the kinks in question are actually harmful—such as activities that could get you arrested, fired from work, or cause physical damage—there is no real reason to feel such intense shame unless you were explicitly taught to do so. There’s no non-BS logical basis for teaching it otherwise. Or perhaps the partner is being unfairly pushy and demanding about these things, but that is a broader problem bad in every context, not just sexually.

It sounds like whatever the issue is, it has moved beyond "safe, sane, and consensual" when it triggers overwhelming shame and disgust while you are simply trying to manage your self-hate. I could be wrong.

@mr_faithful - there’s really no definitive way to say for sure. The OP is unlikely to share which specific kinks are at play here, so it's difficult to comment beyond what has already been discussed. As an example of something that can cause overwhelming disgust, shame, and self-hate: Being asked to fuck a partner anally with a strap-on. To most people on this site, that likely seems mild—hardly even kink at all. Yay for sexual liberation:).

> Schnoff wrote: ↑Sun Sep 08, 2019 9:00 am > OP is unlikely to share which specific kinks are at play here, so it's difficult to comment beyond what has already been discussed. Looks like the OP "is unlikely to" care about any of these responses since she last visited the site on the day she posted her original question.:roll: > savannaarayex3 wrote: ↑Mon Aug 26, 2019 10:57 am > Please anyone out there with any advice, its greatly appreciated.

lol, I get it @Schnoff. I'm not here to argue about it; just throwing in my $0.02 since advice was requested. > No one: > the community site: "Inspire overwhelming shame and disgust in your partner, and make them hate themselves for it. We can take it from there." :P

Hi Savannah, There is good advice here already. I think that by identifying the factors in your upbringing that have colored your attitudes toward sex, you've made a strong start in addressing them. However, it’s a long journey from knowing something intellectually to emotionally overcoming it. Some of the advice focuses on control and communication, areas where I can offer empathy and insight. My own wife, though not repressed, had significant difficulties opening her heart and discussing intimate feelings. When I introduced the (to her) quite weird concept of chastity and denial, it created real tension between us. I fear I may have been somewhat like your husband is now: I wanted my wife to take control over our sex life and my orgasms BUT I knew exactly how I wanted this done—how often, how she should act, how strictly—and so on. I'm sure you understand the pattern. I’m lucky because I had what feels like a religious epiphany; a blinding light on the road to Damascus. My realization was that all along I was topping from the bottom: pretending to give control while still directing things behind the scenes, which made neither of us happy—and it seriously affected our relationship. After going back-to-the-drawing-board and actually giving up real, unconditional control, my wife gradually learned to enjoy power rather than suffering through my continual requests to keep ramping things up further into her zone of discomfort. We’ve reached a great place now where her "no" means "no and no argument." For instance, she won't peg me, so we never do; or I lie there desperate for her to initiate sex but unable even to hint because I wanted True T&D (Top-down Dominance) rather than the version I thought I wanted. Now I genuinely have it. I hope your husband reaches this same place. All of the above might be wide of the mark and not exactly what you were trying to communicate, but despite any sexual repression issues on her part, it’s still his fault if he has pretensions of being submissive.

The OP joined on August 26th, made two posts total, and hasn't logged in since that day.