Chastity Forced Upon My Marriage - Need Help!

I appreciate any constructive feedback from those who take the time to read this. My wife and I are mild kinksters, with a healthy shared understanding of consent that has developed over our decade together. She is naturally dominant, while I am submissive. We don’t do degradation or live as “slaves.” Instead, I defer to her judgment for both of us and enjoy taking care of things like cooking, laundry, cleaning, and managing her schedule. (Our other interests include light rope, flogging, exhibitionism, etc.) Recently though, she has started enforcing chastity in our marriage. At first, she denied herself orgasms, which confused me privately but didn’t upset me too much. Now, however, she insists that my attempts at heavy petting and similar affection are unwanted and even offensive. She clarifies that this isn’t about her lack of attraction to me; it’s about respecting her “autonomy”. I still get quality time, loving talks, cuddles, cheek kisses, and lip pecks. I trust when she says she is deeply in love with me and finds me attractive. HOWEVER, she has clearly developed a thrill for chastity as a kink (something many here might understand well), and she is imposing it on our marriage WITHOUT my consent. This is NOT MY KINK. We discussed this before, and I was clear about that fact. Now I feel overwhelmed by the loss of physical affection in our relationship. The real horror isn’t just that she made this choice unilaterally, but that it might be a permanent need for her, one I can NEVER fulfill. I’ve tried talking to her, but she seems convinced I just need to be corrected and scolded every time I bring it up. For the first time in ten years, she isn’t listening to me. All submissives have a voice in their relationships. What does she want? What does she need? What should I do?

That’s quite the conundrum. You mention she doesn’t want you to touch her genitals. What about her touching yours? Is that still acceptable? > What does she want? What does she need? > Those are questions for her to answer. I recommend having this discussion outside of your D/s dynamic, as equals. To the same point: What do *you* want and need? Once you both identify your needs and wants, you can figure out how to meet them. The degree is up to you—some people say “needs must be met,” while others are more flexible. This flexibility applies even more strongly to wants. It also depends on whether the two of you are capable of satisfying each other’s sexual desires. It may turn out that you are incompatible, which can be a shock after ten years together. And this incompatibility might not even be directly related to sex; for example: “I need clear and honest discussions about needs and wants, without shame or finger-pointing from either side.” “And I never want to hear about your needs again.” In that hypothetical scenario, the answer is “we are not compatible, and no one is to blame.” Lastly, regarding consent: She has autonomy over her body, just as you do. Saying “you may not touch me” isn’t a violation of consent; she is simply withdrawing her consent to be touched. That’s perfectly fine. It might also make you incompatible. It could be hard and heartbreaking, but it is still not a consent violation.

To be honest, I find this a bit hard to grasp. It seems the missing piece in your relationship is communication. Having many kinks is fine, but if you can’t communicate, that’s a major problem regardless of everything else. The other point I’d make is that what works for one person often works for the other too; there’s nothing stopping you from making unilateral decisions as well. So maybe stop doing something she likes! The main thing is to find a way to communicate effectively! MsM’s ld

Thanks. She doesn’t want any sexual caressing at all. This isn’t strictly about her genitals; it’s a broader sexual denial. She seems to think that generous cuddling and affectionate attention are enough of a substitute. As far as I’m concerned, they aren’t. We usually communicate quite well, so this shift is surprising for me. I doubt that reciprocating by refusing to let her pat my bottom or caress my thighs would be very effective. She seems to enjoy denying herself to me anyway. It’s tempting to stop cooking meals for her, scrubbing her down, and pampering her, but those actions feel a bit petty and unproductive. I suppose what I’m really hoping for from this group is perspective on what chastity means to others—what they get out of it. My wife is only now opening up this door for herself, and I suspect she completely misunderstands that there’s nothing unpleasant about this kink for me. Does she expect me to GROW to like it over time? Is that a common expectation in the community? I need a better understanding on my end. While talking to her directly is important, tensions have risen enough that I need outside input before confronting her again. MY needs are for mild worship and service to her, but I also require the affirmation and exhilaration from frequent, unimpeded sex. That’s what most vanilla people expect in a healthy marriage, and the general public would likely view its absence as a valid reason for divorce (!). I haven’t had many issues with her doing bondage, degradation, or flogging scenes with others over the years. In the past year, she has shown growing interest in being "key-holder"(?) for other people’s chastity devices, and I’ve been discussing that possibility with her. But NOW she is bringing those dynamics into our bedroom.

> Because my wife is only now opening up this door for herself, and I suspect she is entirely miss-understanding that there is nothing about this kink that I find pleasant. **Does she expect that I will GROW to like it over time? Is that a thing in the chastity community?** I need a better understanding of this on my end. Perhaps she *does* expect you to 'grow' into liking it, but only she can tell you what’s going on inside her head. I don’t believe ‘expecting’ someone to grow to like something is necessarily standard practice ('a thing'), though she may have reached that conclusion through discussions with others or by reading certain materials purported to be guides for imposing 'chastity'. The reality is, while many of us here share similarities in some areas, we differ in others. There are *some* kinks that some enjoy which hold absolutely no interest for me; I don’t see how they could ever be ‘enjoyable’—they just don’t appeal to me, and time won’t change that... On the other hand, there are kinks that arouse me, which only a few others on this forum share. There are also things that arouse me but that nearly everyone here (and most of the community generally) views with extreme negativity, much like I view some of *their* kinks. We aren’t all the same in every way, and we don’t all react to stimuli identically. We can’t speak for her; you’ll have to talk to her about this matter.

I'll try to answer your specific questions here @Drewtoy. While I agree with everyone else that we can't give you a one-size-fits-all solution and that you need to talk this through with your wife, I understand that's not exactly what you're asking—you're looking for some internal understanding so you can approach the conversation with clarity rather than confusion (if I've understood correctly). One major thing I'm unsure about regarding your situation: Your "chastity" is imposed mainly because she doesn't allow you to touch or interact with her sexually, but are you allowed to masturbate? Another interesting and unusual aspect of yours compared to most on this forum is that it's enforced without a device. For those who enjoy being in chastity, the device often serves as an erotic turn-on or a reminder of the relationship (since many devices can be removed). Only a few members here likely "need" a device because they lack the self-control to manage their urges otherwise; for them, it's part of the kink. There are several drivers behind our pursuit of chastity. I won't claim to list every single one, but I'll offer some ideas about what others gain from it, looking at both locked and keyholder perspectives... 1) Some people (both sides) enjoy how attentive the locked person becomes because unreleased sexual energy is often directed toward "winning over" or pleasing the keyholder. It seems you are already quite attentive in your situation, which suggests this dynamic might be mutually enjoyed by both sub and KH. 2) Another attraction is simple control (or lack thereof, depending on who you ask). This is a straightforward fetish, similar to how people enjoy deciding what their sub wears or eats. Not much more to it than that, and something that seems already present in your relationship. 3) Some enjoy the heightened intensity of orgasms after a period of denial. The long buildup followed by a powerful release can be very satisfying. I think this is mostly for the submissive, but keyholders may also enjoy knowing they bring their partner to a stronger orgasmic experience. 4) Humiliation plays a part too. It might seem "rare" or even frowned upon on this forum, but some KHs actually enjoy begging to be "unlocked" (in your case, without physical locking). They offer to do "anything" to gain release, allowing themselves to at least receive pegging, prostate milking, or other forms of sexual relief. Based on my limited knowledge, your wife might appreciate this and expect it. 5) Sexual jewelry is a minor but real part of the kink (I've spoken with someone who got excited by "something" happening privately in public, similar to long-term butt plug wear). Obviously not really applicable to you. Anyway, I'm sure there are other factors I haven't mentioned. Whether these apply to your situation depends on what you came here for: understanding what others find valuable in the kink (we have some female KHs who might add their thoughts later). Either way, I agree with everyone else that you need to talk to her. Approach it by asking "why are you doing this?" or "what do you like about it?" rather than framing it as something being wrong (as you've done in the past, when she had to reassure you of her love and attraction). Perhaps steer the conversation toward "how can I earn the privilege..." etc. I hope this insight helps a little.

Thanks Skip! I think the part that's unclear to me is that my wife has been exploring light chastity play with others outside our marriage (which I accept), but she has recently been informally changing the terms of intimacy within our relationship, seemingly influenced by her positive experiences. There’s no device or strict rules in place for us because she has simply stopped enjoying sexual contact with me herself and shut down her own accessibility. But when I express my concerns about the hurt, rejection, and anguish this causes me, she dismisses it as if I were just another chastity sub enduring the "torments" (?) of denial. She doesn’t seem to connect her recent experiences with these changes in our relationship the way I do. Is there a stricter code of "personal autonomy" related to chastity that I’m missing? Has something caused her to redefine her boundaries? I’d expect many here would love to be in my position (incidentally, she IS an excellent top for others), but for me, it feels like betrayal. It’s as if she is trying to coax me into this kink against my wishes. I don’t find it fun, and apparently *she* does. Is she waiting for me to "break" in some way?

> But when I voice my concerns about the hurt, rejection, and anguish that this causes for me, she seems to dismiss it as though I were just one more chastity sub enjoying the "torments" (?) of enduring such denial. Exactly. She isn't hearing you at all. That's why everyone is advising you to work on communicating your wants and needs clearly so you're heard and taken seriously without judgment from each other, preferably outside the D/s dynamic. A communication professional (also known as a counselor:)) can be incredibly helpful here. This is a tough situation for you, but it has little to do with chastity or any specific kink. It's mostly about how you two speak and listen to one another. Edit: > Is she waiting for me to "break" in some way? I sincerely hope not. If she were, let’s be clear: that would be considered “abuse.” There are many “what does she want” questions in your post, which we can't answer directly. There is nothing inherent in the chastity kink that negates communication and consent. No, people here would generally not enjoy being thrust into a “non-consent” situation without extensive discussion and a gradual ramp-up first, even for those who like “consensual non-consent.” If everything is as you describe, then there’s one clear path: You two need to talk as equals and work this out. You might want help learning how to discuss vulnerable topics while listening well and avoiding accusations. All the best!

Okay. Firstly, thank you all so much for taking the time to write. You didn't have to, and I appreciate it.

> Drewtoy wrote: ↑Sun Jan 12, 2020 7:41 pm > But when I voice my concerns about the hurt, rejection, and anguish that this causes for me, she seems to dismiss it as though I were just one more chastity sub enjoying the "torments" (?) of enduring such denial. She doesn't seem to see a relationship between her recent experience and her recent changes the way I do. Is it possible that there is an even stricter code of "personal autonomy" re to chastity that I'm unaware of? Something has brought her to redefine her boundaries? > I would expect many here would love to be in my shoes (incidentally she IS a wonderful top for others) but for me, I feel betrayed. Like she is trying to coax me into this kink against my wishes. It's not fun for me, and it apparently IS fun for her. Is she waiting for me to "break" in some way? I don't know how you've handled previous conversations on this topic, but you need to step out of the sub/dom dynamic briefly to discuss it seriously. As Schnoff said, trying to force/fix you into it is abuse unless it was consented to previously or governed by a D/s contract-like agreement. We can’t read her mind for you; we just share why we enjoy our kinks, which should help you prepare for the conversation ahead.

After reading through all the posts, it seems to me that you have received excellent advice. The next steps are now in your hands. If you're so inclined, please let us know how things worked out. Best wishes to both of you.

This situation is part of a relationship like any other aspect, and communication is key. No one can force you to do something you genuinely don’t want. I was going to simply comment that it sounds like a chastity contract or even a D/s contract might be what you need, but the more I thought about it—and considering there needs to be a serious discussion about limits in your relationship—the picture becomes clearer.

Yeah, this is quite bizarre. Even among the chastity community, it's rare for someone to just not want to be played with, or have sex, or masturbate, at all, period. That almost makes me wonder if there's a physical or psychological problem, like maybe she doesn't actually like sex itself and has come to dimly realize she gets all she needs from just being aroused and from personal intimacy with you, but she's not really put all the pieces together. Or she has an iron will and just loves being horny as heck, and if that's the case, maybe you could come up with a compromise, like you have sex together but you stop before she orgasms (great time to explore anal, as most women won't come from that alone). A dom who likes edging her own brains out before topping others doesn't seem too far-fetched. There is also, and I hate to say it but someone has to say it, the possibility that she's cheating on you. I know you already said you have a form of open relationship, and that's fine, but suddenly cutting your partner off from sex while still being nice and cuddly is often a sign that one is getting all the sex one needs from someone else, so not just some chastity play or fooling around, but straight-up replacing you. There's also a lot of crossover between chastity porn/fantasy and cuckoldry, forced-bi, and sissification, and if she is just recently getting into the scene, she might have some plan or vision along those lines, or she has outright convinced herself that you just don't deserve sex from her. Sorry to be a downer, I just wanted to put that out there. A counselor does indeed sound necessary, or another trusted party, if you can't get her to agree to see a counselor, at least until you two can lay out for each other exactly what they want. And while someone else was correct when pointing out that withdrawing consent for you to touch her is 100% her right, it's also the case that refusing to have sex with your partner for extended periods, without a valid reason, is a form of emotional abuse. There's a lot of subs here and I think all of us can attest to the fact that subs always have to be careful to recognize the difference between being submissive and having our boundaries pushed a little, and being taken advantage of. You have to be willing to put your foot down, as a dom has to earn your submission, on an ongoing basis, just like a spouse has to earn your love and affection everyday, or you love on your kids everyday.

Hey Drewtoy. I’m sorry you’re having a difficult time, and for sure the answer lies in putting both sets of cards on the table and saying “Is this what you want? ...because it’s not what I want”. I always thought I had a pretty good understanding of women; their needs, desires and preferences, but 10 months playing with chastity has taught me that I may know 100% of 80%, but diddly squat about the other 20%. Hell, I can’t even tell you, as a man who masturbated 2-3 times EVERY DAY, how I can now not want that ...but still want it ...but not want it!?!?! And why the hell do I want fantasise about T feeding me my own cum?!=? And if I can’t understand what drives me to want and love to be caged, I can’t pretend to know what T gets from it without asking, and then believing what she says. I wonder - if you embraced her kink for a week/month is there any chance you might enjoy it? So many of us on here spend months and years trying to get our partners interested and involved, and bemoan the KH’s lack of interest on this forum (and that’s fine too - we all share this one kink and want to push it to our limit, but which may be beyond our KH’s limit) I’m just lucky that T took minutes and seems to love all aspects of it! Bottom line though... Maybe the relationship has stopped working for both of you, and you need to return to vanilla land, reset, discuss, and continue (or not). Good luck my friend.

> Excited+Scared1 wrote: ↑Mon Jan 27, 2020 3:16 pm > I may know 100% of 80%, but diddly squat about the other 20%. :lol: > Excited+Scared1 wrote: ↑Mon Jan 27, 2020 3:16 pmAnd if I can’t understand what drives me to want and love to be caged, I can’t pretend to know what T gets from it without asking, and then believing what she says. :lol::lol:

> I wonder - if you embraced her kink for a week/month is there any chance you might enjoy it? > So many of us on here spend months and years trying to get our partners interested and involved, and bemoan the KH’s lack of interest on this forum (and that’s fine too - we all share this one kink and want to push it to our limit, but which may be beyond our KH’s limit) I’m just lucky that T took minutes and seems to love all aspects of it!

Respect her if you love her. This IS not about you. This is about what she wants. She has no need to explain herself to you. All you need to do is stand back and be patient. If you can't support her, and her desire to not be sexual, offends you? Then either open up the relationship or head out the door. Many ex's, imposed sex on me, and as a woman I was taught it was my "duty". It led to trauma and rape. Its not always violent, btw. It's about not wanting but having to do,, anyways.

> She has no need to explain herself to you. I’ll respectfully disagree. If one partner’s needs aren’t being met, then a discussion is in order. Now she can always say “I’m not going to explain this”, but that may then - likely will - lead to a reciprocating answer of “and I am miserable like this, and if this is how it’s gonna be, we are not compatible”. Life is too short to be miserable, and that’s true for equal partnerships as well as unequal partnerships. They’re still partnerships, and that involves a degree of caring for each other.

I'll come here at times to read, but only rarely post. My 2 cents, if it's even worth that... The question has been asked a couple of times above, and forgive me if I missed an answer, but are you allowed to masturbate? Or have other partners? Here's why I'm asking: Certainly there's a whole spectrum of chastity practices represented here, but the one that seems most common is that of one partner yielding control of *their own* orgasms to the other partner. Personally, I enjoy that dynamic, because, as also seems quite common, it improves my focus on making my wife happy, whether that's in the bedroom or otherwise. The thing is, my consent is a necessary component of the chastity dynamic my wife and I enjoy today. Yeah, it was my idea, but it's something that we're doing *together*. In my first marriage, my ex often made herself unavailable sexually, but I was totally free to enjoy the pleasure of my own company. That did a lot of emotional damage to our relationship. It might meet the dictionary definition, but I sure wouldn't have called that "chastity", at least not in the fashion it's most often practiced here. That sounds like what you're dealing with, and it's a whole different animal. There's lots of benefit to being the "denied" partner, if your counterpart actually acts as a *partner*, but to just leave you out on your own, in my experience, is a recipe for a bad outcome.

> sklavenAJ wrote: ↑Mon Jan 27, 2020 9:36 pm > This IS not about you. This is about what she wants. The only relationship that describes is one of literal chattel slavery.

Ni. It's not slavery. It's respect. She doesn't want to talk. She doesn't want much ti doo with him. His only choice, really, is to take the reins and tell ger what HE will do, WITHOUT her. He has no right to demand she do anything she doesn't want to. I'd say the same if the roles were reversed and she were asking for advice.

I’d like to point out that the OP last interacted in this thread Jan 13, in an incomplete message. I don’t know what they were hoping they’d get in this thread - could be fantasy material, could be speculations on their partner’s mindset - but they clearly didn’t get out of it what they hoped for, judging by that last incomplete post.