Shy wife needs direction/guidance

This is my second time posting here and I feel like I’m in the right spot, but I’d love to find an experienced keyholder who can step up and guide my wife a bit. To be honest, I struggle with this… she’s definitely into it—I’ve been locked for over a month most of the time—and she has handed down strict punishment and tried some demanding kinky things. Still, she gets frustrated because she isn’t entirely sure what her role is, while I’m just “going along” without really communicating my needs effectively. That passive approach isn’t working for her; her confidence needs a real lift.

We had a chastity experiment fail years ago for several reasons, including the fact that I think she went to “that other site” looking for answers because she showed some truly strange rapid changes in behavior. I’m not interested in any sissification dynamics with her, and I’ve made that clear. Besides having a teenager at home, I want to avoid opening those particular cans of worms.

I have all these quirky expectations about chastity influenced by porn and other online content, but she doesn’t share them. After reviewing some options recently, she picked up the book Chastity: A Guide for Vanilla Wives, though it hasn’t really grabbed her; she loses interest quickly. She wants to ask questions of someone who actually knows what they’re doing. I looked into joining the Discord mentioned elsewhere on this site, but it feels like there are too many hoops to jump through just to convey our specific needs clearly. Additionally, she prefers posting where she can be contacted without me inevitably reading along.

I thought about paying for a virtual Q&A with a domme, but I don’t think that’s necessary right now. Could someone please point us in the right direction?

Have her join here and enter the keyholders-only section. MsM’s ld

Is there a keyholders-only section? It must be hidden or something. I had read about it elsewhere and was trying to do some research before posting here. Will she easily understand how to find this? EDIT: Thanks! I revisited the rules and found it.

It needs to be requested, and an admin will activate it. Are you referring to Lilly? ---------------------------------------------------- There is plenty of information on 'keyholding' available online. Much of it is fantasy written by men. Some people claim there is only one correct way to do this—it isn't true. You simply need to find what works for the two *of* you. The internet is great for gathering ideas that can be used or adapted, but nothing is set in stone regarding what she 'must' or 'cannot' do. She could start by browsing this forum; there are many concepts here... just treat it like a buffet: take what appeals to you and leave the rest... until you decide you want more of something else.

You might also look at picking up one or two books available on Amazon. Lucy Fairbourne's "A guide for keyholders" remains popular and could be a solid starting point.

I agree with Tom; I don't see any of those options as being the ones I would choose myself.

> Tom Allen wrote: ↑Tue Jun 29, 2021 8:10 am > You might also look at picking up one or two books available on Amazon. Lucy Fairbourne's "A guide for keyholders" remains popular and could be a solid starting point. I agree with Tom too. It’s an excellent book that has helped my wife (who is also the keyholder) significantly.:-)

Our entire chastity journey probably wouldn't have happened if not for the Lucy Fairbourne book.

Sarah Jameson used to maintain a decent blog. Some of her articles are still circulating on the web.

Thanks for calling me out TwistedMister

All the answers I receive from everyone seem to be "read this book" or "go to this site." No one is really offering specific advice... it feels like a bunch of old men sitting around all day in their underwear getting off while staring at their computer screens…

> LilyintheGarden wrote: ↑Tue Jun 29, 2021 11:58 am > Thanks for calling me out TwistedMister All the answers I receive from everyone seem to be "read this book" or "go to this site." No one is really offering specific advice... it feels like a bunch of old men sitting around all day in their underwear getting off while staring at their computer screens…

Geez thanks man, now she's going to beat my ass.

All the answers I receive from everyone seem to be "read this book" or "go to this site." No one is really offering specific advice... it feels like a bunch of old men sitting around all day in their underwear getting off while staring at their computer screens…

Respectfully, general questions get general answers. More specific inquiries would be helpful.

> LilyintheGarden wrote: ↑Tue Jun 29, 2021 11:58 am > Thanks for calling me out TwistedMister Oops, sorry! I didn't realize it was supposed to be a secret.:oops:

> LilyintheGarden wrote: ↑Tue Jun 29, 2021 1:06 pm > All the answers I receive from everyone seem to be "read this book" or "go to this site." No one is really offering specific advice... it feels like a bunch of old men sitting around all day in their underwear getting off while staring at their computer screens…. LOL, no. I don't think there's much 'getting off' happening here; we aren't that kind of place...we send people to the Mansion if that’s what they’re looking for. Some of us might be a bit older, but I can’t just sit around all day on this site because I have other things to do. There is another (unrelated) site I manage and work needs doing too. Besides that, the main point of this site is *not* 'getting off'.

@LilyintheGarden I have noticed your posts about how nobody seems to be helping you or telling you just to read a book. We all want to help you (and your husband), but in order to do so, you kind of need to ask questions yourself. We understand that you are shy and vanilla. Some of those books were written with new, vanilla women in mind—women who suddenly had their husbands say "Here's this weird kinky thing I'd like you to try.":o This board was set up primarily for new, vanilla-oriented people to discuss the topic. It might help if you shared your story here—in a post—explaining how your husband approached you and what concerns you have. Yes, there are many older guys reading, but those old guys started out as young men who had no help approaching this with their wives, making more mistakes than you can imagine. Give them a chance. @IcedOrangesnPeaches That’s an interesting poll, but sadly one of the responses you didn't include should be something like: "Sit down with my wife and calmly explain what I would like, and ask her what she wants in return." Enforced chastity, orgasm denial, and cages can all be fun, sexy ways to enhance a relationship. However, keep in mind they only work if both people are open and honest about explaining their desires. This means the other partner also needs to *listen* to their concerns. It seems to me that you’ve been thinking about these things for a long time before dropping some kind of fantasy bomb on her, leaving her unsure how to react. Don’t expect her to go from 0 to 60 overnight. Take time to explain why you want to try this, and then take even more time listening to her concerns. This won't work well unless the two of you learn to communicate with each other.

> I keep saying this: women seeking advice here should sign up as keyholders and direct their questions to the other keyholders! We locked-up guys have very different viewpoints, so we really can't answer from a keyholder's point of view. If ladies aren't willing to join us in that section, then sorry, they probably don't care enough to ask proper questions. MsM’s ld

> slave d wrote: ↑Wed Jun 30, 2021 7:53 am > I keep saying this: women seeking advice here should sign up as keyholders and direct their questions to the other keyholders! We locked-up guys have very different viewpoints, so we really can't answer from a keyholder's point of view. You might see things quite differently than some future keyholders; suggesting they "should" register assumes that getting info from men isn't enough. Asking men is actually a solid way to get the male perspective if that’s what helps them. > If ladies aren't willing to join us in that section, then sorry, they probably don't care enough to ask proper questions. I find this view somewhat self-defeating. Many of us have long-held fantasies about chastity and OD (orgasm denial). Dropping these ideas onto our partners often leaves them feeling uneasy. I’d hate for anyone visiting out of curiosity to see this attitude and think there’s a single "correct" way, causing them to lose interest in the discussion.

Apologies Tom; it seems we interpreted this differently. One of the questioners appears to be a keyholder but hasn't joined our specific group yet—that was who I had in mind. I also believe men’s biggest error here is centering themselves rather than focusing on the keyholder, leading to failure because there's little benefit for her. Men think it's about them, but they need to make it about the keyholder. If my tone seemed off-putting to potential keyholders, I apologize; that wasn't my goal. Quite the opposite: I was suggesting prospective keyholders would be better served talking to current ones rather than men who have their own agendas.

> slave d wrote: ↑Wed Jun 30, 2021 7:53 am > I keep saying this: women seeking advice here should sign up as keyholders and direct their questions to the other keyholders! We locked-up guys have very different viewpoints, so we really can't answer from a keyholder's point of view. If ladies aren't willing to join us in that section, then sorry, they probably don't care enough to ask proper questions. > MsM’s ld Where is this part? My girlfriend should read it but she uses my account just for reading.