Requesting Seems Straightforward Enough But...

Alright. So here is the endless puzzle. I’ve been locked for a while now. C runs her game, and I go with whatever she says. Honestly, I truly believe she enjoys this as much as I do, if not more so—being unlocked isn’t really an option for me anymore. But sometimes I want to ask for something, or at least bring it up for discussion. Usually, she shuts that down before it even begins, almost like C is in denial or just feels awkward talking about sex. I’m sure if you asked C whether she considers herself kinky in any way, her answer would be “No”. The fact is, she deliberately and sincerely wants my cock caged, enjoys making me swallow my own cum, etc., which kind of suggests otherwise. So why is communication still so difficult or uncomfortable? I find this pretty frustrating, but I can’t really complain given where we stand right now. My question is how to word this message: “Hey beautiful. Could we make a New Year’s resolution this year? A real one that fits with our amazing new sex life dynamic. Have a think about it. It looks fine to me, but so did the other suggestions that were ignored or misinterpreted. What am I doing wrong? Or is there nothing wrong and this is just how things are done.”

That’s a good question. I tried to suggest adding a strap-on for me to wear so we could be intimate without unlocking me. I did my research, had my pros and cons ready, but as soon as the words 'strap on' left my mouth, she shut it down. Nope, nada, never. I might try phrasing it along the lines of how amazing and confident she has become in her control that you’d like to add __________ to take her control to the next level. And after two or three times, if either person says Nay, we toss it away.

My wife is the same way; she doesn’t want to talk about sex or toys in general. So I’ll tease her and tell her I’m going to get an X to really blow you away, then drop it for a few weeks or months and mention it again to see her reaction. We used the Vixskin for a few years with my hands. If I had jumped straight to wearing a strap-on, I think she would have balked.

Yeah.. I tried the strapon route and failed miserably. I have no idea why? C seemed to enjoy it at the time, but when I asked again (as a birthday gift), it was a straight No? So I’ll bring it up again sometime this year. To be honest, I’d like to try pegging. I’ve asked her outright after she mentioned my nice tight ass: 'would you fuck my ass for me'. She said "Yep" immediately. But then later had no memory of the conversation and put it high on the list of things not to be talked about. I have tried reverse psychology like, 'well I would never let you do that, even if you insisted." Her answer is always "Good." I think the answer is wait for the right moment to ask, wait for the shutdown, and carry on because somewhere in there it has been noted. It must be true because look where we are now compared to three years ago. Unless I have a eureka moment, I’ll just ask tomorrow if we can make a sexy New Year wish or resolution.

If you find a way to get your kh to accept a strap-on please let me know how you do it. I will do the same as I plan to suggest it again.

If your wife is very vanilla then I strongly suggest you avoid the common terms in the alternative sex community. Most of them sound like they were coined by horny, drunk frat boys. At the top of the list: pegging, reverse pegging and strap on. Take a look at this thread: the archived discussion Introduce a dildo first, maybe by looking at them together online. The Vixskin site is pretty neutral but also check out the woman friendly "Toys in Babeland." And guys, don't forget that *generally speaking,* women want to know how you're feeling about something. They don’t want a bunch of rules, and they don’t want to feel like this is a challenge. Keep it light and fun.

Maybe if you can get her to listen to this podcast. Can't say that I've worked up the nerve to ask my very vanilla wife to listen yet. ... he-ladies/ Good luck.

I did describe C as vanilla at the beginning of my journey. This isn't the case now of course. 'Normal' sex these days involves tongue, toy and vibrator while I am locked, and then dismissed. I think the problem with pegging (apart from it being called pegging) is that C puts poop and nuclear waste in the same category. So I’ll leave it on the back burner. I have looked at a few podcasts and pages; C wouldn't have the patience to sit and listen. I get a one-shot comment, which is likely unheard (or appeared to be unheard). I see it as planting seeds? But on the right occasion, at the right time, C will read a message before deleting it. Terrified the kids will get her phone. I would like to get the strapon back into action, and I have reasons that might seem reasonable. I dislike the word "strapon" simply because it evokes an instant preprogrammed negative reaction. I have already mentioned 'can we make A sexy new years wish?' and received an answer "I'll wait to see what you come up with" So I’ll be saying (at the right time, on our own, after looking at curtains and cruises etc.) "I have thought about it.. A lot, and I'm sending it now. Or would you prefer to read it from my phone? " Either way. This is the gist of it: This is usually a No, but you're so much more open minded and confident now. And it would means a lot to me. I'd love to hold you while toy fucking you, squeeze your breasts, kiss your neck. It really turns me on thinking about it. Your so fucking hot. So. I’d like to wear your favourite dildo sometime and make love to you. I’d go down and finish the job as soon as you say, being so horny and desperate to give you that amazing orgasm. I would only use the soft toy you like. Please? 💕 Think about it. Actually. Don't think about it just say "Yes super stud muffin. I'm looking forward to it"

> I would like to get the strapon back into action, and I have reasons that might seem reasonable. I dislike the word "strapon" simply because it evokes an instant preprogrammed negative reaction. For a little while we used "faux cock" which led to the term "foxing". However, Mrs Edge now thinks of this as regular sex and we don't use those terms any more

Foxing would work. C loves foxes, so it isn't a shocking word. This may be a way forward.

I have a somewhat similar situation. My wife almost never initiates a conversation about sex. When I do, she generally won't shut it down immediately, but her participation tends to be limited to short comments, and the discussion usually fizzles out fairly quickly (and is somewhat one-sided). Things have gotten *somewhat* better in the past few years. One strategy I use that helps a lot is to start conversations away (in time and place) from sexytime. Usually while we're chatting on the living room couch (which is off limits for play because it's right in front of a window facing the street). I think if it's clear that I'm not seeking sex right *now*, and that this is just a conversation, it releases some of the stress and she feels more comfortable engaging. Another well-known strategy that I've gotten better at employing: use "I" words, not "you" words. "I feel X ....", "I would really enjoy experiencing ...", "I know it's inside my head, but I feel neglected lately because ..." Less threatening, doesn't shift the burden. And finally, we’ve started an indirect strategy that she seems very comfortable with. She’s a big reader and belongs to a book club. So we started our own. On Sunday mornings, we start our play time (after I feed her breakfast in bed) with me giving her a foot massage ... typically for 90 minutes (I'm a service sub:) We now read a chapter of a book about relationships or sex each week and discuss it while I’m giving her the footrub. (This *does* violate the separation from sexytime strategy, as we're both naked and after the footrub we always have some type of sexual encounter. I think the fact that it's a book conversation helps her stay in her comfort zone.) We went through _Five Love Languages_; now we’re working through Nagoski’s _Come as You Are_. Of course, I think it might also help that I'm caged 24/7 for the past four years and she has learned that she's in control ... so even if I bring up a sex topic (whether or not I was trying to lead to sex), she doesn't need to engage if she doesn’t want to. Not saying it’s all roses -- she still doesn’t initiate sex conversations, and is still less comfortable during them than I am. But we’ve made a lot of progress.

PS: Irony! Just as I was finishing my note, my wife came from taking a nap and wanted to talk about sex! (She was a bit unhappy about how she handled a situation ... I won't go into details here as this isn’t my journey blog)

While we’re pretty new, starting “full-time” in July of 2021, one thing I’ve learned is she prefers talking over reading texts, books, or articles. One reason is that she teaches college and reading feels like work to her. I would rather her read something so I don’t have to express it face-to-face; that is not my strong point. With that being said, any talk of Chastity, a penis, or any sex related act will immediately turn her off. I have to wait for her to initiate the conversation. Which isn’t very often. While it’s less than ideal to me, I have been locked full-time since 21 October and she has admitted that she likes me this way. I consider that success with a very vanilla wife.

I liked Tom’s response about not using terms like strap-on or pegging. My wife likes control so I do need to work things in a fun way for her that she is in charge. She likes to really squeeze my balls, but lately a trigger finger has weakened her hand and she can’t sustain any good squeezes. She also enjoys watching those 90 day fiancé shows and we joke about making a drinking game each time someone says “like”. I recently ordered a ball crusher which is two plexiglass plates with a hinge and screws to tighten the plates together. Normally this would be a nope, no way on her part. But I told her about it and thought it would be fun to snug it on and then watch 90 day fiancé where she can turn the screws one turn each time “like” is said and see if I can make it to the end of the show. This was met with a heck yeah from her. And then her control took over as the show is doing a four part tell all. The first show is one turn for each like and if I make it to the end without tapping out, she says she gets two turns for each like on parts two and three turns for part three. So because I would like to introduce strap-on play of me wearing it while caged but got a hard no, nope and even a nada. I have taken Tom’s advice and bought her a dildo. But not any dildo. A six inch non scary looking dildo in green. Her favorite color. Hoping to get her comfortable with it to introduce the harness. Dildo is compatible.

My wife isn't a big communicator, though things are much better than a few years ago or even before in our vanilla days. Since She took over our sex life as part of our FLR and the rule is I do as I'm told and what I'm told, and initiate nothing, it's become clear to me that stuff we used to do which I really liked wasn't stuff She was fussed about; rather, I'd initiate it and She'd go along with it. Some examples are: - Oral sex - I do it far more often, several times a week for longer, but She rarely fellates me, then only for a few seconds. - Mutual masturbation - She might "start things off" but then prefers to supervise me doing myself, but for a limited time and very rarely to completion. I'm not allowed to touch Her genitals without a direct command which happens less than monthly. - PIV - this happens quite often when I'm uncaged but is very regulated. I'm not allowed to cum anyway so ejaculation inside her hasn't happened for some years. - Anal - She likes to finger my "pussy" and penetrate me with fingers and a variety of toys. This is usually how I receive sexual pleasure and how I orgasm (with permission). But strictly no strap-ons; She hates them. I haven't touched Her anus since our FLR began. - Cuddling and petting - She loves this and makes time daily for a naked cuddle in bed but strictly above the waist for me. This is when She's most communicative and open so we can chat frankly. My point in going into such detail is that the stuff we do is not at all what I envisaged us doing before chastity/T&D/FLR. For a good while I missed several of the things we did in the Old Days, which still happen to some degree. She knows I'll do anything I'm told and that I'd very much like to be told to do some acts which are now almost historical. Ain't gonna happen but it's what I signed up for. Anything else risks topping from the bottom which has always ended very badly for me.

OK. I had to use all my good boy points (equivalent to 5 edging sessions) to get C to give me 15 minutes of her time For her to read my romantic plea for strap-on play and discuss it with me. C read it and said "I think you need a different woman. " "What? How did you get to that point before we even start talking?" "I thought you was happy, That I was enough, but you want more. So I'm obviously not enough or what we do isn't good enough" "I didn't say anything like that? I love what we have" "If that was true you wouldn't need to ask for more; I'm not happy. You have a penis. Don't you like using your penis with me? " "Yes if course I do? But I also love toy fucking you. You keep me locked when I'm doing that. This is just the same but with a bit more passion" "So I'm not passionate enough?" "Oh my god. I didn't say that" "Well it sounds like going down on me isn't passionate and fucking me with your real dick doesn't work for you either" "look. Can we just pretend you didn't read it and I didn't write it and just carry on as normal" "With me as a Failiure" So. Two hours later I managed to convince C to carry on as if it never happened. Oh but this will be on her mind for the next fuck knows how long. Not my best result.

So. By morning everything back to normal and totally forgotten about. I didn't actually make any ground that I'm aware of? Often this stuff kinda sinks in a bit. If nothing else C should see I'm consistent Now C seems to get the 'I get off on being sexually frustrated'. So I'll try that approach instead. And use the word foxing as an opening because I know that will get a "Foxing? What is this?". I'm sure there must be a way to say "this would make me happy, can you let me do this for me?" But not yet. I'm in thin enough ice as it is.

In a surprise twist. C has said she will think about letting me wear the harness/strapon (see my journey). She doesn't get why I want to? The way she sees it is 'I have a dick. If I want to play with one she can unlock me". I'm not good at describing why I would enjoy this more than being let out. It's about frustration being so horny. Being released just isn't the same. So how do I explain in minimum words why this would be so exciting and pleasing to me?

Because the harness will free up your hands to give her even greater pleasure which in turn gives you greater pleasure. Let me know if that works as I am planning to use that line when I feel the opportunity is right to bring the subject back up.

> Sam3655 wrote: ↑Wed Jan 25, 2023 3:56 pm > Because the harness will free up your hands to give her even greater pleasure which in turn gives you greater pleasure. Been down that route "I'd love to hold you while toy fucking you, squeeze your breasts, kiss your neck. It really turns me on thinking about it. Your so fucking hot" It doesn't bypass the fact that she could just let me out to do it and surely it would be better. It doesn't help that I'm not small at near 8" so I can't use that angle. She finds the idea a bit scary because I can't feel how deep I'm going with the toy. C is considering it. For me, not for her. But it doesn't make sense to her. Physically it doesn't. Like she says "I have a dick. Use that one" I want to explain how this would benefit me, psychologically, excitingly, kinkally etc. Why it would be better for me. Why it excites me? I'm actually considering asking if I can wear it next time I'm sent down there (locked). With no intention of using it. Just to enjoy wearing it and let C get used to the idea? I know it's all about the frustration and being horny. I get this when I'm allowed out and denied an orgasm or when I'm edged and locked back up. The question is 'why would I want this rather than coming out to fuck her' How to make it make sense?

Unlike what you might expect with many women, my wife really values open communication. The concept of living in chastity originated from her side. We talked about it at length before I finally said yes. I should also mention that we’ve explored a fair amount together when it comes to our erotic life. We’ve stretched ourselves and figured out what works for us as a couple, along with what doesn’t. For me, communication is key no matter what activity you’re doing within the relationship. If you decide to try something new, though, don’t force it too hard on your partner either. Your spouse will need to find their own comfort level if they go along with it. It’s also important that both of us can make this experience our own—a journey we take together. You might want something deeply, but if the other person isn’t quite there yet—or at all—you’ll have to temper your desire accordingly.

> waki86 wrote: ↑Fri Jan 27, 2023 8:52 am > Unlike many women, my wife is into communication. > The idea of ​​chastity came from her, which we also discussed extensively before I agreed to it. > Now I must add that we have also tried a lot together in the erotic field. > And so we have also pushed our boundaries and discovered together what is or is not for us. > Personally, I think that with whatever one does within a relationship, communication is very important. > > And when one is going to try something new, one should not push it either. >Your partner if he goes along with it will also have to find his or her way. > And also being able to make it your own, that is a process that we will have to undergo together. > One can desire something, but if the other is not yet or not at all behind it, one will have to adjust the desire that one has. Exactly. The communication aspect seems to be a hurdle for quite a few people.

Somehow? We managed it. I wore the strapon today and had sex with C. It felt like a special moment for me. Quite touching. C saw it as an act of kindness on her part, which she did after having her own orgasm naturally enough. Surprisingly, it wasn’t nearly as difficult for her as she’d feared. I’ll share more details in my journey log later. Hopefully this isn't just a one-time event.

It wasn’t isolated to that day. Since then I’ve worn the strapon several more times. Sometimes C uses it on me instead of bringing me to an edge (which is quite frustrating), and other times she lets me use her real anatomy. She still prefers my natural self, but finds it amusing how much effect the toy has on me. It might take some time for her to fully adjust though; right now neither of us are totally sure if this is a brilliant idea or not. Today I was offered both a strapon-assisted wank and stimulation from her breasts. C asked whether I wanted to penetrate using my real cock or the artificial one. I went with real. The handjob with the strap-on sufficed.