Exploring Chemistry and Chastity Through 'Cupid's Poisoned Arrow'

I’ve finally completed reading Marnia Robinson’s Cupid’s Poisoned Arrow. It wasn’t exactly my favorite type of book, but I wanted to dig deeper into the chemical side of orgasm. Basically, she explains how the limbic system can override our rational brain and cause relationship issues. A few interesting points stand out regarding the three parts of our brains: they communicate with each other and trigger responses in us as human animals that lead to cyclical behaviors, which can stress even a “normal” loving bond.

Here are the key takeaways:

1. The three brain sections trigger physical response mechanisms we don’t always control consciously.
2. Dopamine, Oxytocin, and Prolactin work together to generate different feelings in our minds toward our sexual partner (or lover).
3. Orgasm triggers a chemical reaction in both men and women: first creating a wave of pleasure, then prompting the brain to seek out new sexual conquests.
4. Sexual acts aimed at achieving an orgasm are called “mating sex”.
5. Sexual acts where the goal is avoiding orgasm are termed “bonding sex”.

The primary aim in mating sex is reaching that release point, which sends dopamine into your bloodstream. Ironically, since our bodies produce this dopamine internally, medical and psychiatric fields struggle to classify obsessive masturbation or excessive sexual activity as an addiction. The legal community has attempted it on behalf of clients (and yes, I’m serious). The high from dopamine release rivals cocaine’s potency, though it lasts much shorter. Following that, Oxytocin and Prolactin help curb Dopamine production, leading to the warm “afterglow” closeness with your partner. This chemical shift is also why men often fall asleep post-orgasm.

(Note: These chemicals aren’t released as fluids in semen or female orgasmic fluid, so they aren’t directly shared between partners).

The chemical release cycle differs by gender. Women generally keep Oxytocin circulating longer than men. Known as “the cuddle drug,” Oxytocin drives the mating and nurturing behaviors that women often display more freely.

The book further explains how men (more so than women) can develop masturbation addiction starting in adolescence, through repeated behavioral conditioning similar to Pavlov’s dogs. It claims this “addiction” breaks only if the chemical cycles remain untriggered for 7-14 days up to eight weeks. (I wonder if Charlie Sheen is aware of this?). A downside of this orgasmic cycle is that men may desire sexual mating with other women rather than their current partner, or they fantasize about partners/activities their spouse isn’t interested in (suggesting fetishes stem from this process). The book doesn’t fully explain how orgasm impacts a woman’s feelings toward her mate, likely because much of the text focuses on the author’s husband managing his “addictions”.

Finally, the author offers insight into Karezza, a quasi-spiritual form of bonding sex. She provides exercises to practice this method, claiming it keeps Oxytocin levels high and avoids the usual chemical cycle caused by orgasm. These exercises resemble Tantric foreplay and eventual tease-and-denial play with potential for “ruined orgasms.” This was an ah-ha moment for me. After months of reading posts here, I keep seeing references to cycles of desire mixed with depression or apathy in chaste men trying desperately to draw their mates into erotic intimacy without orgasm.

Could this be true? Is Male Chastity essentially a form of Karezza sexual practice? The book seems to guide readers there. The author has a website at that covers everything. She leans toward the idea that bonding sex is an ancient spiritual practice rooted in Eastern religions, which might interest or deter some readers either way. Regardless, it’s an interesting read for $12.99 (e-book). I’d love to hear the forum’s thoughts on this topic.

Thanks! justplaying

Justplaying, I've engaged quite a bit with . They really are onto something, in my opinion. A word of caution: Marnia and her husband tend to view chastity play somewhat skeptically. They are very intelligent people, but anything or anyone deviating from their orthodoxy often gets dismissed in a patronizing "whatever works for you" manner. That being said, I encourage others here in our Forum to read the site's content. It appears there IS a brain chemical mechanism at work where our chastity play genuinely draws us together. Kelmag has written extensively on this topic with many references to . I recommend checking out Kelmag's blog. David

David; Thanks for the blog tip. If *Secret Chastity Husband* is indeed Kelmags' blog, then I have read it. That was actually where I got the suggestion to pick up this book. If that isn't his site, could you share the address? I'll check it out. I guess that explains why I felt a bit of a "cult" vibe in the book. My main interest lay in the chemistry behind intimacy and love. I have a simple notion: we humans are animals with a pre-programmed operating system (ancient brain) running an application suite (rational brain). This allows us to construct thoughts (our reality) by interpreting sensory inputs from our environment. I know it's geeky, but that’s how I sometimes visualize things. To me, the brain is just a chemically powered computer and emotions are constructed responses to those sensory inputs.... Damn, sounds even more geeky now... Ok, back on track... The bottom line for me is understanding Karezza better to see if it can serve as a suitable substitute for mating sex or not. I suspect that fighting against natural (pre-programmed) responses isn't usually the best approach. My experience suggests it's wiser to go with the flow, ride the current if you will. I remain open-minded about Karezza because I don’t know much about it yet. Perhaps it is just as natural as orgasm sex. We shall see....JP

JP, Great response, thanks. Your description of us being sort of a natural computer makes perfect sense. To me, Karezza is nothing more than "the Honor System" in male chastity. Looking at Marnia’s site reveals that her husband Gary simply chooses not to have orgasms based on mutual understanding. The only difference for us is we add the neat little game aspect of using a device. This explains why I find Marnia's dismissal of chastity so interesting and disappointing. However, I still value her work greatly. It confirms that male chastity IS a sound way to keep couples interested in one another. I have a question for you: Given your understanding of the "programming," do you see how the logic of *Cupid's Poisoned Arrow* would make cuckolding a natural outcome? David

Wow, David. I can honestly say that question caught me off guard entirely. Major curveball or perhaps a slider.... I’ve read Sarah and John’s blog on this topic and tend to side with Sarah here. So maybe I’m missing your point. If you define Cupid's arrow as the motivation behind mating sex—meaning the male wishes to mate with as many females as possible (not just one), and the female wants fertilization by as many males as she can—then cuckolding makes sense. However, viewed from a bonding sex perspective, I think cuckolding is very counterproductive. I have to admit I struggle wrapping my head around having my wife "serviced" by another man while maintaining a strong bond of intimacy with me.... Just don't get that connection.... Am I missing your point?

I don’t believe females want to mate with as many males as possible. Rather, I think males are there for spreading the genes, while females represent the selective element, which is quite natural. We males can become fathers daily, whereas women can carry a baby only once a year at best. Women often have affairs outside their main relationship because frequently the guy who is good at raising kids and provides a warm, cuddly home isn't the strong, warrior-type, handsome one. The warrior is extremely necessary for group/tribe/nation survival but may not live long enough to help raise his children. Cuckolding might be just an extreme representation of this dynamic, where the cuddly guy knows the woman is being impregnated by the warrior. On the original topic: I am a very monogamous man (as is my wife). I never felt the urge to seek other mates or "conquests" after having had "mating" sex. Our journey into chastity has revealed that our "mating sex" functions as much as "bonding sex" for us as any other type. Since realizing how important post-sex cuddling and afterplay are for my wife, I am often the one who stays awake while she drifts off to sleep with her head on my shoulder and body snuggling up against me. So, for me, improving the relationship doesn't require breaking the (male) orgasm cycle. Instead, it’s about focusing on my partner, attending to her needs first, with the option of being rewarded later. PS and edit: For the geeks: Eric Raymond once posted a very good article outlining his view of evolutionary principles behind human male and female mating behaviors:

JP, KPB, You are right. For the sake of bonding, I think cuckolding would indeed be counterproductive. What I was saying (alluded to by JP) is that one reason the word "poisoned" appears in *Cupid's Poisoned Arrow* is that natural urges MAY suggest Nature is conspiring to promote a version of cuckolding rather than bonding. I certainly am not arguing for or against cuckoldry; rather, I believe the dynamic Marnia describes seems biologically supportive of it. Do you guys agree? I do. (Again, not condoning or advocating it specifically). I think Mother Nature is perfectly fine with a woman having a warm, cuddly guy at home to handle family raising and earning while she has sex with the warrior type. To me, this explains why chastity play appears so successful in improving relationships. It promotes bonding by helping bypass some of the hangover effects of ejaculation. David

I don't fully buy that there is proven "science" behind the claims on the website. I'm not saying their practices aren't good or helpful; I just think there is a strong anti-orgasm streak in their theory that hasn't been scientifically verified. I see personal benefits in limiting orgasms, but I don't believe they have negative consequences as suggested by the site. The site also feels too anti-kink and anti-porn for my taste. Additionally, it’s a bit "one size fits all." Not every relationship will benefit from their approach, nor does any single need require those exact practices throughout its duration.

A People are different. For some (Atone comes to mind), having a completed orgasm leaves them feeling somewhat bad about it. I almost never feel that way, except when I positively know I failed to hold back sufficiently and deprived my wife of sharing hers with me. B There are societies that openly tolerate cuckoldry. On the South Sea islands with their small, closed populations, it’s not uncommon for a passing stranger to have sex with a local wife, resulting in the child being accepted into the family by her husband. Expanding the genetic base is always an evolutionary advantage. K

Very interesting information regarding the orgasm! I wouldn't mind picking up that book myself, and I'm on a constant quest to learn more.

> There are societies that quite openly tolerate cuckoldry. On the south sea islands with their small, closed populations, it is not uncommon that a passing stranger has sex with a local wife, and the resulting child being accepted into the family by the wife's husband. Expanding the genetic base of the population is always an evolutionary advantage. On Tuesday, I attended a presentation by two physicians who recently returned from an 18-month stay in Lesotho. Lesotho has some of the highest HIV rates globally (estimating that 50% of women under 40 are HIV+), so sexual practices are a major concern there. Apparently, "concurrent monogamy" is the norm (as opposed to serial monogamy common here in the US). Many men go to South Africa for periods to work in mines, leaving wives behind. Both men and wives have lovers while apart. You can see how this network of sexual partners leads to skyrocketing HIV infection rates. The men also apparently hold a very macho attitude about being men and absolutely refuse condoms, which contributes further to the problem. D

All good comments.... I tried downplaying the almost "cult-like" feeling of the book, but their website doesn't hold back. That part didn't matter much to me; my interest was in how body chemistry affects thinking and emotions. Honestly, I'd like to read more about that topic, but have found very little online accessible to laymen. I actually started this whole search after reading Kelmag's blog. Here's the link: ... otion.html I should mention that the author's husband was addicted to both alcohol and porn. Personally, when someone says they are "addicted" to porn, I think they mean masturbation addiction. That’s partly why I found this book interesting. The book is written mostly from the perspective that the human male is hardwired to seek out an orgasm. Once experienced, men want to achieve that "high" repeatedly. They claim this need for constant release programs the brain to search for relief but eventually requires more of the "drug" to get off. Is it a stretch of science? I don't know; it's only one book and not written by scientists. However, I have read medical journals describing addiction formation in similar terms. Having said all that... Porn, masturbation, orgasm aren't bad things at all IF balanced with the rest of your relationship. The subtitle was "From Habit to Harmony." Meaning when they broke the chemical cycles of release (habit), they experienced a different type of sexual pleasure resulting in more intimacy and harmony. In that respect, I think chastity play fits perfectly with the non-orgasm theme. Several of us practicing this are enjoying the constant feeling of desire for our key holder while being denied orgasm. We crave control by our key holder. It doesn't mean we dislike or don't want release; just that denial keeps us on edge longer and makes us more receptive to giving attention to our key holder (in many ways). At least, that is my personal experience with chastity play alongside my key holder/wife. I think it's all good from that perspective. As for cuckolding? I see how it fits biologically in the argument, but my rational mind just can't fully accept it. Perhaps we humans have evolved beyond that or found other ways to fulfill "warrior sex" and "provider intimacy." It’s great having a forum like this to gather views.... keep the comments coming.

> member_03509db961 wrote: > People are different. For some (Atone comes to mind) having a completed orgasm actually ends with them feeling somehow bad about it. Me, I almost never felt bad. Only when I positively knew that I had failed to hold myself back sufficiently and deprived my wife from having hers with me. The only reason I felt bad about my last (ruined) release is that it wasn't authorized. I was glad I could stop enough for it to be "ruined" but still disappointed none the less. My feelings seem much like what you described above. When I was allowed to orgasm prior to that, it was great and enjoyed immensely. I'll add that currently, I am in a period of long denial, though that may change later on, and I'm OK with that if/when it happens. -A

> member_03509db961 wrote: > People are different. For some (Atone comes to mind) having a completed orgasm actually ends with them feeling somehow bad about it. Me, I almost never felt bad. Only when I positively knew that I had failed to hold myself back sufficiently and deprived my wife from having hers with me. The only reason I felt bad about my last (ruined) release is that it wasn't authorized. I was glad I could stop enough for it to be "ruined" but still disappointed none the less. My feelings seem much like what you described above. When I was allowed to orgasm prior to that, it was great and enjoyed immensely. I'll add that currently, I am in a period of long denial, though that may change later on, and I'm OK with that if/when it happens. -A

> member_03509db961 wrote:I was referring to this from your "Ruined Orgasm" thread: OK, that makes sense that you got that feeling. It was never the case that *I* felt bad (or grumpy) about having an orgasm. It was that my wife thought I was grumpy after having an orgasm. I think what was really happening is that I was satisfied and moved on to other things the next day, my focus was somewhere else. She thought that I should be a little "happier". Now, last night we had sex, by that I mean that I took care of her orally while remaining locked up. It was great for both of us last night and this morning I can't tell her enough how much I appreciated it. -A

> Atone wrote:I think what was really happening is that I was satisfied and moved on to other things the next day, my focus was somewhere else. Talk about us men and their singlemindedness. When we are into something, it is as if we were not there at all, which must be frustrating for the communication-oriented beings that our wifes/girlfriends are. Now, although we don't do orgasm denial in any way you would see as "denial", me being locked in the cage throughout the day gives us something to structure our intimate lives about. Which, as far as I can tell (and I can tell bettter now than ever before because of the better and more open communication), works out great for the both of us.

I have speculated on possible motivations for cuckoldry and why it turns me and so many other people on. One theory I have is that sperm competition is good for our species and so having a partner that sleeps with other men is genes expressing a desire for sperm competion for the good of our species. The amount of "Hot WIfe" "Cuckcolding" "Gangbang" porn in existence seems to indicate a genetic source. While unscientific here are the tags most used at literotica and the amount of stories tagged with them. anal(14866) oral(10585) threesome(8752) lesbian(7435) masturbation(7392) blowjob(7338) bondage(7001) oral sex(6086) drama(6037) romance(5405) humiliation(5234) spanking(5226) wife(5124) femdom(5059) milf(4796) cheating(4715) college(4562) submission(4463) love(4353) older woman(4302) mother(4284) voyeur(4133) first time(4008) sister(3916) cuckold(3911)

> The amount of "Hot WIfe" "Cuckcolding" "Gangbang" porn in existence seems to indicate a genetic source. Using that sort of 'logic', your conclusion doesn't stand up. If Literotica stories were an indicator of genetic predispositions, then with 'cuckolding' coming in dead last in your list with just under 4000 and 'anal' heading it with nearly 4 times as much, then the subsequent conclusion would be that the human race is genetically programmed for extinction from depositing sperm in a place that guarantees that it will not result in reproduction.:roll:

> member_1f353e1d87 wrote: > > The amount of "Hot WIfe" "Cuckcolding" "Gangbang" porn in existence seems to indicate a genetic source. > Using that sort of 'logic', your conclusion doesn't stand up. If Literotica stories were an indicator of genetic predispositions, then with 'cuckolding' coming in dead last in your list with just under 4000 and 'anal' heading it with nearly 4 times as much, then the subsequent conclusion would be that the human race is genetically programmed for extinction from depositing sperm in a place that guarantees that it will not result in reproduction.:roll: Just my opinion of course, but I think the cuckolding fetish is really more a subset of a humiliation/submission fetish, and when it involves the use of a MC device to enhance the experience it also incorporates aspects of BDSM. There may be genetic components, but I think it's more likely these things are more a matter of some sort of stimulatory imprint that occurs at a critical time in a person's development...of course, a propensity to imprint sexual behaviors is genetic, and provides survival advantages for our species. However 'these things' fit together, they must be working, because there's certainly no shortage of human beings on the planet.

I had not seen this post before. Interesting stuff. I have to say that I do feel that chastity is in a way, a form of Kareeza, if that's how you go about it. I used to wear a CB regularly, but due to inflammation issues, we stopped using it for more than occasional times. What we do now is more honour system. What we do is also based more on Tantric than anything else. We all have different ways of doing things, and view them differently, which makes it hard to generalize about fetishes and practises. For me, I don't masturbate anymore (used to edge a lot) and I don't have orgasms (used to have big drops after) or have penetrative sex. This was started with a CB, and the habits were formed with a CB, but the CB isn't a regular thing. I can, and do get physical relief, by giving orgasm, as long as I'm in the right Tantric headspace. As to the cuckolding discussions here, it's something of interest to me on some levels. I have an unusual situation, in that I live with my wife, and my sub/pet, lives in an apartment in our house, and we hang out together. Our sexual lives are separate however, and with my sub, my wife does not allow penetrative sex, or me to get off in any way, outside of her being allowed to give me the odd ruined orgasm. My wife prefers toys to regular sex, and we use a strap-on, that I wear for sex. Anyhow, with my sub, I would be OK with her having a fuckbuddy, as she does miss penis in vagina. We have a number of swinger friends, and it's something we could arrange, but as has been pointed out in terms of risk, it's not something we'd just go do for fun, or on impulse. Is cuckolding (even in that situation) humiliation? It can and could be, but it depends on the people involved, and what they want/feel. Some of it depends on how you view sex and intimacy. Like many of us who are chaste, I like seeing a cock orgasm, and I like seeing people have sex. I have had MMF experience, and it can be fun to share, and often has no humiliation aspect. You can do all this stuff, so many ways, for so many reasons.

> Just my opinion of course, but I think the cuckolding fetish is really more a subset of a humiliation/submission fetish, and when it involves the use of a MC device to enhance the experience it also incorporates aspects of BDSM. Yeah, I *think* that's where it gets me, with the bondage, domination and humiliation. > There may be genetic components, but I think it's more likely these things are more a matter of some sort of stimulatory imprint that occurs at a critical time in a person's development...of course, a propensity to imprint sexual behaviors is genetic, and provides survival advantages for our species. I can pinpoint a moment in time, when I was too young to understand much about sexuality...a scene on a [childrens(?)] TV show* that is burned into my memory, 'imprinted' as you say...but the question that nags me is: whether this stimulus was responsible, or were there other factors involved and the particular stimulus was merely a trigger that brought it all together. *(Ostensibly a childrens show, but like many others it contained elements that would appeal to adults, and themes that only an adult would recognize/understand.)