Journals and blogs discussion

I arrived at this site on Monday morning because I hadn’t provided proper aftercare during a scene with my now-complicated lover, who was serving as my slave back then. I came hoping to find advice and wisdom from those more experienced than me. At first, he barely spoke to me. Now he accepts when I touch him but has only reciprocated once since Sunday. He’s taken off his cage and collar and described our relationship as complicated. Today I wrote him a letter and shared it on the social network we both use. I thought this would expose my vulnerabilities, making me just as open as he is. He said he appreciated the gesture but didn’t like that I had posted it publicly. So, I took it down… I decided to try a different approach and asked him if he would have been alright even if I had given him aftercare during the scene. Since I’ve apologized in every way I know how… He said he believes he would have been okay, although truthfully it sounded like he was trying to convince himself. He admitted that he didn’t feel ready for the scene despite having begged for it. He told me there is no hope left, but hasn’t yet said he’s taking me home. So there must be some hope after all. He wouldn’t just leave me here if there were none. What would be the point of that?

I managed to get him to open up for a bit last night and tried to replay what happened during the scene... But our memories no longer align. He thinks I gave him absolutely no aftercare... Which isn't entirely true. I asked several times, both verbally and non-verbally, if he was okay. Then, right after the scene ended, he curled up in my lap for a few minutes. After that, we went to the kitchen where I sat down on the floor because I started shaking. We stayed there talking about the scene for probably 15-25 minutes. I asked him several times during and immediately after if he was okay. He answered yes each time. While sitting in the kitchen, I finished my drink, which contained alcohol. I had consumed some before the scene but not enough to affect me much. Afterward, though, while still in the kitchen, I downed it rather quickly. I remember asking him again if he was okay, and he said yes. I recall getting up and announcing that I was going for a bath. I went into the tub, filled it with water, but immediately started draining it. By the time I came back out about 10 minutes later, he was curled up in the fetal position on the couch, completely shut down. He feels like I had been gone for hours. He felt that I needed to scrub off the filth... Which isn't true. For me, taking a bath is similar to drinking a beer or smoking a cigarette, although since he has breathing issues, I don't smoke at all anymore. He said I should have stayed with him for at least 10-15 minutes. When I tried to explain that I did, he told me his mental image of the scene must be wrong. It felt like I was gone much longer than a few minutes. He refused to go to bed, so I curled up on the rug next to the couch and held his hand to ensure he would be alright all night. Only later did I go to my own bed after he said that me being there wasn't helping him sleep. So I sat on the edge of the bed until I heard him get up, then immediately returned to his side. While he was in that fetal position, I tried to tell him how much I enjoyed everything, but all he would say is that he'd never do it again with me there. He told me he felt ashamed because he actually enjoyed it... I remember getting angry because there's no reason for him to feel shame. It looked beautiful and sexy to me, and I don't understand why I can't help him see himself the way I see him.

Lady Jezerae, I hope you find the answer that reopens the door. I am sure others will offer options and input; however, I do not feel I have enough experience to provide anything more than my thoughts and some positive energy for you.... May You and yours find a way to use this situation to open doors and improve your relationship. V.R. cagd wolf

> Caged Wolf said: > Lady Jezerae, > i hope you find the answer that reopens the door. i am sure others will give options and input, however i do not feel i have the experience to offer anything other than my thoguhts and some positive energy for you.... > May You and yours find a way to use this situation to open doors and improve your relationship. > V.R. > cagd wolf > Click to expand... Thank you for your kind words.

> Lady Jezerae said: > I tried to tell him how much I enjoyed everything, but all he would reply was that he would never do it with me there again. He told me **he felt ashamed of himself, because he enjoyed it**... I remember becoming angry, because there is no reason for him to be ashamed. It was beautiful and sexy to me, and I don't understand why I can't make him see himself the way I see him. > Click to expand... Okay, the penny is dropping for me. He has self-worth issues. This is likely how he is hardwired, so even with counseling, it's probable that he will be unable to view himself as you do. From what I've gathered from your posts, this seems to resonate as a defining moment in his self-perception, especially considering the sexual abuse. I think it’s really important for both of you to have some space and time to heal. He should definitely seek counseling—and start focusing on the positives rather than the negatives. You certainly won't be able to fix this entirely on your own right now. This is something he needs to address, though whether he chooses to do so is another matter.

I hadn't intended to bring it up last night. I wanted to let things rest, but as a little treat for him, I grabbed his box of goody powders and wrote down something I love about him on each one. While the three of us were playing Uno, he threw the card labeled "mouth" at me. He was checking if I got it, and initially, I thought he was hinting that his tooth was acting up again. The little miss was eating chicken; she swallowed a bone fragment while laughing, so he announced he knows exactly what that feels like and gave me a kick—not too hard—that’s when the penny dropped. After she went to get her bath, I asked him about it. He admitted he loathed performing oral sex on other men and felt nauseous when they ejaculated in his mouth. This surprised me because earlier he’d said he enjoyed it. Eventually, he confessed that deep down, he really hated it. Then came the venomous attack from him: why had I pushed for this specific scene? I remained calm despite being taken aback, pointing out all the videos and photos he’d sent showing exactly that dynamic. I reminded him how, after making him cum on his panties and suck them clean, he’d wished they were another man’s semen. He’d also spent time with a friend at one of our parties trying hard to help him climax. A few weeks ago, we had a stranger over who finished on his face; he told me then that he wanted the guy to cum in his mouth. Sooo, I was completely blindsided. He’d been setting up encounters with "strangers" for some time now... so I didn't grasp what he was trying to say at first. That’s when he lashed out most fiercely. I asked if beating around the bush meant he considered the scene nonconsensual. He said yes, and by God, I wanted to grab a knife and stab myself in the chest. My insides were shaking so hard I could barely function. I ran outside into the storm but didn't want to get drenched because the little miss would definitely notice if I came back soaking wet from her bath early. I went out there and screamed my frustration, then walked back inside where he asked for some time.... "FINE" I set the egg [[timer]] and returned outside for a few minutes, checked on our daughter, and then came back to question him again. He tried to claim that once more I was making it all about myself. With no uncertain terms, I told him: you just admitted I "FUCKING RAPED YOU" and I want answers "NOW" I asked what happened to telling me you didn't want a scene? What about your [[safeword]]s? He tried to argue that a "true slave" would never question their [[master]]. They would do anything for them. I felt like vomiting. WTF!!!! By this point, I was furious and attacked back.... "A true slave does what the Master wants? What happened to our expectations?" "A true slave wouldn't have taken off her [[collar]]!" He retorted: so what did that make me... "NOT A TRUE SLAVE" These are the expectations he should have been following... - Maintain transparent communication between partners at all times. - Sympathetic dialogue where we share our experiences, thoughts, feelings, and desires in a friendly, uninterrupted context. - Ask for clarification to make sure you understand what they are trying to convey, think, and feel. - Discuss one problem at a time. - Silence can be deafening… - Be aware of what you and your partner want for yourselves and what you want from the relationship. - Problems will not break us. Working together on problems makes will make us stronger. - Let one another know what your needs are. - Realize that your partner will not be able to meet all your needs. Some of these needs will have to be met outside of the relationship. - Be willing to negotiate and compromise on the things you want from one another. - Try to see things from the other's point of view. This doesn't mean that we must agree with one another all the time, but rather that both of us can understand and respect each other's differences, points of view, and separate needs. - Where critical differences do exist in your expectations, needs, or opinions, try to work honestly and sincerely to negotiate. - Treat each other in a way that says, "I love you and trust you, and I want to work this out." - Make time each day to share with each other some of the events of the day. - Important decisions should be discussed between both parties. - Respect each other differences. - Maintain and protect the trust given by the [[submissive]]. - Have a clear understanding of each other’s personality, strengths, and weakness. - Be clear about the terms and conditions of the [[submissive]]’s service, including restrictions on the [[submissive]]’s activities and the [[mistress]]’s rights to use the [[submissive]]. - Ensure the [[submissive]]’s physical, social, emotional, and spiritual well being. - Provide whatever training, direction, and guidance is necessary to develop the [[submissive]] to their full potential. - Spend ample quality time together outside of the bedroom. - Giving each other complete undivided attention. - Affirm strong, ongoing commitment by both partners. - Remain flexible in negotiating terms of the partnership. - Integrate dominance (control) and submission (service) dynamics into everyday activities. - Engage in ongoing sexual & [[BDSM]] activities that bond partners to one another while reinforcing their self identities. - Recognize that both partners must share common values and interests outside of the lifestyle to maintain a long term union. - Put an emphasis on being together and doing things together. - Like spreading out blankets and pillows on the floor. Gathering up our favorite drinks and snacks we can pretend the TV is broken and talk till the sun comes up or something else happens. If the floor gets too hard we can always retreat to the bedroom after a while. - Periodically reset/calibrate the relationship to ensure that partners remain interested in and connect to one another. - Be cautious of visible & invisible knowledge. - Like if I ask you to go to the store and buy a steak for a special dinner I want to prepare for you, and you come back with a choice walmart ribeye. For me I would blaunch wondering why you didn’t get a NY Strip Steak. Without taking the time to talk to you I could become upset thinking you didn’t care, but if I take the time to ask you might say its the same size and shape of what I would buy. You didn’t know that I would want this particular kind of steak, because I did not tell you. Therefore that knowledge was invisible to you. - When either party realizes they have made a mistake, take immediate steps in correcting it. - Encourage the [[submissive]] to explore their heart. - Explore each other's interests. - Respect each others needs, wants, desires, limits, and ideas. - Serve as a guide for the [[submissive]] in their quest for submission and spiritual connection through [[BDSM]]. - Give the [[submissive]] Directives and Instructions that may carry beyond their physical time together. - Provide the [[submissive]] such tokens of ownership. - Correct inappropriate behavior in whatever manner choosen within the submissives limits. - Correction will end in debriefing and forgiveness. - Appropriate space and time should be observed after a conflict. - Intimacy - “Touch was never meant to be a luxury. It is a basic human need. It is an action that validates life and gives hope to both the receiver and the giver. The healing of touch is reciprocal.” - Irene Smith It's on Google Drive so their is even a link to it v2Xa_clQI1BlBQjCb41CRYeuXg/edit?usp=sharing Will update with more details later... just need to let things settle down again.

Removed.

I was expecting you to mention that you wanted to stick a knife right into HIS heart! You poor soul. It seems he is still quite unsettled regarding this Cock matter.

> [[member_41314d757c]] said: > I was expecting you to mention that you wanted to stick a knife right into HIS heart! > You poor soul. It seems he is still quite unsettled regarding this Cock matter. > Click to expand... I would never intentionally hurt him. If I believed that hurting myself might cause him to leave, I would do it without hesitation.

It feels like me and he are at a turning point; between tonight and tomorrow we will either make this work or fall apart.

Sending thoughts and good vibes your way, Lady Jezerae.

"Oh my. What a disaster. I sympathize with you because what I've read so far suggests he has led you on!!! All that talk about strangers and wanting a man's seed inside him... I would be angry too! After all the care and effort you invested, and he acts like that? He was clearly unprepared and at fault for not being honest with himself first, then with you. I'd be VERY cautious about attempting anything more. The trust has definitely shattered, and it would personally be very difficult to forgive him. I'm doubtful things can be repaired; only time will reveal the truth......",

"I feel compelled to offer a different perspective. The original post claims you failed to provide adequate aftercare following what appears to be quite an emotional scene, particularly given your sub's history. Regardless of the expectations, rules, safeword or other safeguards in place, such a scene for a man who has experienced rape will have a profound impact on his emotions and psyche. Then, while processing everything, he tells you that *you* raped him because you couldn't end the scene or communicate your needs/feelings? That feels like a gross misuse of the term 'rape'. I'd ask everyone here: if this were a male dominant who had put a female sub through a similar situation, knowing she had been raped before, would we be saying the same things? I don't think so. The dominant would likely be harshly criticized even for considering such a scene, let alone failing to provide proper aftercare. Personally, I believe this was simply not the right kind of scene for your sub, no matter how much he fantasized about it. For now, I think the best course is for you both to acknowledge it went wrong and focus on him and repairing the damage as best you can, rather than trying to justify what I consider a 'scene too far'.",

> Lady Jezerae said: > It's on Google Drive so there is even a link to it > > More later... need to calm down again. > Click to expand... If you're trying to establish D/s dynamics based on another person's thoughts and writings, please give up now. I'm not intending to sound judgmental, but it doesn't seem like either of you are emotionally ready for the level of "play" you've described. Forgive me if I say so, but that whole "you're not a true slave" argument used against your sub (regardless of what constitutes a "true" slave) is complete nonsense, especially when he's known to be in an emotionally vulnerable state. If you can't manage your emotions, then sorry, as a Dominant, I'm unconvinced that you are ready for any of this. Is it unfair that there's more pressure on the Dominant to stay in control? Yes, absolutely, but that comes with being placed in a position of power over another human. It's a total cliché and I feel slightly ashamed typing it, but with power comes responsibility. Of course, perfection isn't expected, and inevitably emotions will arise at some point or other, but everything I've read in your threads sets off massive alarm bells for me. I might be being overly cynical, but I only hope this isn't just a desperate attempt to get attention, because the topics you're raising are definitely not suitable for that. I'm willing to give the benefit of the doubt—hence taking the time to reply—but it's not the first time I've seen this sort of thing.

*referencing Mistress Jules' previous post* It is an interesting and valid concern. However, my reading of those lines: > you just told me that I "FUCKING RAPED YOU" > Click to expand... is that *he* has told *her* that she raped him. A subtle but important difference. Either way, I agree with @Mistress Jules that in hindsight it was indeed a scene too far for the sub.