Chastity and orgasm denial discussion

I’m certain this topic has come up before in these forums, but I’d still value some guidance.

I’ve been married for more than two decades. Generally speaking, I consider myself the alpha male of our partnership, yet when it comes to sex, everything revolves around her. I genuinely enjoy pleasing her; she loves having me use my tongue and fingers on her. She doesn’t really know how to please me in return, but honestly, that’s fine with me—I’m happy just watching.

I want to take all of this to the next level by submitting myself to chastity. There is something about feeling that frustration and being physically dependent on her goodwill that I crave, even if I can’t quite put it into words.

I’ve brought this up with her several times now, but she simply cannot or will not agree. I suspect it’s partly because she is generally very conservative, combined with the fact that she prefers her man to be dominant and “strong.” Additionally, she loves being passive, especially during sex.

Any ideas on how to better explain what I need? How can I show her the benefits of this dynamic without making her feel like she’s losing her “man”? I don’t want to just convince her by having her do something uncomfortable.

I’d really appreciate any advice.

There are a few ways to go about this. The most crucial elements are time and patience. First, I would suggest buying an inexpensive device and wearing it whenever possible without her knowing so you can get used to the feel. I recommend starting cheap because you need one that allows for extended wear without causing agitation or sores, all while being budget-friendly. My reasoning comes from personal experience—and likely others’—that if your wife eventually agrees to give it a try, she won’t be put off by odors coming from some devices nor worry about the health of your parts regarding pain, sores, or bruises. I made the mistake of buying the CB6000 and only wearing it for short periods before my wife took the keys. I managed to last 24/7 in that device for a couple of days, but eventually had to ask her back for the keys due to pain at the back of my scrotum. When she removed the device, she saw the raw skin there. This nearly ended my chastity lifestyle right then and there. Since you didn’t specify exactly what you discussed with your wife, it’s hard to give precise advice, but I’ll try anyway. My wife was—and still is—very conservative in many ways, which can be a shocker for most women. You have to make the experience all about her as it should be. The sexual fantasy needs to remain primarily in your head at least initially. I was very open with my wife on many fronts but kept the sexual aspects minimal. I let her know how much I enjoyed sex with her, even though there were times when I still masturbated and felt quite guilty about it. I explained that I only wanted to orgasm with her, which would help because I’d only climax when she desired sex. She would also have the freedom to be pleasured without the pressure of performing for me, highlighting how her pleasure enhances yours. It would make me desire her more deeply, much like we did when we first started dating. Even though I appear as a very strong male in her eyes, I possess this one weakness that I want to control for both our sakes and for the benefit of our marriage. If she allows a trial run, ensure you have the correct device ready. The next part is the hardest: take things slowly, don’t make it a huge deal, and avoid being pushy or constantly talking about it. Let her grow into it naturally. Most importantly, forget about perfecting every detail of the fantasy; don’t force it on her or get upset if reality doesn’t meet your ideal level. Done correctly, she will come around in time. It will be so worth it. This is about both of you, but mostly her. It’s a lifestyle, not just a marathon. Here’s a great quote that hopefully you can use: "Chastity is not magic, it is not a cure all. But it can be a powerful tool to bring two people who love each other together"

> chastingfun said: > There are a few ways to approach this. The most important part is time and patience. > First I would start by buying a cheap device and wear it whenever you for as long as you can without her knowledge to get comfortable wearing it. The reason I say a cheap device is for you to be able to find one that you could wear for periods of time without agitating things or creating sores etc. without breaking the bank. My reasoning for this is from my experience and probably most others is that if and when your wife ever agrees to give it a try, she won't be turned off by the smells from some devices or be concerned about the health of your parts from pain, sores or bruises. I made the mistake of buying the CB6000 and only wearing it for short stints before my wife took the keys. I lasted 24/7 in the device for a couple of days before I had to ask her for the keys back because of the pain in the back of my scrotum. When I took the device off my wife saw the raw skin there. This almost ended my chastity lifestyle right there and then. > You didn't explain what you discussed with your wife so it is difficult to give advice but I will try anyway. My wife was and still is, very conservative in many ways. This is kind of a shocker to most women. You have to make it all about her as it should be. The sexual fantasy has to stay in your head at least in the beginning. I was very open with my wife on many fronts but kept the sexual part to a minimum. I let her know how much I enjoyed sex with her but there were times that I still masturbate and felt very guilty about it. I told her that I only wanted to orgasm with her and how this could help because I would only orgasm when she wants to have sex. She would also have the freedom to be pleasured without the pressure of having to perform for me and how her pleasure gives you pleasure. It would also make me desire her more like when we first started dating Even though I appear to be a very strong male in her eyes, I have this one weakness that I want to control for the both of us and for the sake of our marriage. > If and when she allows a trial run, you have the correct device ready to go. The next part is the hardest part. Take things slow, don't make a big deal about it and do not be pushy or talk about it all the time. Let her grow into it. And most importantly, forget about the fantasy stuff and don't push it on her or get upset if things aren't meeting your fantasy level. Done right, she will come around in time. It will be so worth it. This is about the both of you, but mostly her. It's a lifestyle, not a marathon. > Here's a great quote that hopefully you can find a way to use. > "Chastity is not magic, it is not a cure all. But it can be a powerful tool to bring two people who love each other together" > Click to expand... Thanks for the advice! I think that the problem with my wife starts from the fact that she cannot understand why on earth I would want her to deny me pleasure, and that besides - I am always focused on her pleasure as it is. So, from her perspective, she cannot understand what's in it for me or her.

Common story. I am not one of the guys who believes that I want to do chastity to become a better husband. Like you, my wife thinks I love her too much. When I suggested that I do more around the house, she saw it as a threat to her domain and did not like it at all. She does not like when I am submissive outside of the bedroom. She looks towards me for protection and handling the complicated things in life and our relationship. She was raised with an old fashioned idea of marriage and she is not going to change now that she is a senior citizen, soon to be even more senior. She does play along with me though. We have done all of the common fetishes, swapping, swinging, cuckolding and three and more somes. Some we kept and others we abandoned as not being conducive to the well being of our marriage. So I have a wife open to try anything and I asked her to help me stop my masturbation problem. I explained that I often refused sex when she asked because I had just masturbated or masturbated all week. She was starting to complain about why I was not getting as hard and excited as I used to be and though it was because I did not find her attractive anymore. My masturbation explanation allayed her fears and she gave it a shot. At first we just did chastity on the honor system, with me not masturbating at all and just having an orgasm when she wanted to have sex which is about once a week. She found that she really enjoyed teasing and denying me. She would laugh at my frustration and told me that it made her feel powerful. When I eventually had my orgasm, it was like I was possessed and lifting off of the bed. I would speak in tongues and she would laugh and laugh as she kept pumping my penis. Eventually I asked if she would like to try to see what it was like with longer orgasm denial and we made a bet to see who would give in first. Loser had to do whatever the winner wanted. It was then that I showed her what a CB6000s looked like and explained how I would need it to help me not play with myself for so long. She told me to get it if I wanted to. It arrived and I put it on and she would tell me to lock myself up when she and I were not together. Over time she wanted me locked up 24/7, sometimes even during sex when she just wanted to lay back and enjoy without having to do anything to me or makes sure that I did not cum by accident. We only made it to 3 weeks the last 3 times. Twice it was my wife who wanted me to cum and once it was me wanting to. As the initial excitement wore off for both of us, it was not as much fun anymore and long term chastity had no real benefits for us. She liked me the way I was and thought that any extra attention she received by cock teasing, was not something she wanted. She wanted me to do things because I loved her, not because I was horny. A lot of guys just tell their wives about all the benefits to them when really we are the ones who benefit. It becomes work to make sure your husband is locked up, tease him all the time and all the rest that goes with being a KH. It is work for the wife contrary to what the fantasy stories on the internet say. Most women are not dying to dominate men. That should be obvious by all the men looking for dominant women online. Look, I am not going to blow smoke up your ass. Most wives are happy with us the way we are. They do not want a submissive husband. They feel validated every time you have an orgasm. Many will see your attempt to limit your orgasms as a sign that you find it difficult to reach them with her unless you play your silly game.:) All I can advise is to take it in baby steps. Find some reality based chastity articles that do not require her to turn into a dominatrix and ask her to just read them and see if it may be something to try for fun. Some women just are not going to be what you want them to be. My wife is submissive but will be dominant in bed because she knows I like it. Make a big show of it when denied and thank her for having the strength to deny you. Communicate with her so that she knows that when she makes you cum, you feel sad afterwards. When she denies you, she makes you happy and you feel better . I skipped the makes me a better husband part because she thinks I already smother her with too much love now. My wife is a rare treasure. She takes pleasure in my pleasure. She is a nurturer. My approach was to make her understand what made me happier and still she could only go 3 weeks until she had to make me have an orgasm. Take baby steps, find out what aspects of chastity your wife may like and then try it just in-between your regular sex nights. Some do it when their wives have their periods. Each women is different. I was told by a psychologist that I had a personality that enabled me to get people to do things that I wanted them to do. That made me successful at my job and in my personal life. I used this skill to help my wife understand why chastity was good for our relationship, if for no other reason that it pleased me and did not harm her. Make it a game that you both enjoy and forget all that D/s stuff for now. You can introduce it later on as I did with some corporal punishment and foot massages. Good luck.

@Alon, my wife is exactly as you describe yours. My wife was very vanilla and conservative and I was terribly nervous to tell her of my desires for chastity. Please follow the link to see how I introduced the idea to my wife, maybe it will help you too. the referenced community page I also want to add that it was important to me to introduce her to chastity in a way that helped her understand so she still understood I am still her man in every other way but that I only wanted her to control my orgasms and nothing else. Hope this helps.:)

> Alon said: > Thanks for the advice! > I think that the problem with my wife starts from the fact that she cannot understand why on earth I would want her to deny me pleasure, and that besides - I am always focused on her pleasure as it is. So, from her perspective, she cannot understand what's in it for me or her. > Click to expand... OK. Got it now. I’m going to be direct but kind, without any insult intended. Take my words at face value. How many couples do you know—co-workers, family members—who are together and seem fine on the surface? You hear them complain about each other or claim they’re happily married while knowing deep down they’re lying just to keep up appearances. For example, how many people around you have gone through a divorce? How often do men say they aren’t getting enough sex anymore because their wives lost interest? Or actual wives admit they simply don’t care for it much. It’s more common than we’d like to admit. Think about the last few times you had intercourse with your wife: did she seem truly into it, or was she doing it out of duty? How do you think that made her feel? The problem is this dynamic becomes accepted as normal. Like me and so many others in your shoes, I would exhaust myself trying to please her sexually while not knowing how to get pleasure back from her. After 20 years for us (and 30 years total), is this really acceptable love? Really? Is this true intimacy? Both sexual and non-sexual? I don’t think so. I couldn’t tolerate it in my marriage any longer. I loved her dearly, but the lack of genuine connection was wearing me down. I felt starved for closeness—not just sexually, but in everyday life too (more on that later). Oh yes, our marriage looked perfect from the outside with family and friends watching, but inside something vital was missing. I suspect this is a hidden issue in most marriages or relationships. Others might argue about how much they love each other—I believe them—but I’m willing to bet that many couples aren’t completely honest about their true happiness levels. I’ll get there... I’m not claiming that chastity, or any kink, is the ultimate cure-all for every relationship problem; that would be absurd. What I am saying is that when you open up your sexual desires to your partner and they do the same with theirs, and both of you fully accept these wants, it transforms everything in your connection. It brings a freedom most vanilla relationships never get. Most couples don’t really discuss these things openly. Many men say they can’t talk about their needs because they fear hurting their wives or seeming strange. My wife tells me the same thing happens among her friends. It’s unfortunate. If you can’t speak honestly with your lover, what is the point? Many live a vanilla life: nice house, nice cars, kids, church, PTA—all that society expects. But how many are truly happy? We know couples who have divorced or will spend their lives without reaching the sexual and intimate levels they crave. Don’t believe it? Look at forum traffic here and on porn sites; people just don’t want to admit it. Most vanilla couples would judge these places, yet many of us—including myself—have deeper connections with our partners than those judging them ever will. So let them keep their seemingly perfect lifestyles. I knew this was true for years but feared confronting it because talking to my wife meant pouring out my heart, which is terrifying when you love someone deeply. But I knew it was right. When I tried to explain, she just didn’t get it initially. I waited a while before bringing it up again so the idea could settle. Meanwhile, I bought a device and started wearing it intermittently without her noticing. I wore it most of the time for about a month until my wife noticed one day as I stepped out of the shower. It was somewhat pathetic that she hadn’t spotted it sooner since I wasn’t even hiding it much. She freaked out, asking what on earth I was wearing. I tried to explain, but she dismissed it and told me to take it off or else. I refused. Her logic: "It’s just your penis; you don’t need anything done with it there." So if I wanted to wear it, I could. The next few days were a bit tense at first. She kept checking the device on her computer history though. Eventually, after about a week, things relaxed and she asked me gently what was going on. I did my best to explain that research led me to believe this could benefit us both. I told her I felt starved for intimacy with her and missed that side of our bond. For me, it wasn’t just about sex; it was about closeness. Wearing the cage while thinking of her kept my arousal high, which made me want more time in and out of the bedroom. Real connection. I explained how she could control our sexual dynamic without worrying as much about reciprocating immediately. A man is most intimate when aroused; after an orgasm, that closeness fades. Without the cage, I’d just masturbate to relieve pressure, which kills my arousal for her. She seemed open to it but thought it was slightly odd. She admitted she had noticed me being nicer lately. That night in bed, instead of our usual quick kiss and hug before sleep, she pulled back the covers to inspect the cage closely. I got very aroused; everything was bulging out, my balls turning blue and swollen. She asked if I could still feel anything when cumming, and I said no. She worried about the color change in my testicles, so I explained that’s normal during arousal—they return to their natural tone when relaxed. We went to sleep but stayed awake for a while longer, throbbing with anticipation. A few nights later, she asked for the keys. Handing them over, she said nothing else. Our bond has deepened like never before as she slowly opened her heart and shared her true desires. The journey since then has been wonderful.