Journals and blogs discussion

I reckon I’ll spend some time bridging the gaps on my blog.

It’s only been a few days since I joined this community, but I’ve been part of BDSM for almost twenty years now.

So, I might have to share with you all how I reached where I am today.

Whether it turns out interesting or not remains to be seen. My life has certainly become more fascinating, both mentally and sexually, since I took those first cautious steps toward discovering if the fantasies I’d always held would prove as satisfying in real life.

I’m not sure why my past included two fairly conventional marriages. Sometimes, when I look back, it feels like a stranger was living inside me then. My first marriage was a mistake made in youth. The second one was happy—very happy, well, except that he had quite a dominant streak; really uncompromising—and somehow, despite loving him deeply, the sex never matched what I’d hoped for. Still, he supported me when I admitted to my secret reading of BDSM erotic fiction and even encouraged me to find myself a sub. That was back in 1996, an era when the internet felt brand new to me.

Welcome to the Mansion @Kasaru and well done for choosing the right forum for your blog.:) Since subklik stepped away, we’ve been missing our office girl.

So, there I was in 1996. With my husband’s blessing at the time, I dove into BDSM both for play and socializing within the growing scene. I felt like a child in a candy store. All through adulthood, I’d known that I liked holding authority over men; I had sadistic pleasures and enjoyed controlling their sexual experiences. Within two years, I started exploring the UK BDSM scene by joining Informed Consent (IC), which is now gone, and visiting local meetings of the Cambridge Leather Rose Society—a kind of proto-munch—held in a pub near where I lived. The people at LRS were a mix. Some were warm and friendly, while others seemed to believe female dominants weren’t ‘real’ dominants unless they wore all sorts of fetish gear to be taken seriously. Early on, I knew leather, latex/rubber, or PVC wasn’t really my thing. I didn’t enjoy dressing up just for the sake of pleasure. Being dominant came naturally to me; wearing specific clothes never seemed to enhance my own enjoyment or sense of self much. Some of the ‘Old Guard’ dismissed this attitude, even though in the UK we hadn’t shared that same tradition or development of BDSM. I chatted with sub men online and at LRS meetings, realizing I was deeply into D/s, specifically as Dominant. I played with several subs and had fun. I grew fond of some but never felt deep intimacy. After all, I was married and out for enjoyment. Only about six months into the scene did I decide to pursue domination professionally. It seemed the safest route: meeting subs and having fun without risking emotional entanglement. My husband was incredibly encouraging, even designing my first website for me, so I began running professional sessions. In this role, I made it clear I wouldn’t be dressing up in leather, rubber, or PVC, and I stated my hard limits openly to ensure honesty with prospective fee-paying subs. I did this part-time at a low key pace for about a year. Then, because my husband wanted to take up work in a city he’d lived in briefly as a child but had many connections with, we moved across the country to another provincial town, somewhat similar to Cambridge.

The Oxford years (2000–2007) were incredibly busy. Never had busier times in my professional domination career. I worked full-time, seeing two subs per day on weekdays, often booked weeks ahead. It was fun but exhausting. I think if you give a lot during those kinds of sessions, you can feel very drained—a kind of elated exhaustion that gave me huge highs and immense pleasure, yet it was draining. I had to ensure no pressure forced me to see more subs than I could enjoy. In 2002, I met two special men: Paul and M. Both remain my subs despite my retirement a couple of years ago. Paul eventually became my partner, now husband and 24/7 sub. M is still my sub; we meet when possible, even though he lives far from my current home. Back to Oxford... it was a period where I honed myself as a dominant. I experimented with various forms of BDSM and discovered that at the end of it all, I genuinely only love what I started loving: mainly D/s, strict sexual control, CP, CBT, anal, bondage, some mild humiliation (only with M), nipple play, and electrics. I had a modestly sized but well-organized playroom—an estate agent might call it bijou—but it contained everything I needed plus a huge variety of toys. My subs said they were drawn to me because my style was different: calm, quiet, dressed in normal clothes, making the experience feel more natural, like being with a wife or girlfriend. That’s likely my preferred style. I’m fine at roleplay but get most out of play when I’m just myself. I laughed during those crazy-busy years when people had previously said I’d never succeed if I refused to ‘dress up’ and rejected stereotypical Dominatrix activities. They were wrong. Sub men come in all guises; not everyone wanted what was traditionally served as female domination. Those who came to see me appreciated my quirky approach, and many remained loyal subs for over a decade. When I left Oxford for pastures new, moving in with Paul into our first (and only) 24/7 D/s relationship, we went to a different area and lifestyle, marking the start of the slow winding down of my professional domination, though I didn’t realize it then.

Now it’s mid-2007. You find me at a point in the story where I probably should have stopped professional domination. After all, I was living with Paul in 24/7 D/s bliss and it would have been a good time to stop and try something new. However, we bought a large house with a big, promising outdoor building just thirty miles from London. This decision meant I was destined to continue PDing; the outbuilding was perfect for running sessions: 18 feet by 15 feet, double-glazed, heated, now fully fitted as a kinky playroom—the best space I’d ever had. Meanwhile, Paul and I settled into our relationship. Although we’d been Dominant and sub for over four years, being together as a couple in a 24/7 D/s dynamic was new. We worked out the basic ground rules early on. Paul was used to my authority, but living together constantly meant ensuring mutual enjoyment and commitment. I’ve always had a particular fondness for sexual control. I dislike it when male partners have any sexual freedom. I only get excited and aroused when I’m in charge of sex and everything attached to it. Paul lived under strict sexual control using various plastic CB devices. I think we ended up with one of every kind produced. Our favorite was the first, the CB2000: a small restrictive cage with nicely open bars for optimal cleanliness. We always bought genuine CB devices because my experience with some PD subs taught me not to fall for cheap rip-offs. Paul wore his CB2000 whenever he wasn’t with me. I don’t mean changing into it if stepping out of the room, but if he left the house without me, device on. Paul has never been allowed to masturbate. I want control over his cock and all his sexual pleasures; he is never permitted to touch himself sexually. I love touching and teasing him. It’s a real thrill for me to have men bubbling with desire but forbidden from satisfying it. The power rush I get from keeping men frustrated is intensely exciting. I also want my subs to be sexually dependent on me. I choose when they orgasm. It should always be my choice, my right to do as I wish. Sexually, they are my toys, playthings used for my pleasure and erotic arousal. From mid-2007 until February 2010, we lived happily in our house with the wonderful playroom. We spent spare time and money renovating mostly ourselves, picking up DIY skills constantly, enjoying the process—until a sad event forced us to move back to my hometown where I’d grown up before leaving 25 years prior. My Dad died late in 2009, making it clear we needed to move to Norfolk to be near my widowed mother. Paul left his thirty-year job, and we moved into a rented farmhouse outside my home town, trying to sort out our next steps. Since getting together with Paul in 2007, we had moved three times already, and would move once more. Still, even back in Norfolk, I continued PDing but knew soon it would end. I became increasingly inflexible about what I’d do, selecting subs based on compatibility with the real me—those who would be happy being dominated exactly my way: style, method, etc. I saw fewer subs for sure but enjoyed sessions more. I met K, a very nice man; we still have D/s today alongside M and Paul. Paul and I house-hunted again. One place stood head and shoulders above the rest in town—on the same road as my Mother’s home, about half a mile away. We bought it, thankfully settling here for now. This brings me up to date. I have finished PDing. I keep K and M as subs. K visits often despite his work taking him abroad for weeks at a time; M visits when he can given the distance and his cripplingly painful back condition over recent years. All my boys know each other well, no jealousy arising because they all feel special to me—though Paul is primary, the only one I have sex with and kiss. My other two are under my complete sexual control and submit in some life areas too, although I don’t hold overall authority as I do with Paul.

There’s a lot of pure fiction written on this site, so it’s refreshing to read these honest posts.

> windrush said: > There is a great deal of complete fiction written on this website, so it is a breath of fresh air to read these truthful posts. > Click to expand... Well, I see no point in fabricating my blog. I can write fiction but promise always to say if that’s the case:-)

In fact, your posts are purrfect on a site with far too many "catty" remarks!