Female led relationships discussion

My life. My men. My choices. **Journal Entry **| 12 Comments · 2 Love It | 2 months ago I’ve been doing some thinking about the men in my life and the decisions I made. The first true love turned out to be physically abusive. I blamed myself, reasoning that if I had driven him to that violence, the next day would have been full of regret but also lots of love and attention. The second was a good husband and father, though over time our hearts drifted apart. I always felt I fell short of his standards, and his poor communication skills left me feeling lonely and unloved. The third brought a whirlwind romance where I lost my head and heart, truly believing he was my soul mate. I did everything to please him: supported him while he tried (and failed) to start his own business, catered to all his fantasies, and thought we’d be together forever. He still doesn’t have that business and has (seemingly) left the dark fetish world to become a normal vanilla boyfriend. Shame he didn’t decide this when I was six months pregnant with our child. His fantasies pushed me toward number four. The fourth never really got a chance. I felt rejected again by a man who spent his days at home staring at a computer screen, encouraging me to keep partying and looking for that “special man.” Everything suggested he wasn’t right for me, but he made me feel good, adored me, and made me feel special. You can’t choose who you fall in love with. I wanted to be with him forever, knowing that if we had a child, I’d always have part of him even if he left. The third wasn’t 100% happy with my choice of partner for his fantasies, but what could I do? We were in love, yet I still loved the fourth. At the time, I was convinced number four would leave me and that three and I would settle down, marry, and be together forever. After all, we were soul mates and best friends. When our beautiful baby boy arrived, things went from bad to worse. Three knew how to look after me and took control of everything. Four felt pushed out from day one. I was too drained to cope, constantly trying to put out fires between them while pleasing both and caring for a newborn. I threw money at three and tried to create a happy home for four. Neither worked. I suffered severe postnatal depression (PND) and felt like a failure. I partied hard, usually at home with my well-stocked bar, becoming more confused and depressed. Four was getting pushier about having three move out. I drank more to escape the pain of my mistakes but remained sure my intentions were good. I constantly questioned who I was. I felt like a fraud. I wasn’t the proper mummy and partner four wanted, nor the proper mistress that three wanted. Who on earth was I? Three moved out with our son. It will take me a long time to forgive either of them for abandoning me with someone who had become controlling and abusive. The control continued, and my confusion about identity persisted. Three met a proud housewife and mother and decided he wanted a mistress. Four met a mistress and seemed to want a proud housewife and mother instead. I felt abandoned. Lonely. I kept mostly to myself; female friendships have always been a struggle for me. Things spiraled lower until the day I finally called my Health Visitor, pouring out how I was feeling. Then I practically begged my social worker for help. He sat by while I called the police and had four taken away. It broke my heart, but I didn’t know what else to do. Three had moved on and fallen in love with another woman. Something he decided to tell me via text message after a ten-year relationship, despite taking me out for dinner, sending romantic messages, and seemingly trying to woo me back. I finally realized we weren’t soul mates or best friends; he wasn’t coming back to rescue me. I felt conned. On April 19th, 2015, I thought my life was over. I was alone and broken, doubting whether I would survive. I hadn’t been single since I was fifteen. That realization encouraged me. I decided to make the most of this new opportunity and take charge of my life. It happened so quickly. I cried for three days mourning the loss of three. Within a week, I was over him: losing weight, feeling great, and starting to date again. Surely it should take longer to recover from a ten-year relationship with your soul mate and best friend? Again, I felt conned. I have continued dating but still categorize myself as single. However, there is one man in my life who still loves and adores me. He respects my space and gives me time to do what I need to do. I feel like I know more about who I am now. I tried vanilla… it’s not for me. I tried being a brazen, slutty single woman… the novelty wore off pretty fast. Now I find myself wanting to date less and spend more time with him. I see the man I fell in love with before we all messed ourselves over, torn apart by a fantasy gone too far. I am a strong woman who enjoys life as a mistress and works as a Dominatrix. I still want what I’ve always wanted: my happy ever after. And maybe a farm with no dirt and no animals. Three refuses to talk to me anymore. I remained friendly and financially supportive until I was pushed out of my daughter’s birthday celebrations, along with her two sisters and baby brother. Since then, I see little point in investing time in that relationship in any form. Four and I will always be connected in some way for the sake of our precious baby boy. I wish I could have truly seen how three and four felt about me over that last year. To three, I was a cash machine and fulfiller of fantasies. Four was fighting for his life—for a life with the woman he loved and their son. I’m not sure where I go from here. Would I ever really want to let another man into my life? Or should I look at what is actually in front of me? The chance to build a future, our own businesses, a family, and a happy home with someone who understands who I am and what my goals are? I’ve already lived half my life in a dazed and confused state. This time alone has allowed me to find who I am and make decisions around that, rather than making choices only to please others while damaging my well-being and sense of self. Onwards and upwards.

I’m sorry to read such a sad story; there seem to be plenty of casualties from your life. I hope you can slow down and start enjoying life rather than always looking for someone else to enjoy it with.

@Mistress Watchful Phew, While reading this post, I was overcome by a mixture of emotions: going from anger at all the injustice done to you up to feeling so powerless that I couldn’t help or give advice that would do you any good. One of those feelings is certainly great appreciation for your openness with us, your CM family. I truly hope this openness helps bring some order to your mind and maybe brings in some good, well-meant **mistress** advice from other members. All I can wish is that you manage to set your priorities straight regarding your most important achievements (children, your own business, etc.) and that based on the strengths poured out by these achievements, you will be able to move forward. For what it’s worth: taking some time to think everything over, making a list of what you are proud of and what is not so proud (and would like not to repeat), could be a start toward a better future. When the right man or woman crosses your path, you will know. They encourage you to be yourself and support you in achieving your goals through open communication. They do not make you feel that your happiness depends on them; instead, they see it as you making them happy just by being who you are. Every relationship needs both partners to add a little water to their wine, but this only works when you both have your own personal wine to start with. Sometimes you have to stop looking in order to find what you need. I wish you all the best and strength to achieve your goals! With warm regards, Felix

Thank you Felix. This was written two months ago, and I’m already in a much better place. Probably the best place I’ve ever been. I decided to post this here today because it’s all part of My journey, and I have a feeling that I will be traveling a new but somewhat familiar path very soon.:)

Thank you for giving us this inside view on your life. You’ve been a huge presence here even in your absence, so it’s nice to have this context with which to view the history of both this site and your relationship with Pet. I must say that I don’t find your post sad in any way. It is very human and full of hope—both positive attributes. I do hope you’ll continue staying a member and contributing to CM. You seem to be one of those people who, when they do something, are fully committed: balls out, full on with it. Many of us (myself included) don’t seem able to give ourselves the same degree of freedom to be ourselves as you do, and I love reading your posts because of that. We’re all searching for inner peace in some way or other—and I very much hope you manage to find yours.