Chastity and orgasm denial discussion

I’m a recent addition to this forum and will update my bio in due course. I had a private chat with another member who offered some excellent advice, recommending that I bring the issue here for input. It’s quite lengthy and complex, so I’ll be copying and pasting directly from our messages. Any feedback or suggestions would be warmly welcomed. To reiterate, I am very new to this scene and have only just begun exploring it. Thanks in advance.

Just four months ago, I was completely unaware that any of this existed; I was strictly vanilla. Lol. Then I met my current boyfriend. A few weeks back, he brought up some BDSM concepts, including chastity devices. After doing some research, I decided to give it a go. However, I feel like things may have escalated too quickly for us. We spent considerable time discussing the idea and how we both wanted to try it. Last weekend, I was away from home from Wednesday through Sunday. During that time, he called to inform me that he had ordered the device we had selected. He then added that he would no longer orgasm without my permission, wanting me to feel secure in knowing his pleasure comes from me. This really turned me on, especially since the device hadn’t even shipped yet. I didn’t ask him for this; he said it because he wanted me to be the one in control (usually, I’m more submissive due to past abusive relationships). All of this is kind of breaking me out of my shell in a positive way.

He kept his word: over the rest of the weekend, he touched himself but did not cum.

This week, we continued our research and discussions. Honestly, it’s mostly him talking non-stop about it lately. I know we are both excited, but he is also trying to incorporate some CBT into the mix, which is new for me as well. It has been a bit overwhelming, so I told him we need to slow down and ease in; after all, hopefully, we have our whole lives ahead of us.

It seemed like he was going back and forth on me. He wanted me to lock him up and deny him, but perhaps we should start by using the device merely as a plaything. I started feeling confused and unsure about where we stood with everything.

Then, on Wednesday, I stumbled upon ruined orgasms. This turned me on immensely. I showed him the video and said I wanted to give it a try (needless to say, he has gotten off every night since Sunday). That evening, we tried it; he was completely shocked that it worked because he didn’t think it would. So, I ruined his orgasm about three times before letting him cum. Yesterday morning, he woke me up before work and said, “I told you that you were in control of my orgasms, but I want you to know I touched myself and had a ruined orgasm without cumin.” Everything was fine.

We texted a few times during the day; I told him I couldn’t wait for him to get home so we could play more.

When he got home from work, we showered together. Then I sat on the couch to smoke a cigarette. My phone buzzed with a text, which I answered while showing him a photo on Facebook as I was smoking (probably within ten minutes). From there, things went downhill. I thought everything was fine, but then he started getting snappy. We began arguing, and it wasn’t until much later that I found out he was mad because we hadn’t jumped straight into play. He said we should abandon the whole concept of orgasm denial and ruined orgasms because they were the cause of the fight. I feel so confused now.

He brings up these concepts, then takes them away. I didn’t ask for this; it’s what he wanted. And to be perfectly honest, I haven’t even really denied him anything yet—maybe for an hour or so. But he says he wants me to do this, and now suddenly he doesn’t.

So maybe it was just too much too fast? Any ideas on how we might slow things down? Is it common for him to fantasize about it and then, as is happening now, try to come to terms with the reality of it? Like an inner struggle?

@rosesaregray welcome to the Mansion. I fear your so-called subbie is controlling you. Being new to all his fantasies will be astonishing if you are new to this way of life. Males have a tendency to rush you into their fantasies with little consideration for you, if you let them. Put your foot down and tell him that you are in charge. If he truly likes being controlled, he will welcome your decision; if not, then forget it.

Hi rosesaregrey. From my male perspective, it's easy to have the fantasy, but in reality, life is not a fantasy—pretty obvious I know. He has likely read up on this topic, but in practice, things work differently. When I am locked and now find myself in day 13 of having no idea what’s happening, certainly at first all I want to do is get out and cum. It takes time for the real effects of chastity to set in for me (and us). I would not give up over one hiccup because there are likely many more. However, you should sit down and establish expectations regarding both sex and lifestyle changes you may desire. I spent several months working on this with my wife, and we are still striving to achieve what are now truly her goals. We are developing an FLR marriage, so it has to be that way; not all chastity play is like this. The more you talk, discuss, and agree upon your goals, the greater your chance of success. Remember, men are from Mars and women are from Venus; we are put together very differently, especially regarding our kinks. It sounds like you have great potential for mutual pleasure, but it rarely happens overnight. For example, it takes me weeks to break in a new device so I can wear it for long periods (more than just a couple of days). This can be fairly painful; indeed, even when broken in, devices can pinch and irritate. If this is going to be a longer-term thing with him potentially going through longer periods for your mutual pleasure, then there will be some learning involved in living with the cage. For him, if you deny him for a while—say from a couple of weeks to several months—then when he finally comes, it will be memorable if you do it together. But being kept chaste for more than a day or so takes effort, much of which involves agreeing on the terms of his lockup. For instance, typically I would be locked for about a week, then we had a three-month lockdown to ensure we both meant what we agreed upon. Now, it is at Miss's whim; I may be unlocked in five minutes or still be locked next year—it depends on her, and that is what we agreed. It always has to be mutual. I have never encountered a device I could not get out of with fairly basic hand tools, although there might be some exceptions. If he wants out, he can get out; the stories of being locked and unable ever to escape are really just stories. Those of us who are locked are almost all willing participants aiming to improve our relationships and mutual pleasure. Well, that's my two cents worth. I wish you all the best, but you must talk.

I have read some of Mistress Ivey's books, and one valid point she makes is that men are happier when they do not cum. A ruined orgasm does not release the endorphins (or similar chemicals) that can cause some men to become easily irritated. I would recommend you both research together and create a contract spelling out exactly what you will or won't do. My Darling is not nearly as irritable as he used to be. He has only been 13 days without cumming and is currently on his longest time being locked simultaneously. Remember to talk, talk, talk about what you both expect, and if he wants you in charge, then he should follow your lead.