Introductions discussion

Hi there, I’m Speedy. I could use some advice on easing into BDSM. Let me give you a bit of background on myself and my marriage with my husband. I’m 45, he’s 53. We’ve been together for 23 years, have two kids who are now 18 and 20 (the youngest just moved out three days ago), so I’m dealing with severe empty nest syndrome. My husband can’t work due to health issues, while I work five days a week without a fixed schedule. I’ve been battling pre-menopausal symptoms for about two years. Sex is the last thing on my mind these days, though some medication helps boost my libido occasionally. My husband has plenty of free time and watches too much porn, dwelling on the fact that I don’t give him enough sexual attention.

I hesitate to dive headfirst into heavy BDSM because I feel it shouldn’t dominate our lives entirely. Perhaps I’m worried I won’t measure up since he’s always required some form of bondage during sex. My life is complicated right now and my thoughts are racing, but the core issue is this: my libido has dropped significantly while his remains high. He has suffered from erectile dysfunction for ten years; we’ve tried everything from Viagra to injections that I administer him, with little success. I suspect his frequent use of various penile and testicular harness devices over the years might be a factor, though he only developed ED in the last decade or so. While he can satisfy me, finding it hard to reach climax myself is new for me because my mind never seems to stop (it’s always on).

I just needed to get this off my chest. Any wisdom would be appreciated—if I’m asking the wrong person, please let me know! Hope I’m not wasting your time here; thanks for letting me send you a private message.

Hope to hear from you soon, Speedy

Hello Ms. Speedy, I’m not certain if this will be useful, but here goes. I believe I’ve spoken with your husband before because his situation sounds very similar to ours. Since I am male, I can’t offer much regarding menopause specifically; my ex-partner went through it for years and experienced extreme mood swings—sometimes incredibly horny, other times not at all. I do think that when you have sex, ensure you are satisfied first because we men lose interest quite rapidly after climaxing (guilty as charged!). However, I believe your primary issue is stress from work, kids, and the usual daily grind. Mistress Watchful has written a wonderful journal entry that covers many of these same points; it’s worth reading since she has experienced much of this herself, particularly how stress and depression can be debilitating. This may not seem like much help right now, but you are certainly not alone here! It is a great place to vent and gather advice. Good luck and best wishes to both of you.:mad0218:

Hi Speedy, I’m another male contributor here, but I have a few questions and ideas. First off, it’s really great that you’re engaged enough to come here seeking guidance. My wife and I are in a similarly chaotic dynamic, although my ED is not an issue. You’re asking about D/s dynamics; your husband enjoys **bondage**, and perhaps Cock & Ball torture (yummy!... sorry!), and you’ve joined the community. What brought you here? Has he shown interest in **chastity** devices? I’m not doubting our welcome, but I am curious because if he has ED, a chastity device might seem somewhat redundant!;-) Regarding D/s: if he is interested and you are keen on "helping him," I have some suggestions. As susie noted, it seems like you lead an incredibly stressful life, compounded by these sexual issues. Here’s a scenario that could help relieve stress while giving him a touch of D/s dynamic: Approach your husband next weekend and suggest trying out D/s. If he agrees to submit for the coming week, he will stop browsing porn online and keep his hands off himself. That upcoming weekend is devoted entirely to pleasing you. For the rest of this current week, he should act as if we just met—taking you to dinner, bringing flowers, flirting effectively. On Friday and Saturday evenings, take him out on formal dates; when you return home, assert further control by treating him like your **slave**. Within his physical capabilities (considering his health), have him work for you: serving drinks and snacks, giving foot massages, running a hot bath, etc. There is no guarantee of sex at the end of the weekend. However, if he has relaxed you enough to get you in the mood, then PERHAPS something will happen. Shift the burden onto him to relax *you* and remove your stressors, rather than you exerting extra effort trying to help *him*. If he is truly **submissive**, a week of such service and flirting could be more effective than many purple pills. At the very least, it should alleviate some of your stress. This approach might work for you two or not; I think we just need to flip the problem around slightly. New Dommes often get incredibly stressed because they take on even more responsibility already heavy loads. If you choose this path, find ways to reduce your own stress while practicing dominance. Best of luck, and please keep us updated! mikecb

Hi Ms. Speedy! I assume your husband is interested in **chastity**? After all, you are asking about it here. > I guess I dont want to rush into b&d heavely cause I dont think it should be a major part of our life. > Click to expand... I can only speak from my own relationship. We are roughly the same age as you have been for a couple of years now, with my wife being the "**dominant**" one in the marriage. Of course, she isn’t 100% **submissive**-free all the time; she has her job and gets tired like everyone else. Daily life requires attention. I can say that since we started this lifestyle, our bond is stronger. We actually share more of those normal daily activities—shopping, seeing friends, fishing, holiday trips... just like most couples do. People see my wife as a soft, warm, caring woman; she is lightyears away from the stereotypical Domina image. I think she is even happier than I am, which is natural for this dynamic. Regarding your husband's ED: I found that my own erections improved significantly since my wife became the boss and decides when I earn the right... strange as it may seem! I can also assure you her sex drive has increased dramatically. I have to please *her* first until SHE decides she wants me inside HER, whenever that moment arrives. It appears mikecb has already offered good advice since I began writing this. My suggestion: take it easy and enjoy the process. Play around and have fun. Another piece of advice: we are not overly serious; we joke and laugh often. I think humor helps reduce stress considerably. Good luck!

Welcome! I don't usually dispense advice because I am still relatively new to this myself and we are currently navigating a more challenging period in our **chastity** play after starting well. However, it certainly sounds like there is potential for both of you here. If he has been exploring the types of things you described, chastity concepts likely sit alongside his other fantasies. Secondly, if you can redirect him away from porn and toward thinking about *you*, that must be beneficial. Even if **chastity** doesn't fully cure his ED (and there is a possibility it might—a good keyholder is surely better than any internet site), you should regain control of your life and receive some spoiling in return. I say go for it—really surprise him with what you are willing to wear and do. That seems to be what they crave, and I see little downside for you; neither of you seems truly happy with the status quo right now. It could work beautifully for you. If it doesn't, can you really fall much further than where you feel you are? If it does succeed, it might transform your life—I was amazed at how fulfilling the keyholder/mistress role became when we began. Good Luck!

If I may add a bit... First, what wonderful advice from Mistress Kate, mikecb, and sophia. As a sissymaid myself, I can’t quite explain how beautiful it feels to serve **Mistress** Michelle even though I cannot do it full-time (I wish!). The time I get is thrilling for me. (I’m getting slightly off-topic here.) What I am trying to say is: please take advantage of this situation and put it in your favor. I believe he will love it, and I am sure you would enjoy the pampering. Case in point: **Mistress** has had to carry most of the load herself due to her pet’s illness. Helping her was such a great relief for me as well; I feel I may have been born to serve... through little things like getting the morning paper, fetching dad his coffee and juice, and naturally doing chores around the house. Let your husband take charge in taking care of *you*, and I think everything will fall into place for you both.:whipbang::chores001: