Introductions discussion

Hi there! I’m sharing an introduction along with some background on my relationship with my husband. My goal is to receive specific advice and support as we navigate the transition from D/s to MC, particularly regarding me moving from a submissive role to becoming his keyholder. Sorry if this isn’t in the right section. Thanks to anyone who takes the time to read through.

My husband and I connected online back in late 2005 on . Back then, it was an excellent platform for meeting people for No Strings Attached fun, allowing you to find exactly whom you were seeking with precision. I have always been quite submissive, both sexually and socially, which my profile reflected. However, I had specific criteria for a Dom: he needed employment, his own vehicle, and must be taller than me. That was the complete list!

It sounds straightforward enough, but at nearly 6’2”, not as many men qualified as you might expect. Yet, one remarkably articulate note arrived from an enigmatic older gentleman. The rest is familiar storybook history. We met in person after months of intense online correspondence in January 2006. He was bossy, demanding, smart, and attractive… plus he had the car, job, and height (just barely). Hooray! I found everything I wanted.

Unfortunately, he already had a wife and two children. They were separated but living in different countries. He was determined to do whatever it took to make it work for their kids’ sake. It became apparent that I was a welcome distraction during a challenging period of his life. He mentioned his wife was stubborn and resistant when it came to submission issues, complicated further by the fact she was also his maternal cousin.

Fast forward 11 years and skip over all the drama with Wife No.1. We married in 2010. Our daily lives have been a D/s dynamic closely aligned with Taken in Hand principles. We both adhere to traditional gender roles: the wife manages the home while raising children, and the husband ventures out into the world to provide. I always felt this arrangement suited us perfectly. With no baggage (arguments were quickly resolved by him spanking me—regardless of who was at fault—we could calmly discuss matters), we enjoyed a vibrant sex life from day one as swingers. We loved BDSM evenings alone or with others, and I worked as an online “model” for regulars. We traveled globally to visit sex clubs and had plenty of fun.

Then, four years ago, we welcomed our child into the world. The result? A total transformation in me. My brain literally rewired itself. Sex dropped down the priority list; it wasn’t even at the top if I had some spare time alone. This was both mental and physical (I gained 70 pounds during pregnancy and have only lost 50 since). It wasn’t just parenting fatigue, though. I became a different woman while my husband remained exactly as he was.

What a cruel twist of nature! I always dreamed of motherhood, but in helping me achieve that dream, my husband seemed to lose the wife he loved. Years passed and we struggled to find common ground again. There were many arguments, mostly making me feel guilty for being so content with vanilla mom life (“We used to…”, “You wore this before…”). I lost interest in other partners somewhat. We still had adventures (meeting single men online or picking up guys at bars; occasionally seeing an old boyfriend), but the change was evident. My husband didn’t like it much. My submissive, service-oriented mind shifted focus toward our son and his upbringing, which negatively impacted our D/s bond.

Amidst this struggle, about three years ago, my husband proposed MC. I was surprised and slightly frightened by the whole concept. He purchased several devices to test them out and gave back some personal power to me. For instance, I could suddenly drink wine, eat food, or use the toilet without asking permission. It was a strange time! I found it hard to adjust and didn’t fully “get” it initially. He said he was turning my sexual disinterest into a kink.

Then we attended Kink Fest (our first since our son’s birth), during which my husband fell quite ill. The cage came off and was stored away without any discussion at all—a bit bizarre! We returned to standard D/s… I felt frustrated and confused because he never mentioned it again or brought up the topic once more. That entire phase lasted roughly two months.

In 2015, he met a younger woman online (familiar scenario?) and began an affair behind my back. Upon discovering this, I tried to be supportive of them continuing their connection since I realized how unhappy he was becoming. But the damage had been done; because of all the hurt caused by their relationship, I could never truly accept her. We also explored polyamory with my best friend, which ultimately ended disastrously due to her inability or unwillingness to put in the effort. (Side note: Generally, I don’t believe monogamy works based on experience.)

Here we are today: Two months ago, I traveled for a friend’s bachelorette weekend. That evening after I left, my husband texted saying he should probably lock himself up in the CB6000 while I was away. A long pause ensued… Huh? You must be joking! This again!

Needless to say, I was doubtful. The last time we ventured down this MC path, it felt confusing and jarring. It was hard to believe he wanted to try again so soon. However, this attempt feels different. He has become gentler and more attentive. He is more present for our son now. He does housework without being asked! The closest I’ve seen him act like this was during my pregnancy (he treated me like royalty). Having such a doting husband has been fantastic. Yes, it’s just like the early days of courting. I love it. So, what’s the issue?

Here are my main concerns:

1. I am a submissive by nature; that is who I am. A significant incident occurred when I was quite young—an older man raped me—and sadly, I believe this shaped the woman I am today. For over 25 years, I have lived submissively. Suddenly being pushed to the other side leaves me reeling. I feel like I’m having an “If I’m not a sub then who am I?” moment and lack someone to talk it through with.

2. My apprehension stems from our previous attempt where he suddenly backed out. We’ve discussed this, and while I understand his reasoning, that incident still looms large for me. If it was so easy for him to withdraw last time, could he do the same again?

3. Currently, we lack a quick way to resolve arguments. When he held charge previously, spanking served as punctuation marks during our disputes. This new dynamic makes me very anxious when disagreements arise. Since the cage went on this round, I believe we’ve had three fights. Usually, we can talk things out and return to normal, but the other night sparked quite a row. I felt completely off my rails, unsure how to act or what to say. It was confusing and frightening. It made me miss the simplicity of our D/s relationship. I wonder if I’m ready for “punishing” him (see issue 1). Is spanking him my only real option? (I’ve read many threads on this; most suggestions don’t quite feel like true punishment.)

4. I am not a feminist. I do not view the sexes as equal. Men possess certain powers that women lack, and vice versa. There is nothing wrong with this inequality in my eyes. I’m not claiming women are weak; they are strong in ways men can barely imagine (I gave birth to our son naturally—a feat I am proud to say even my husband couldn’t have managed). Yet, we are different creatures. It seems reasonable to live a life that lets you showcase your strengths. I feel more at home in a 1950s household setup.

I’m not sure if a woman—particularly one who is naturally submissive—can take the lead in a relationship. Is this trait innate, or can it grow over time?

I would really like to hear from other women who have gone through the transition from being a long-term 24/7 sub to becoming a keyholder. If there are any existing threads on this topic, please point me toward them. I spent quite some time lurking before finally deciding to join in, but it feels like I’ve only just begun exploring this wonderful site. Thanks for your support! Merci! Xoxo

I would recommend that you read How to set up an FLR by Ivey Green. She has gone from being the s to the D in a D/s marriage and often describes how and why she and her husband went through such a transition. The book has helped my Wife take control in our marriage and helped me with the difficulties such a journey brings. I was the one who initiated this change but it still hasn't been easy to accept at times, and takes effort on both of our parts. Your own journey already sounds incredible. To go from being so overtly sexual to almost not wanting sex at all is usually discussed more from the perspective of the man usurped by a child, so to hear your angle is fascinating. It sounds like your husband has found something that he wants to try to get back a spark in your relationship that he misses. All I can say about my own experiences is that my Wife was going off sex due to in part to her age but mostly due to my attitudes. Male chastity and the move to an FLR has utterly changed that and brought us much closer together.

Thank you so much for the recommendation. I'll download the book today! I appreciate it. xo