Chastity and orgasm denial discussion

Back when we were residing in NYC, there was a common joke about disliking the light at the end of the tunnel because it meant New Jersey.:) Ironically, we eventually moved to NJ and settled in four different cities there for most of our lives. It is similar to how we approached chastity. I perceived the light as something positive but initially viewed it as negative. Now that we have reached that light after four years of the journey, we are both at peace and comfortable with long-term denial. The overwhelming sexual desire is gone, and my wife no longer feels any guilt. We have both grown to appreciate our specific roles within our dynamic.

The path was long, with starts, stops, and a few bumps. We simply kept driving and adjusted our course as we went. There is hope even if your wife or keyholder is as submissive as mine. To be clear, she is still not in charge of the marriage, but she has claimed the bedroom as her exclusive territory. She has absolute control over our sex life, and orgasms are reserved for her alone, except for three times a year, perhaps even fewer. She enjoys knowing she can make my penis twitch with just a kiss or a glimpse of cleavage. I am not my usual alpha self at home anymore; I save that for the outside world. We are in a good place, though it took more than four years to get here.

Along the way, we evaluated what worked and what didn’t. We tweaked, added, and removed elements as we progressed. I became accustomed to having fewer orgasms each year as my wife’s guilt over denying me faded. My jailbird cage device became as comfortable to wear as my wedding ring. It is only noticeable when I think about it. Chastity has become integral to our marriage. It is our sex life. What seemed like it might not last ended up lasting longer than anticipated. We stepped away from chastity a few brief times, but always missed it and returned to the “dark side.”

I wanted to let newcomers know that chastity can work well if you avoid living it as someone else’s fantasy version, as seen in porn or websites that suggest you should be a slave to your keyholder rather than sharing the experience together, with each partner getting what they want. Women do not turn into dominatrices overnight or even within a month or more. It takes time, so take baby steps and understand that your wife cannot fundamentally change who she is. At best, she can play a role, as my wife does. We also slip in and out of those roles when we are in the mood. After 47 years as a fetishist, I have learned to live my fetish so that it fits into my real life, rather than trying to change who I am to accommodate it. I am a very alpha male, a combat vet, have 20 people working under me, am very aggressive and competitive, a product of classes for gifted children, and a take-charge kind of guy. I am not going to genuinely let anyone dominate me or pretend I am inferior outside of the sexual arena.

Newcomers should also know that while being denied orgasms is exciting in your mind, living without orgasm is not that easy. It is like when I had BDSM fantasies of all sorts of tortures that excited me, but in real life, it was so painful that I could not endure it for long. We have hormones that urge us to have orgasms, and they build up every day for about two weeks until they level off. In our fantasies, we do not feel that genetic urge to reproduce, which is very strong since it is the reason we are all here. We are messing with our most forceful genetic programming. It is not as easy as it appears in our fantasies. Just be prepared for the reality and take baby steps. You can make it if you do it slowly and have realistic expectations.

We all want what we do. No one is forced. As a sexual submissive for decades, I know that I am in charge. I set the limits, I permit whatever is being done to me, and I can stop it at any time. I am locked up and not given orgasms, and yet I can escape and give myself an orgasm at any time I want. I do not fool myself into thinking that I am locked up against my will or that I can do nothing about it. I can do plenty, but I choose not to. Chastity has worked for us so long because both my wife and I want it. We work together to keep me orgasm-free. It is a joint effort toward the same goal. We are also practical about it. If we make it so inconvenient or painful that one of us does not enjoy it, it ceases to be fun for both of us, so why play? Locked or not, I can still be chaste or know that my wife is in control of my penis and orgasms.

Make chastity easy for your keyholder, or she will view it as a chore. Always remember that while we are aware of our chastity every minute we are locked up, our keyholder/wife is not. She thinks about it only when you have sex. You need to not annoy her with lots of talk about chastity. You do not really need to hand her a contract that reads like a user manual where she has to memorize and do all sorts of things that you list because you want her to do them. Contracts are sexually arousing to write. I have written a few myself. While they may make a good starting point, ultimately they become confining and take control away from your keyholder. The contract becomes the control, not your keyholder. Games to determine your orgasm denial period are okay at the beginning to alleviate the guilt of a keyholder who loves you. They are just following the rules of a game, and it is not them wanting to deny you, simply the roll of the dice or spin of the wheel. Eventually, they will feel that they are not in control of your penis at all, that the game is, and will want to determine what happens rather than letting the game decide. That is when the real fun starts, and she begins to accept her new role.

I think it is best to just have no rules but one: my wife makes the rules, does not have to tell me what they are, and can change them at any time without prior notice. In effect, she does what she wants to do. If she wants to punish you, she can. If she does not feel like it, she does not have to. That was a key turning point in our relationship. She does not have to be my warden watching over me 24/7, worried about whether I am trying to escape or playing with myself. What was once a chore for her is now something that she controls, not limited to the roll of the dice or some written ersatz contract. No more games to determine when she must let me orgasm. No more constantly changing rules every week until we were never on the same page anymore. Most of all, we are not boxed in by any rulebook or contract. We can change things daily if we wish. That does not mean we do not discuss what we both like about chastity and how we want to do it. We do not do what the other does not like to do, so we communicate our likes and go from there without writing them down. Our chastity play is dynamic and not a scripted version that we read about online simply because we masturbated to it.

I have found that rules never work out in the long run as they limit you. I suggest that you set up a safeword so that all else can be disregarded, but when you use your safe word, she knows you are serious and in real distress. It allows you to beg to orgasm or say whatever you like. I also take comfort and feel safe because no matter what my orgasm denial period is, my wife will give me an orgasm if she feels that I am in physical or mental distress. She loves me after all, and gets no pleasure in doing things to me that I do not want to be done. Communicate. Set aside 15 minutes a week to discuss what works and does not work. Like marriage, it is a compromise of the wants and needs of two people, but in the end, we always consider the other’s wants and needs in everything we do; at least if you want to stay married for a long time.:)

We have seen the light and went to it. It took my wife several years to become a good keyholder, not a great one, because she lacks imagi

nation. She leans more toward acting than writing, and since that aspect isn’t changing, we adapt to the reality rather than the ideal. Don’t forget that this is fundamentally a sexual game. Our biological drive for sex exists to ensure procreation and the survival of our species. Any other motivations are unrelated to that genetic imperative. In contrast to much of the animal world, we utilize sex for social interaction and leisure. Leave the scenarios involving permanent locks and lifelong denial to those who prefer fantasy roleplay. Most of these scenarios are simply the desires of men navigating their sexual lives digitally. Avoid falling in love with that fantasy, as it will only lead to disappointment. My last piece of advice is to avoid overwhelming your KH with multiple kinks simultaneously. For most people, just being a KH is challenging enough without also expecting her to be your Mistress, a cuckoldress, or fill any other role. Those additional elements can be introduced later. Alternatively, you can establish the other dynamics first and, once they are comfortable, bring in chastity. We began with simple teasing and denial based on trust. The cage only entered the picture after my wife wanted to extend my period of orgasm denial, and I agreed to it with her approval. Don’t acquire a chastity device and assume you can wear it for days immediately. You need to wear it for short periods daily until your skin adjusts. Proceed gradually, or you will experience pain after a few days and lose the desire to continue. Taking baby steps and maintaining a realistic perspective on your chastity journey will help you reach that light at the end of the tunnel, or in our situation, the end of the cage. I have been involved in this for a long time, predating the internet era when a 300 baud modem and a Sex BBS were considered cutting-edge. Most people who try a fetish abandon it after a brief period. I recall an interview with the marketing manager of the company that produces CB devices. He estimated that 90% of the men who purchase his product put it away once the initial thrill fades. Judging by the number of men I used to discuss BDSM and chastity with who later vanished, I believe that estimate is accurate. Look at some posts from new members here. Some are genuine, while others read like someone describing a fantasy just to enjoy the act of writing it. Approach chastity with clear eyes and do it your way, even if that means being locked up only until your next regular sexual encounter. Live your fantasy in reality, not in someone else’s, and you will maintain interest longer than most. Enjoy.