Journals and blogs discussion

I figured I’d kick off one of these journal threads so I have something more lasting than the posts over in The Tower. This will be my spot to catalog thoughts, experiences, and fantasies within a community of like-minded people. It’s going to stay fairly free-form, with me posting at somewhat random intervals. Please feel free to comment with your own stories, advice, or thoughts!:) I’ve had a long journey finding a cage that actually works for me. I don’t think my anatomy is naturally suited to being locked up. I recently got my Jailbird resized, and while it’s not quite perfect yet, it’s finally reached the point where I feel genuinely comfortable without having my own key on standby. The secret seemed to be keeping it as short as possible. Right now, my cage sits 5/8” shorter than my shortest flaccid length. As time goes by, I think I’ll go even shorter. I’d love to reach a point where the cage is a full inch shorter than my flaccid length. I really like how my cock looks in it now. Previously, there used to be some room to move around inside. Now, when I’m fully flaccid, I’m just barely touching every part of the walls, and at the slightest hint of an erection, I’m already pressing firmly against the bars.:) Today marks the first time ever that I have no access to a key. My KH took them along with her to work. There is one backup hidden somewhere in the house, but everything feels much more… real now. Before, even though I wouldn’t cheat, knowing I could unlock at any moment made the whole concept of being in chastity feel artificial. Now that I know I can’t, I am so excited. I’ve been getting random (attempted) erections all day—something I haven’t experienced since my teenage years. My current goal is to be able to stay locked 24/7. I’m still working on being comfortable sleeping in the device. For now, my KH has agreed that she’ll let me take off the cage for sleep. It’s a bit disappointing to have to do this, but she is very encouraging and assures me we will work together until it doesn’t need to come off anymore. If I’m being honest, I really want her to force me to wear it no matter what. I know this isn’t realistic or healthy—it should remain a fantasy—but if she came to me tonight and said we’re going to solder the cage shut, I don’t think I could say no. There are conflicting feelings here. On one hand, I want her to be an aggressive and malicious Domme. I want her not to care (and probably enjoy) how much pain she causes me. For her to go out and have sex with other people without asking permission, then come home and tell me about it. On the other hand, I know that isn’t sustainable long-term; I want those things delivered in a gentle, loving, yet firm way. To not be merely “her little bitch,” but rather her submissive, so we can explore ourselves and grow together. We’re both exploring what we want from this relationship dynamic, but I think we’ve done well so far. She has always been dominant over me. This caused some trouble early in our relationship, and several times we almost broke up. After about a year, I had a serious talk with her about what she was doing and how it affected me. She genuinely didn’t realize the extent of her actions and backed off. We’ve been together for another 7 years since then, learning to introduce her dominance into our relationship in a healthy, supportive way rather than a manipulative or destructive one. We started dating in our late teens and have both grown significantly since then. I think she has an inherent need to dominate, which has made her very successful at work. However, channeling that into a healthy relationship dynamic was a challenge. I now know she cares deeply for me, and although we’ve had ups and downs, I think we’re finally reaching a place where we are both happy and having our needs met. Frankly, sex has never been fantastic between us. I think we’ve stayed together this long because outside of the bedroom, we are best friends. I couldn’t ask for someone better to spend my life with. I often hear about people who have bad relationships but great sex; we ended up on the opposite side of that spectrum, but inserting a healthy D/s dynamic seems to be helping a lot. In the short term, aside from 24-hour lockups, my biggest goal in being in chastity is getting back into shape. When we first started dating, I was 17 or 18 and very trim. She used to enjoy dressing me in girls’ clothes, which remains one of my biggest fetishes. However, when college hit, it came like a brick wall. Academics, quick and easy meals, and drinking pushed exercise aside. I never became fat in the true sense, but I certainly lost that trimness along with her desire for me to crossdress. We are honest with each other, especially when it hurts, and she has a hard time being attracted to me when I’m not in good shape. I commend her for sticking it out through all of college while I promised every year to do something about my weight, only quitting after a month of intermittent gym visits. If I could lose about 10 pounds, I’d be at a point where I’d consider myself good-looking again. Lose 15 and I’d probably be pretty trim. I’m going to sound weak-willed here, but this is quite difficult for me. It’s hard for me to eat a salad when I know that as a cook I could whip up an entire batch of French beef stew—something people would pay $30 for as an entree. But that’s life; at some point you have to accept you can’t eat like you did when you were 18.:P I’ve at least started drinking significantly less. So, there are a few sacrifices to make, but I think that’s fine. Making these sacrifices will allow me to truly explore my submissive side. And oh, how I want to explore it. I’ve shared some of these fantasies (and parts of others) with my KH, but I have many more now that I’m locked up again. I’d love to only experience caged releases. Perhaps once a month I could put on my full sissy maid outfit, be bound to our bed and gagged. My KH would peg me, and I’d have to signal if I felt close. If she was feeling generous, she might allow me to cum in the cage onto a little mirror, which I’d then be made to lick clean. These are just fantasies, though; here goes my rant!:) Anyway, I think that covers everything for now. This was a helpful exercise in articulating some of my thoughts and feelings. If you read the whole thing, thank you for showing interest and taking the time to read about my experiences! Again, please feel free to reply with any feedback, encouragement, thoughts, advice, or just to say hello.:)

For context here, we have two safewords: yellow and red. Yellow means you're near my limit but can keep going. Red means you've just gone past my limit; continue the activity, but not with that same intensity. Red Stop means you went past my limit and I want to end our session. We had our first D/s play session in a while last night. My KH dressed herself in her mistress' outfit and had me strip. She bound me and used various impact toys on my ass and thighs, all while I was caged. I'm still working on finding the right fit for the cage, so it was very uncomfortable to wear throughout the session, but I managed. She went until I called out red, at which point she decided I'd had enough and untied me to watch as she used a vibrator wand to bring herself to a strong orgasm. I loved every second of it. One thing I genuinely don't enjoy is that she has the classic man's problem of getting tired after an orgasm. She'll occasionally have a second, but this is pretty rare. So, after I'd been beaten with my cock straining for half an hour and watched her finish herself off, she was now basically focused only on falling asleep. She handed me my key and mumbled that I'm allowed to take the cage off now (we are still working toward overnight wear). So I did and came back to bed. At this point, what I really *want* is some aftercare and some teasing. Both of these feel like they stem from selfish desires, but at the same time, they are things I truly want. I've been caged for 10 days now, yet there hasn't really been any tease aspect to it. I don't expect an orgasm, but it's nice to have my cock paid attention to in some way. However, I feel she doesn't fully understand the tease aspect that I desire from this dynamic. Yes, my cock is caged and no, I'm not allowed orgasms, but that doesn't mean you can forget I have a penis. You have to take it out and use it every now and then. I'm conflicted here as well because while I want to please her and be denied myself, I also want to be teased and edged. I worry that I might be rushing things though, and perhaps I should introduce these elements slowly rather than inundating her with "I want you to do X, Y, Z". Right now, I'm lying in bed next to her at full erection involuntarily. I wanted her to tease me but didn't just want to tell her, "Hey, stroke my cock until I almost come a few times and then tell me it's time to calm down and go to sleep." So I said, "I really need an orgasm." She asked what would happen if I didn't, and I jokingly replied that I'd go insane or have an accident. So she offered to blow me. In my current state, I am absolutely not going to turn that down. It's of course what I wanted in the immediate sense, but I was also disappointed she gave in so easily. It was easily one of the best blowjobs I've ever had. After 10 days without any stimulation to my erect cock, I was extremely sensitive. I came in less than a few minutes, though she knows that's normal for me when it has been a while since I last came. I loved having an orgasm but felt somewhat disappointed as well. The sexual high of denial vanished, replaced by a sort of fuzzy happiness which honestly wasn't quite as good. So, I don't know. We're heading in the right direction with our D/s relationship, but it feels like we are drunkenly stumbling there rather than walking smoothly. I can't tell if I'm being ungrateful or unreasonable, or just an impatient asshole. From all my reading about chastity, I know there's a classic trope (at least in relationships between men and women) of the male part wanting everything to shift into his perfect fantasy overnight, while the female part gets overwhelmed because she doesn't understand what is being asked of her—or even if she does, how to do it. At any rate, I think I'll try to communicate some of my feelings to her tonight. And I hope to get input from her side regarding what she wants and how she's feeling. I'll be reasonable and try not to overwhelm her with details and specifics. It seems that She and I are excellent communicators in every aspect of life except sex. Anyway, back to day 1 orgasm-wise.