Chastity and orgasm denial discussion

To begin with, I’m seeking some “out of scene” advice and reflections. TLDR – Has anyone noticed that chastity combined with orgasm denial causes a gradual emotional detachment from your partner? It creates a sense of distance between you two due to the sub’s own self-worth or esteem issues? The longer version: I am nearly 40 now, emerging from a 14-year marriage where we were poly (though it was called open when we started) and kinky right from the start. I have been into chastity and orgasm denial since my early teens after discovering Altarboy’s website. When we got together, I was only 21 to her 30, and this was my first relationship. I made my kinks known immediately, and she responded very well. Over time, she slowly embraced her inner “Domme.” While I have owned nearly every device available, it has been difficult for me to stay locked up long-term because I am quite small; being a grower rather than a shower means most devices do not fit perfectly. One day I will write more about my experiences with chastity and cuckolding in detail. However, the aspect I want to discuss here is intimacy. When we first started exploring kink together, it was wonderful. She loved it, we were into each other, and I had a great time. What I didn’t realize at the time was that as years passed, her focus shifted increasingly toward me—my locked-up dick, my chastity, my T&D, etc. This worked fine for the first few years, but as she gained experience with Femdom dynamics, she decided the focus wasn’t right (looking back, it makes perfect sense). We swung to the other extreme: everything became about her, and my needs as her slave were deemed irrelevant. Naturally, that also didn’t sustain well. As time went on, she began pursuing cuckolding (with strong encouragement from me), which was incredibly hot and exciting. She loved tormenting me over it—it felt like a scene from one of those chastity fiction stories here at CM. But the same pattern repeated, just faster. Soon, she no longer felt the focus was sufficiently on her; when it was, my interests and feelings were often excluded. Eventually, due to various vanilla issues, our marriage dissolved, and we parted ways a few years ago. Since then, I have undergone extensive therapy with sex-positive therapists, looking inwardly. I found that many parts of me didn’t feel “good enough,” carrying core feelings of low self-worth and esteem. This led me to re-evaluate my past relationship differently. One thing my wife cited was a lack of intimacy contributing to the breakup. My denial kept escalating: first just denying orgasms, then PIV, then since I became a cuckold, not allowing sexual touch without permission, only letting her go down on me after she had been with another lover, rolling dice to prevent oral sex for weeks or months, stopping me from seeing her naked, and finally sleeping in separate rooms. It was this slow but steady progression that created significant distance and reduced intimacy over about 18 years (though as we removed certain elements like PIV, the list of “deniable” things shortened, making each cycle feel worse). Reflecting on it with my recent therapy insights, it seems some or all of this was a way to create distance—a buffer because I didn’t truly feel worthy being with her. Now that I am slowly considering dating again, I wonder if I should go kinky or vanilla. Many say once you are kinky, regardless of how you became so, it carves a groove in you and is hard to change. But after all the therapy, I worry that going kinky might repeat the same path: chastity leading to one form of denial after another, eventually causing emotional distance and poisoning the relationship. Yet this kink remains hardwired; if I want a fun, sexy time alone, my fantasies always head there. I recall our early years when it “seemed” we were both equally excited about kinky stuff and power dynamics, very mutual and intimate—the mental aspect was engaging and interactive/intellectual. But now I am quite gun-shy about entering what could be a self-destructive path. So I want to gauge opinions here on CM among like-minded people who share this kink. Has anyone else experienced similar issues? Had comparable thoughts/concerns? Was it simply not the right match? This was really my only real relationship, so I have no other baseline for comparison. We had a friend, an older and very experienced ProDomme, once say that “You can never have a serious D/s relationship with someone you love.” Essentially meaning there cannot be a romantic element to maintain a proper, satisfying D/s dynamic. Should I seek a vanilla partner open to my pursuing a D/s relationship? I would really appreciate your thoughts. The CM community has come such a long way, and I have seen so many intelligent, well-considered threads lately. Thanks, JoeCool722