Journals and blogs discussion

I was just checking my FetLife profile and stumbled upon some of my old posts, which led me to discover the CM haven. Here is one I shared before. Looking back, I feel we have made significant progress over the past six months. The title of that post was Patience. Writing this now, I find my patience stretched thinner than I ever imagined possible for a child! I am new to this Dominance and submission dynamic. In my everyday life, these roles exist but are rarely spoken about. I desire to be submissive, yet it seems the men in both worlds focus mostly on themselves, leaving me to steer their lives as well as mine. There is another important relationship in my life—one that has been clearly defined as taking precedence. I believed this was understood. However, a sort of tantrum erupted because her Domme supposedly wasn’t spending enough time with her! I have carved out time for her, and during the upcoming holiday we plan to spend together under Jessica’s guise (to keep her happy), but she has been nothing but disappointing or disrespectful lately. It feels like my kindness is being rewarded with bad behavior. Last night, after repeatedly ignoring me, Jessica received a punishment of 100 lines copying ‘I must listen to mistress’. She finished it an hour and a half later. This happened because, despite receiving clear instructions, she decided to do something different on her own, thinking it would please me. As you know, this did not please me at all. She insists that things be explained explicitly through direct instruction so she avoids disappointing me. The task was simple: follow the given directions. She failed. I realize we are both learning. However, I feel like I might be failing or lacking the strength to handle a submissive who refuses to obey. Am I missing something? Have I been too easygoing and not punished enough for blatant disregard of rules? As part of her ongoing punishment, since I am absolutely tired of hearing/seeing ‘sorry’, I have decreed that each time she says/writes it, an extra day will be added. My reasoning is simple: if you hear or see something too often, it loses its meaning. We are now on day six in chastity. While the little bitch whimpering like a wounded creature gives me great pleasure, I am unsure if this denial is having the intended effect. I am trying my hardest to remain strong and tough, but when every moment feels like a battle, what is the point? Only time will tell. Tired & frustrated LP