Journals and blogs discussion

My partner and I have been in a chastity arrangement for nearly twelve months, though it’s hardly been genuine. When he gets horned off, he masturbates either inside the cage or by popping out of it himself—something he claimed was impossible, yet he did it! The first few months were wonderful; we had an equal balance of giving and taking. But then, because I enjoyed our intimate sessions, he stopped helping with household chores. He ceased doing anything for me except sexually speaking, claiming he got just as much out of the arrangement as I did, so why should I bear more responsibility? At first, I loved his attention to our daily lives! However, if I’d edge him and lock him back up, I’d wake up to find him jerking off right beside me. He would swear it wouldn’t happen again, only for it to do so repeatedly! Then porn became the problem. We were watching together, and I was learning new things… But then I’d dress up nicely, and he couldn’t put down his phone, constantly searching for the perfect video. When I spent an hour getting ready and looked absolutely stunning, yet he just wanted to stare at screens, it killed my mood completely. He promised to stop, only to forget and ask for porn right at the start of a session—another turn-off. Finally, when I declared that I didn’t want any more porn because it frustrated me so much, he swore again that he would stop looking… even though he wouldn’t log onto this forum. But he was on Tumblr! He claimed he never clicked on anything there, just scrolled by passively. Yet another lie. And once again, I woke up to him masturbating because he hadn’t released the night before. Trust was nearly gone. I don’t see why we are doing chastity if he isn’t truly committed. Plus, it seems like he only wants to engage when it suits his fantasy (always topping from the bottom). Whatever I do, he’ll say, “You know how you could improve that?” or point out what someone else does differently and tell me to watch a specific video. Another turn-off! I loved where this started; it was about us both learning together, with me discovering my dominant side. But then he dove headfirst into the lifestyle, consuming every bit of content related to our world and telling me exactly how things should be done… Turn off again. Tonight felt like the final straw. Browsing YouTube, I found a bunch of compilations featuring other women, along with various dominance clips. Granted, these models aren’t naked or having sex, but he swore he hadn’t looked at anything pornographic except for stuff his work friends showed him—and yet, according to the timestamps, he was viewing them right before we had intercourse! I understand men are visual creatures… but really? Why lie?! I’m exhausted by his focus on sexual gratification. It’s not even about earning it through effort. He suggested maybe he’d try harder if I asked him to wear a butt plug while doing the dishes, which seems unnecessary to me—why make it a condition? Just do it! And whenever there is any conflict in our life, unrelated to sex, he either cuts the lock on his cage or demands the key back. He hasn’t worn his cage for nearly a month now, claiming I need to push him more. But when I tell him to wear it, he “forgets.” Initially, I felt relieved; he seemed more loving and helpful, and things were good for a few months. Then I began feeling like merely an object in his fantasy. He actually admitted that quickies before work bore him. So now, every session feels competitive, with me worrying about being boring. Between the distrust from his lies and the sting of his blunt honesty, I’m just done. I’ve been trying different approaches but feel there’s no return on my investment… if I didn’t enjoy the sex during sessions, would I still receive that special attention? He keeps blaming his new schedule, yet he stays up late to ensure a session happens. But he is too tired for anything else. Also, he constantly mentions bringing other people into our bed or attending fetish parties (he rarely goes to music concerts due to crowds, but I’ve pointed out that fetish events are crowded too). I’m not interested in that direction; it feels like our crossroads. I don’t believe I can fulfill his desires anymore… I just need to vent because I am tired of the lying, then fighting, and subsequent guilt trips. It’s not just the porn causing issues; it is the excessive time he dedicates to this sexual kink life that magnifies only the kink itself while ignoring everything else. This is destroying my confidence, which had built up nicely… Every lie, every instance of catching him sneaking out or jerking off in his cage erodes trust and really angers me. We spent so much money on something he doesn’t seem to value. What’s the point?! Grrr! I haven’t been active here for ages because he gets mad when I’m online while claiming he is “behaving well” and not looking at such things, only for us to discover it was a lie—he just uses different websites… I don’t want to ruin myself. If I stay and he continues blatantly lying, that will happen. I refuse to be slowly destroyed. It’s too much already! I’ll leave him to find someone willing to cuckold him, sleep with multiple partners, or go on sex retreats—I won’t do those things. And I won’t tolerate lies anymore… God, it feels good to say this!

I imagine it must feel relieving to get that off your chest. No use keeping it bottled up!:) I hope @Madamebellestoy reads this and considers what you truly need. Good luck on your chastity journey, should it continue. Perhaps one day everything will align perfectly for both of you!:)