Introductions discussion

I wanted to introduce myself since I’ve been lurking for a long time, learning the ropes, but my current life is quite messy.

Heads up: I can be pretty direct and might come across as rude even though that’s not what I mean. The main thing you should know about me is some gender dysphoria.

Starting with the basics: I’m 43 now, a masculine male who has felt transgender for longer than he remembers knowing his biological sex.

Professionally, things are going well; I work in IT as an officer at a large firm. It’s steady but unremarkable.

I have a partner and her daughter in my life, though they haven’t been very supportive or helpful most of the time… And I struggle to find moments during the day to browse online forums like this one. For context, the stepdaughter is 23 years old. The woman has known about my quirks for over ten years now, even before she moved in with me.

To get back to it: I’ve been fascinated by the idea of a shemale (using that term on purpose here) since puberty started. I used to sneak into mom’s wardrobe when possible, dreaming of growing a softer chest so I could fit in with the girls. But because I’m also attracted to women, keeping my male anatomy would be ideal…

But life shifts, doesn’t it?

I recently discovered chastity and have experimented on my own. My partner isn’t keen on crossdressing, being locked up, cuckolding, or even sex in general. She’s not cold-blooded; she just… lacks enthusiasm. It’s more of a ‘do it quickly and firmly’ attitude.

My softer side prefers foreplay and craves emotional connection…

After 13 years dealing with mental health struggles, there’s also this urge to escape.

I share all that so you can understand the context: She isn’t strictly Dominant. More accurately, she is a domineering female.

Today marked the first time I went to bed wearing my device. Today was actually the day…

For the first time ever, I truly felt Gender Dysphoria. My male parts were much more noticeable than usual, except for that testicle injury from grade school.

Sorry if that’s a lot of detail.

It makes me think though. I already knew I had dysphoria. You can’t have shoulders stuck in doorframes without having issues. Or look in the mirror and see an unfamiliar face… You just learn to ignore it, not really seeing yourself, and carry on.

But I wonder if things would change with a real playmate? That’s what she proposed initially: a no-strings summer of fun. Then disaster after disaster struck, and here we are thirteen years later. Since she discarded my hormones, our finances have become somewhat linked. (Boston is pricey; I could leave them to suffer or do the honorable thing. But I’m finished with that approach. My sense of right shouldn’t cost me personally; I am not a masochist.)

So now I’m building a foundation… We’re moving out of our cramped apartment into somewhere where we won’t be tripping over each other; I’ve started a diet and exercise routine to stop looking like a hibernating bear; I ordered an IPL laser for hair reduction; and I’m gradually downsizing my possessions until I eventually leave. She can handle her own affairs since she is grown, as is the girl.

Yet I feel like an unowned Submissive, juggling every small task alone, and the job is STRESSFUL beyond belief. There’s no time to exercise after work before cooking; you can’t workout right after eating either. By the time I’m free for a session, it’s bedtime, and 6 AM arrives EARLY for someone who already dreads mornings AND has to be at work by 8, yet doesn’t fall asleep until 11 or midnight on good nights. (For instance, I haven’t washed the dishes today so they’ll wait till tomorrow. Floors only get vacuumed if I do them myself. We can’t both occupy the kitchen simultaneously, so I cook. The bathroom hasn’t been cleaned in months. You get the picture.)

There was a quote from “Violent Acres,” an early blog site, where the author remembered her grandmother’s advice: “Maybe you aren’t depressed; your life just sucks.”

That feels like exactly where I am now. I want to regain my footing, and I hope I can contribute some posts occasionally, learn more about chastity, perhaps resolve things by chatting with everyone here. Maybe even find some friends…

It seems unlikely in Boston, which is ironic for such a Blue townstate. -Dianna