Chastity and orgasm denial discussion

For over three years now, I’ve been certain that my wife and I should explore a life of chastity together. Between the CB 2000 and the Birdlocked devices in my collection, I wear them daily but have yet to find the nerve to bring it up with her.

I signed on here yesterday and haven’t stopped reading since. Looking at other members’ posts, it feels like so many are truly content with their partners, which is exactly what I’m hoping for Brian and his wife.

Last night, I mailed her a letter (while I was away for work), sending a scanned, signed copy to her email. It doesn’t outright confess my need for chastity, but it gently introduces the concept.

I suppose that’s fine since she already had physical proof of the idea in hand. She’s clever; I think she’ll connect the dots. Hell, she might even purchase a device before I return home. But this is as honest an approach as I can manage. The real challenge will be Friday night when I walk through the door and have to explain what I mean by “I’m going to need your help with this.”

Thanks for any thoughts you share. -Brian

First off, kudos on having the guts to write such an open and honest letter to your wife. Secondly, great job bringing this discussion here! We’ve all walked that path. I cannot recommend this book enough: It is exceptionally well-written, presenting everything in clear terms without ever feeling "kinky," "dirty," or "seedy." It strikes a perfect balance. This site will also provide all the help and support you need (I’ve found it invaluable), so just post your questions—we are all here! Welcome to the madhouse!

Agreed! Congratulations.

Awww... reading that felt like getting a glimpse into your soul. Very nice. Welcome, my dear friend. I think you’re going to fit right in here. Now, swap out that blue box for your avatar and pick something that truly reflects who you are. K? Take care:)

Goddess Jen, Rest assured that once I’ve discussed this with my wife, I’ll be much more open about sharing pictures of myself. Who knows... if things go well tomorrow, maybe I will just send her a private message to you!:) -Brian

**A warm welcome from me and what a admirable introduction to yourself. I felt very much the same way. I'm relatively new to the "out" chastity lifestyle. Although my wife and I have enjoyed a lovely, healthy sex life since we married ten years ago, I had loved the CB concept long before I even met her. I love my wife deeply and really wanted her to know that I was willing to give her the "keys" to my ultimate pleasure. I worried for years about telling her my "wish for chastity." Eventually (for Christmas 2009), I bought a device and showed it to her. She was quite upset that I had: 1) gone behind her back purchasing a CB6000 2) not discussed the idea with her beforehand. However, she was surprisingly touched and very excited by it (after we talked more in-depth). This is shifting us toward a slightly different "tack" compared to how our bedroom life used to be. The most important thing for me is that although I am naturally [a little] submissive, I remain a real man. My wife knows I will do anything she wants—or doesn't want—me to do in order to make her happy. Whether that means wearing the device between "adventures," during them, all the time, or not at all, I’m happy to comply. I wish you BOTH well! I very much hope she understands your letter and isn’t intimidated by your newfound desire to declare your undying love.**

Thank you for the nice reply. I think my number one priority when we talk is letting her know that it’s okay if she isn’t interested, and that I love her regardlessly (which I do, very much). But I also hope that even if this specific kink isn't quite right for us, it will be an eye-opener and help us find the perfect one.

Brian, I hope your wife receives your note in the spirit of love with which it was sent. Best of luck to you! mikecb

Good luck and thumbs up! I hope everything goes well!

Well.. She read the letter. She had a really tough day, and even when we talked via email and phone, she didn’t bring up the topic directly. Then tonight, as she was going to sleep, she said that the letter was really deep, that she wanted to talk about it but lacked the energy. She told me she really liked the letter, and then she said thank you... Needless to say, I gauged this as a positive response. It took everything in me not to just blurt out.. "hey.. wanna lock me up in chastity for the rest of our life".. but I didn’t feel it was the right moment;) -Brian

> ChasteBrian66 said: > Needless to say I gauged this as a positive response. It took everything in me not to just say.. "hey.. wanna lock me up in chastity for the rest of our life".. but I didnt feel it was the right moment;) > Click to expand... Good move! lol mikecb

> ChasteBrian66 said: > Well.. She read the letter. She had a really tough day, and even when we talked via email and phone, she didn’t bring up the topic directly. Then tonight, as she was going to sleep, she said that the letter was really deep, that she wanted to talk about it but lacked the energy. She told me she really liked the letter, and then she said thank you... > Needless to say, I gauged this as a positive response. It took everything in me not to just blurt out.. "hey.. wanna lock me up in chastity for the rest of our life".. but I didn’t feel it was the right moment;) > -Brian > Click to expand... :manga_champers: OK, it might be early, but I think this is a huge step in the right direction!! Keep us posted on updates, Brian:)

**keep the faith** I whole-heartedly agree with an earlier poster who recommended the book *Male Chastity: A Keyholder's Guide*. I gave that same book to my wife after springing enforced chastity on her. She liked it, understood it, and read it twice while taking notes. I wish you the best of luck and hope your wife is as cool as mine.

Thanks for the advice

Hey... Thanks to everyone for the advice. LockedandLoaded and Keptforher... thanks for the recommendation. I am ordering that book tonight. I’m not sure if I’ll be writing much more here, because I’d like to keep this particular conversation with my wife very private. It was probably one of our most honest conversations ever. She wasn’t freaked out by what I said; she was an incredible listener, thoughtful and insightful. Then she told me that I could masturbate tonight (I purposefully haven’t touched myself in over a week). And then she teased me a bit about letting her boss me around. I may end up living the motto above: "careful what you wish for"... Oh yeah.. we are definitely trying this. I am just as happy as I can possibly be right now. -Brian

My wife was very much the same. Although I openly came out with the whole chastity idea, I didn't force it on her; she actually came around to it after about three months once she realized the benefits for herself. Take it slow, don’t push her, and be honest. She will better understand what you want and won’t feel pressured. Good luck

> ChasteBrian66 said: > Hey... Thanks to everyone for the advice. > > LockedandLoaded and Keptforher... thanks for the recommendation. I am ordering that book tonight. > > I’m not sure if I’ll be writing much more here, because I’d like to keep this particular conversation with my wife very private. It was probably one of our most honest conversations ever. > She wasn’t freaked out by what I said; she was an incredible listener, thoughtful and insightful. > Then she told me that I could masturbate tonight (I purposefully haven’t touched myself in over a week). And then she teased me a bit about letting her boss me around. > > I may end up living the motto above: "careful what you wish for"... > Oh yeah.. we are definitely trying this. > I am just as happy as I can possibly be right now. > -Brian > Click to expand... How are things going, Brian?:)

Well, it’s been an interesting week so far. After our conversation on Friday, I would say my wife was a bit apprehensive. We talked about it, and I told her that I had already purchased a Birdlocked (a fact she didn’t mind at all). She definitely agreed to try it because she loves me; even though it seemed a little weird for her initially, she wanted us both to be happy. The weekend was really busy with lots of social engagements, so we didn't have much time for exploring our new arrangement (in addition, the "peg"/locking hole for the Birdlock broke after just one week of wear; they are sending me a few free replacements and straps). However, I kept myself locked up and refused to masturbate until she and I talked about it some more. On Sunday night we had a long conversation while lying in bed. I had sent her certain web pages (Tickleberry and some of Mistress Sara's articles on Friday night), but she hadn’t had the chance to read them yet. She was also very sore because Saturday’s social activities included some serious physical exertion. I offered her a massage, heat pads, anything she wanted. She said she didn’t want a massage right then because she was too tired and sore for sex. So... I had another conversation with her about chastity. I was kind of nervous the first time around, and I’m sure she was a bit shocked initially. So I explained that the act of me giving her a massage has nothing to do with sex; it could end up being sexual if she wants it to be. But for me, it would be an incredible turn-on just rubbing her naked body and trying to make her feel better. The tease of seeing her completely naked while I rub her legs—but not allowed to lick her or make love to her—would be a huge turn-on for me. That specific tease is part of what makes the lifestyle so appealing to me. Her Response: "Wow... I really need to read those web pages you sent me.. sorry I haven’t done that already" (On a side note, I also ordered *The Keyholder's Guide* book; it should be here tomorrow). So we talked some more. She told me I was a really good hubbie this week and had taken care of the kids while she laid around all day feeling sore (along with just about everything else in the house). I don’t mind doing this, as she was clearly in pain. When we were done talking, she said "come here," and as I got close, she gave me a really deep, sexy kiss. In the past, I wasn't a huge "kissing" fan, but after just two days in chastity, it felt INCREDIBLE. It was electric. I was raging against the Birdlock immediately. She then patted me on the cage (she was surprised to find out I had been wearing one since she still hadn’t seen it) and said goodnight (the girls pick up on things fast). She still hasn't seen the actual Birdlocked, which I think is good because I don’t want her to see the device until she can actually lock it. Regardless, I can see how something like this can really bring back romance in a relationship. I have always loved my wife and miss her when we are away, but this feels different. Just cuddling with her and touching her arm has taken on whole new meaning. The fact that she was willing to try this also showed me how much she loves me. The way she seems to be embracing it bit by bit shows me that I have likely chosen the exactly right partner for this game of life. -Brian

I'm glad it is going well for you. I think that once a partner actually begins to understand what chastity is about, they come around to the idea much quicker. My wife read the Tickleberry site when they first started giving advice, and there is even more content on there now. A good start to what I am sure will be an interesting year.

Clearly it would be ridiculous for me to expect her to act like a tease and denial machine on the first day, but I am starting to wonder about her. She is showing a much more dominant side—or maybe I am just now noticing it. Whatever it is, I like it... -Brian

I'm so glad to hear how well things are progressing for you. Please keep us posted on updates. Ooooo...you should start a journal in the Vault!! Or maybe blog. Either way, it would be a good place to get your thoughts and ideas out there. Happy chastity, Brian!!!

I am definitely the blogging type, and I will definitely participate going forward. Finding this board and reading it has been really the best support for actually talking to my wife about this topic. So thank you. More importantly, I was insanely jealous of what Miss Jen and her husband have together, and I WANT IT TOO (which also served as quite good motivation). So in a way, thank you to Miss Jen, and her submissive husband. By the way, I was reading some of his threads, especially the posting about heartache.. I totally agree with him.. well said. -Brian

It's really sweet of you to say that, but really...nothing to be jealous of. We have our moments, trust me. But what we do really well is talk. We talk about anything and everything. It's super important in any marriage, but doubly so in this "lifestyle". So, keep up the great communication you’ve started. Only good things can come from it:) Take care, Brian!!

Hey, This really seems to be heading in a great direction. Thanks for sharing!

So... it's been 6 days since I told her. She started out very interested, but we have been very busy and traveling a lot. What I am wondering most is this: I sent her the following links (and I bought *A Keyholder's Guide*, which didn't arrive before we left on our trip... darn you Amazon). Anyway, she hasn’t looked at any of them. Although we’ve been busy, in the evenings we are just sitting there, and she is surfing the web and reading other things online. I have asked her from time to time if she has read those links (the ones I sent), and she always says that she forgot and was too busy.... Should I ask her to sit down and read them with me? I am being very careful not to put too much pressure on her. I want her to enjoy this, but I am worried that she is relying solely on my words. I think if she reads more about it, she might understand it better. Let's be honest: I was a bit nervous when I explained it to her, so I’m sure I wasn't as articulate as I wish I had been.

> ChasteBrian66 said: > So... it's been 6 days since I told her. She started out very interested, but we have been very busy and traveling a lot. > > What I am wondering most is this: I sent her the following links (and I bought *A Keyholder's Guide*, which didn't arrive before we left on our trip... darn you Amazon). Anyway, she hasn’t looked at any of them. Although we’ve been busy, in the evenings we are just sitting there, and she is surfing the web and reading other things online. > > I have asked her from time to time if she has read those links (the ones I sent), and she always says that she forgot and was too busy.... Should I ask her to sit down and read them with me? > > I am being very careful not to put too much pressure on her. I want her to enjoy this, but I am worried that she is relying solely on my words. I think if she reads more about it, she might understand it better. > Let's be honest: I was a bit nervous when I explained it to her, so I’m sure I wasn't as articulate as I wish I had been. > > Click to expand... I would say "steady as she goes that Cap'n!" She knows she has the links. She obviously knows that you know that she knows about the kink! I would suggest backing off now and letting her take her time. We're all the same when starting down this path; we just don't realize what a shock/change it can be for some wives. Let's be honest: We've lived with our desires for years, yet we expect them to just "jump on board" in a matter of days (or even hours!). Let time take its natural course. You'll find the dividends at the end.

I hope everything has been developing the way you wanted, Bryan.

Developing... maybe not so much considering how busy we have been. She still hasn't read any of the links I sent her. Sure enough, when we got home today, that damn book has still not arrived from Amazon.. Of course, I am going away from work for a couple of days now. Maybe the fact that both a CB6000 and the book are due to be delivered while I am gone will capture her interest? But who knows???? We shall see... For now, I am trying to be patient (hopefully this is good practice for the future). -Brian

**Do not rush things** Good Luck Brian!!! Whatever you do, DO NOT RUSH THINGS. Stephen Covey said, "Seek To Understand before being understood". The moral of the story is: what's in it for your wife? As males in chastity, we tend to want to push our agenda and focus on what WE want. I have gained more from my own experience by extolling the benefits for my wife and letting her discover her talents. By the way, we have been playing with this lifestyle since 1993, just about the time Altarboy started his first web page. Again, Good Luck!!

I totally agree. I am doing my best to be patient, and I think I might just start masturbating for the time being. Quite frankly, the more turned on I get, the less patient I become, and I feel more and more frustrated.. I mean the cat is already out of the bag; when and if she wants to lock me up, she can.. so while I am waiting for her to figure out what she wants, why not enjoy myself? It could be a while before I get to do that again? -Brian

If you feel the need to masturbate, then why not set up the scenario where she catches you in the act? There could be a couple of outcomes; she says lock up immediately, or she gets really pissed at you. For us, my wife caught me, and immediately went and got the CB, and had me put it on in front of her. It stayed for 3 weeks. Maybe this could work for you....

Totall love the idea, but I am also totally against manipulating her into this. I have done everything I can to put this out there as a possible way to enhance our relationship, improve our sex life, etcc.. I am also doing everything I can to be patient... Manipulation into this, while it could push her towards embracing the role is not how I want us to start this. I want her to start doing this out of excitement, and the thrill of "trying something new". Plus I think if started the right way, it can become a natural part of "us". -Brian

> lockednloaded said: > We're all the same when starting down this path and we just don't realise what a shock/change it can be for some wives. > Let's be honest, we've lived with the desires for years, yet we expect them to just "jump on board" in a matter of days (hours!). > Let time take it's natural course, you'll find pay dividends in the end. > Click to expand... This point from L&L'ed was overlooked and it needs to be repeated. Very, very insightful.

Jenn, I totally agree... it was definetly not overlooked. I do appreciate all the voices of experience that have spoken up to help me out.. it has been very supportive. -Brian

Don't get me wrong; I agree with what L&L is saying, and Goddess Jen is right on. Sometimes if you let nature take its path, then it just so happens to be the path you both want (or need) to go down. If she were to catch you jerking off, I can't explain the rush when it happens. I would suggest not have the mind set of "manipulation" but rather 'chance'. In our case, my wife had been lukewarm to the idea of chastity. The belt just sat in our toybox. When she caught me it was a TOTAL surprise. I'm wanking away after working on taxes for a couple of hours. It's well past midnight. My mind was racing, and needed to relax, so I figured I'd twist one out. I started to work at it, and then the lights in the room went to full. I was blinded. There she is, with her hands on her hips, "What the hell are you doing?" It took about 30 seconds for my heart to slow down, and my brain to reengage . " She was pissed. "Now I know why you've been doing when alone." She turned around and walked away, and came back 2 minutes later holding the most uncomfortable belt in our collection. Put it on now! The worst part was I hadn't orgasomed when she caught me. She kept me locked for 60 days, and teased me. Be careful for what you wish for; It may come true. Good Luck

PS- My wife reminded me it was 60 days, not 3 weeks the belt stayed on. Once you get into this lifestyle, the days just run together!!

We are still "newbies"... we shall see how things progress... Right now I am pretty happy just that she is showing intrest.

Allright.. so now I am torn.. She wants the keys to my brand spanking new CB6000S (I have worked it all out and fitted it appropriately for long term wear.. thank god for baby oil at three in the morning). She hasnt read the book, I have tried to talk to her about the committment I am making, and the committment she is making. If we werent so vanilla before this, I think I might have a been fine with this, but in this situation I am really confused. I really want to give it to her, but I feel that maybe she might be rushing into this without really understanding it. Thoughts?? Should i just give it to her? Should we have another talk? She specifically said to me this evening.. "hey where is that key you are supposed to give me.. I want it"... -Brian

Much if the intrigue is the unknown, is it not? If she wants the keys, I'd give them to her. Your SHOULD have a conversation about hygiene. You'll have to get out every few days for that. Perhaps you should just let her be in charge of it for now, and see what unfolds. If you try to micro-manage it too much, she may get nervous and not want to do it at all. Why not try things on her terms, and see where it leads? At worst, you will have to negotiate with her later. Honestly, I'd take the deal, and give he the keys in a heart beat! hehe mikecb

Give her the keys, Brian. What's the worst that could happen? OK, don't answer that. Seriously, hand her the keys. Good luck!!!

Clearly thats where I am leaning, but out of desire, and frustration.. I just wanted to make sure it didnt seem too insane (as for hygeine.. I have worn it for a week with no problems (and we have extremely high water pressure, with a hand shower over here in europe)... Enough force to get every nook and cranny.. and give yourself a little CBT if your not careful.

> ChasteBrian66 said: > and give yourself a little CBT if your not careful. > Click to expand... :haha4: