Journals and blogs discussion

The Blog I Started It just hit me that if the other website shuts down or fails to renew, my blog could disappear. That’s why it’s here now, kept safe and sound. The only thing grating on me is the lack of a clear dating system; I’m unsure exactly how much time has passed between some entries. But I know for certain that I launched this just before October ended in 2007, and it wraps up at the end of February 2008.

**Hello There!** Come into my blog... Here is a record of my life with my sub/slave/pet. This isn't fantasy; I don't apologize for not walking around all day and night in thigh-high boots holding a whip! I truly hope you find it useful, perhaps even amusing, to witness what happens within an actual D/s partnership. I’m no guru. I am new to being the Domme side of things as well as chastity, but I am here to learn from this and help others navigate my path toward a satisfying bond with my partner. Enjoy!

**Some Context...** My pet and I have always enjoyed "unconventional" sex from the very beginning of our relationship. He had only one girlfriend before me, and she was quite limited in her sexual range. I actually thank her for that. It gave me a relatively blank canvas to work with, which also encouraged his fertile imagination. He never felt he could share any of his fantasies with her, so they grew within him, and I became the safe harbor where he told me what these dreams were, allowing us to try them out!!!! I used to be submissive—or at least that’s how it seemed! Looking back now, I believe my desire to submit stemmed from a belief that I couldn't handle control; I despised feeling uncontrolled and needed someone else to *have* control. Now that I’m slightly older and wiser, I realize perhaps I was the Domme all along! Chastity wasn’t something on my radar until now; it was actually my pet who brought it up, saying he’d like to give it a shot. To surprise him this year’s Valentine's Day, I gifted him a CB3000 cage. The first present had been lubricant, followed by cotton buds, and then some female "pop socks"... I had read that these would help with fitting the device properly... When he opened the final gift and saw the shiny silver box marked with 'CB', everything clicked into place for him, and our journey began... it was meant to be a bit of fun. Recently we’ve faced significant hurdles. First off, I resisted his plea for me to step up as Domme. "I don't want a pathetic, wimpy boyfriend," I yelled at him (please no hard feelings!)....but we decided to give it a try, and surprisingly, I adore it. It feels much more *like* who I am, and this is how I wish to be 24/7. He is battling depression. I suspect it ties in with the birth of his first child (which happens to be my fourth), and we are working through that together. He has moved back home with his mother... something I initially feared greatly, but now see as benefiting me. Yesterday he started new medication, so let's see how things unfold from there. During our separation period, he constantly talks about chastity and piercing. When he returns, I am confident he will be mine, COMPLETE.

**A Day of Mixed Feelings!** I woke at 5:30am to a lovely text from my pet. He had composed a song/poem for me. It’s been ages since he did something like that; I chuckled at parts of it and felt all warm inside over the rest. It shows that a bit of his old self is returning. Gladly, I received that text because my alarm went off right after 5am, which I had been ignoring! I logged onto the site shortly after and wished I hadn't, as people were blaming me for my pet's depression... it stayed on my mind all day long. For some reason, I ended up running late to leave home and also arriving late at University. Traffic was terrible, and by the time I reached my lecture, it had already finished! lol. The lecturer kindly offered a one-on-one session about my disseration, so things seem back on track now. My pet should be here soon. He’s spending the evening with us because he’ll watch my son play his first football match (soccer for those of you overseas!) and then take the kids trick-or-treating! Hopefully, I can get a better sense of how he is feeling about everything overall and return with good news!

**That Didn’t Go Well...** He showed up, hugged me, and I started crying. Then he mentioned something about making his sandwiches for work tonight, and I completely flipped. I am exhausted, drained, utterly wiped out. There is a LOT of university work weighing on my mind right now: essays, presentations, and the dissertation loom large. The conversation we had after trick-or-treating involved me seeing him constantly throw two things at me: You don't need to go to university if all you care about is earning enough money for this house. and YOU are the one who asked me to leave. Right now, I do not want him coming back. I’m tired, I’ve had some vodka and coke, and I still haven’t done sufficient research on my library project. He claims I push too hard for his return home. He wants to spend the weekend watching football with my son and doing Christmas shopping... HOW WONDERFUL! Oops, let me vent a little there! I shouldn't write when I'm tired and bitter. Tomorrow I'll probably feel better... except that tomorrow starts at 5am and won't end until around 10pm. But I’ll get through it. That’s what I do. Looks like dinner with my parents on Saturday is off the table now. He doesn’t want to fake being happy anymore. He wants me to stop asking him to come over for things (kids' commitments) and then criticizing him afterward. I can't help telling him how awful my day was. Today truly sucked. I’m too tired.:( This phase will pass eventually.

**Not Sure....** ....about how I feel today. The last few days haven’t been great, and since I didn't want to be moaning constantly, I skipped blogging. On Friday night, I called my pet when I knew he’d likely be at work—it’s the only time I can be sure he is awake. It took several attempts before he answered; apparently his phone was on his desk while he worked in the warehouse. We talked for over an hour, most of which he spent crying. By the end, I learned that he feels I threw him out (this point always comes back to haunt me, but really I just asked him for some space—if I had truly thrown him out, all his belongings would have gone with him) and that every time he starts feeling better, I call and criticize him... That wasn’t my intention; I simply wanted him to know I missed him. On Saturday, he was supposed to come watch the football match with my son. In the morning when I asked if he was still planning it, his response was "I don't feel like it." I flipped out again and decided to seek advice from the next most powerful woman in his life... his mother. She has no clue what’s happened; he just stays in his room all day refusing to speak. She said she would handle something, noting that he is pushing his limits now and really needs to return to me, my kids, and more importantly, his 5-month-old daughter. At 10am Saturday I received a text saying he was taking a nap and would come over for the football. I didn’t actually hear from him again until Sunday at 1:30pm when he called while doing Christmas shopping with his mother and sister, simply saying "I love you." At that moment (having just bought a new PINK phone!), I felt upbeat so managed to keep our conversation happy in hopes that he will eventually return. Some parts of me say it’s over... but I am so sure he is the one! This isn't puppy love for me. With enough relationships under my belt, I know he is the person I can spend the rest of my life with, IF we can manage this depression issue. If the depression proves too difficult to resolve, or if being with me truly makes him miserable, then I suppose I have to accept that it’s over. To an outsider looking in, he might seem very selfish, but the person he has become these past few months is just not quite himself.:(

**After a Brief Pause!** There are a couple of reasons I haven’t blogged recently... busy, very busy! Also... sometimes I feel inadequate as a potential Mistress so I hesitate to share my journey here. However, I received a lovely private message saying that my honesty is refreshing. We all have to start somewhere, and this truly is a journey. I see little pieces of my new Dominant self emerging every day, and if I can help another woman discover her power and use it well, then blogging will have been worth it. Since my pet left, I’ve been losing weight (too busy to eat!) and taking better care of myself. I’m not entirely sure why this is happening, but I am indulging in pricey body and bath products instead of the cheaper brands... telling myself that I AM a Goddess, so I won’t settle for less than the best! I’ve also grown quite fond of cold morning showers. Strange as it sounds, it’s true. It wakes me up completely. Good for hair and skin too—a nice bonus. And naturally, it helps get into those tight rubber outfits better.;) So... onto another day... Oh yes, my pet is still happy enough, if not EXTREMELY enthusiastic about getting pierced and permanently chastised. I would be incredibly annoyed if he decided to go ahead without me... in the meantime, I’m making sure I get what I need, while his frustration grows. He isn’t locked up right now, so he can masturbate, but that’s fine by me because it isn't really what he wants deep down. He wants to fuck my pussy... and *I* will decide when *I* feel like it!!!!

**Moving Forward or Stagnating...** Feeling rather grumpy today. I let my imagination run wild this morning and worried myself silly thinking my pet might abandon me for someone else! This may seem a bit foolish (okay, quite FOOLISH) considering that on Thursday he submitted to a PA piercing just to please me and fully surrender himself to my future care. I’m blaming stress from the pile-up of assignments, Christmas approaching quickly, my pet still not being home yet, and severe lack of sleep. I am also slightly annoyed that my pet isn't trying at all to see me this weekend. I do understand he hasn’t slept well since the piercing due to discomfort, so perhaps I shouldn't be too upset. I know he needs his rest, and sooner or later he will come home pierced and ready for permanent locking up. A part of me thinks he is staying away because there’s no chance of sex right now. Then that stresses me out: once locked, logically should he lose all interest in me... shouldn’t he!? Gosh, I am confused today. Patience really is a virtue worth having, I guess. I really must get more sleep and calm my inner Goddess/Princess down. I can't figure out why my confidence has dropped lately. Ah wellll....

**Ready to Go!** It’s just not fair *stomps feet and pouts* Every day I find small ways that I’m feeling sexier, more dominant, and more in control. I still have moments where my old self surfaces and feels like it can't cope without a man, but generally speaking, I'm doing okay. I just wish someone to play with right now. With my pet absent, and then knowing we shouldn’t rush into things when he returns, the frustration builds up sooooooooooo much. Guess I will have to use this time to gather my ideas and revel in my newfound confidence. I definitely think of myself more as a Princess than a Goddess... just one of those silly reflections from today. I always was Daddy's Princess, and I do like being treated like royalty; 'Princess' sounds such a pink word. Maybe I should try leaning into that role. But "Yes Mistress" always sounds so delicious!

**Happy!!!** Wow, yesterday just clicked for me! My pet thinks he'll be moving back in within a week or so! The horrible essay I'd been struggling with finally fell into place. I went to book a hotel room for Saturday night to avoid some home improvements and managed to secure a stunning room perfect for play at a lovely nearby hotel. I feel completely revived! It feels like I've had a holiday in the Bahamas! Refreshed! Actually, feeling.... well really horny and ready to play!

**The Issue...** I think I know where my mistake lies! Because I’ve always struggled with self-esteem, finding it hard to believe someone would genuinely want to serve me. My pet and I had a lovely weekend away together. However, it was clear that I wasn't really in control. I made too many allowances and let him get away with quite a lot. He did point out at one stage that I should be "telling" him what to do rather than just "asking" I still worry because of the depression issues, but I’m starting to think maybe I need to stop making those allowances and start treating him like a pet 24/7. Perhaps that is exactly what he has been crying out for. Hmmmm.....

**Events of Yesterday** Well where do I begin about my day! This morning, my pet arrived at my house because I’d asked him to help move some things in and out of the roof space. He didn't come empty-handed. 12 Krispy Kreme donuts, 2 bags of M&Ms, sandwiches for lunch, and then he tried force-feeding me (and my children) hot cross buns for breakfast. He ran around like an excited puppy all morning while I prepared to leave, looking obviously very happy. When he went in for a goodbye kiss, I noticed he hadn’t shaved *again*! This sloppy habit since he stopped living here is really getting on my nerves, so I refused to kiss or hug him until he had shaved properly. He looked quite lost and put out as I left for uni. At the last traffic lights heading into town, I got a text from him showing what was waiting for me when I returned home with a gorgeous picture of his cock and piercing. That just kept getting me thinking alllll dayyyy longgg!!! Lol So I decided right then to leave lectures early and head home to surprise him. It was a very long day! I got back as quickly as possible, grabbed the hood and chains/padlocks I use for tying him to the bed, and went upstairs where he would be sleeping. I kissed him awake (since he had shaved nicely!) and we just chatted. Things weren’t going according to plan, and I completely lost my Domme cool. Not knowing how to transition from chat mode to kinky mode cost me a good 15 minutes. Eventually I decided now or never: told him to close his eyes, and he got all giggly realizing I was undressing. I grabbed the hood and forced it over his head then started chaining him to the bed. I went straight for the kill, instructed him to lift his feet up near his bottom and spread his knees so I could get full access, and spent my time slowly fingering his subby pussy while watching him wriggle in enjoyment. When I grew tired of that, I knelt by his face. He immediately tried reaching up toward my pussy even while wearing the hood. So I rolled it up to expose his mouth, sat down, and told him to lick me; I’m not rushing to cum, so take your time. I won't go into the obvious mechanics of what happened next, but it was exquisite. Found myself talking quite a bit while being licked out. Told him he needs better training and more obedience. Explained that in future when I click my fingers, I want you kneeling; when I say nuzzle, bury your nose in my pussy; and when I say worship, lick me until I cum hard! After I climaxed, I kissed the juices off his face (I love doing that; it reminds me of going down on girls back when I was younger!) Left him hooded and chained while I got dressed. Was quite annoyed to find his socks lying on my bathroom floor. Made him get out of bed to pick them up, but as he walked toward them, I clicked my fingers—he dropped straight to his knees again! Told him to crawl and collect them one by one back to me. He coughed and spluttered at the sight of them but obeyed. Hopefully they won't end up dumped on the floor again! Lol We needed to go shopping later, which was fun too! First off I found pastel colored latex gloves in the household aisle! Was SO pleased! Straight into the basket. Can’t remember exactly what happened further along in the trip, but I had me taunting [his name] is a sissy and his response was odd—he just said shut uppppp in that real girlie stop-but-don't-stop kind of voice. Duly noted. It wasn’t until we were home messing about in the kitchen that I pulled my jumper off because I’d gotten hot, continuing to make coffee wearing only my bra. He playfully groped at my breasts (which he had been doing a lot this evening), so I teased him since I was wearing a gel-padded bra. Took out the gel pads and handed them over saying "here, take these to work." What happened next was even more interesting. He stuffed them up his shirt, puffed out his chest, and said look, they hold their shape! So again I taunted [his name] is a sissy and this time he looked at me with the cutest grin and said shut upppp. Off to work he went wearing the panties I’d worn all day. We were both smiling and delightfully happy. It may seem basic compared to what you long-time BDSMers are used to, but I’m really pleased that these small steps are finally guiding me toward the lifestyle I want.

**Thank Crunchie It's Friday!** I'm in fine spirits today, despite still having two massive essays to write this weekend. The mood boost seems connected to seeing my pet yesterday and noticing all the little signals around us. I feel like things are evolving from a simple liking for silky textures into enjoying wearing panties (even though he constantly complains about hating them... with a smile on his face!) toward the possibility that one day I might gain a sissy maid. For now, I'll encourage fem-dressing during occasional role-playing sessions. There is so much else I want and need to train him for before we fully step into sissyville. He cooked my dinner last night and looked after me well. It had been such a long day at University that I was very grateful. Hopefully he felt rewarded enough to come back for more. At 2am this morning (I wake up at random times) I sent him a photo I took on my phone while playing with him, hooded and tied up. It showed my **latex**-clad fingers pushing into his hole. He texted saying how horny but humiliated he felt seeing it, then called to tell me how happy he is, how much he loves me, how annoyed he is at wearing my panties all night long, and just generally feeling very humiliated! I can't wait to take things further.

**Annoyed?!?! Too Bloody Right!!!** So my pet didn't do what he promised today. He ignored me all day long. Made me feel unloved, unattractive and unwanted. He is a badly trained, disobedient pet and will be punished accordingly. When someone says they will do something THEY SHOULD BLOODY WELL DO IT. And if they change their mind, they should at least have the decency to inform me directly. On days like this I want to throw in the towel... not on being a **Mistress**... heaven's NOOOOO, I adoreeee the new me! But he needs to learn to behave properly. If he wants this lifestyle, he needs to step up to the mark (or kneel at it). I will NOT be spending hundreds on a **chastity** device for my little darling unless he sorts himself out first. If he cannot worship me because he is too busy in his own precious world with his Xbox and constant sleeping... then maybe he needs a hand? Cuckolding never looked so good.

**Good things cum to those who wait...** So I receive a text at 4am this morning (he's a night worker, oh joy!) saying that he didn't feel that he deserved punishment because he hadn't done anything wrong. After some explanation via texts I told him that he had made me wait all day, and I was ignored, and this was unacceptable. He WOULD be punished this evening. He arrived at my house this morning... early!, clean shaven!, wearing weekend panties! AND he brought me his **chastity** diary which I have asked him to keep. I love that little book already. I was getting the idea that he is loving the feminization, but I wasn't sure how hard to push it.... He admitted to playing with the gel pads from my bra and said he wants to serve me dressed as a woman, along with a few other things which is him practically BEGGING to become my girlie girl. I have so many ideas... but with 4 children around its all about time. Hopefully we will get a child free weekend just before Christmas. I have plenty of time to prepare for it, so I want to make it a special "girlie" weekend.

**Ruined Weekend...** Today I'm very sad, disappointed, a bit lost. Saturday was ruined because my pet had promised to go into town and finish my christmas shopping. Therefore I said he did not have to come over to see me, as he would usually on a Saturday. He didn't go shopping, he didn't contact me, he selfishly slept for most of the day, which had a knock-on effect to Sunday. Sunday he took my children out for the day so I could finish a huge assignment. I got hornier and hornier throughout the day, looking forward to him spending the night, and dealing with his **punishment** from Saturday. He texted me with a mild panic attack halfway through the day. This happened last time I suggested him preparing to serve me (I'd given him a week to research manicures in prep for the weekend; he flipped out midweek and we split up). Because of this I told him his tablets weren't working yet, this was all too much pressure and we needed to stop until after christmas. He phoned immediately and practically begged me not to stop. This is what he wanted and he would deal with it. He was miserable when he came home. A stroppy teenager with a face like a wet weekend. His **punishment** (the non-sexual part) was to clean and tidy my bathroom and prepare it for a nice relaxing candle-lit bath, which I really needed after a long day studying. He did it, just, with a stroppy look on his face. I felt so bad that I didn't point out the mistakes... maybe I should have. I needed some things when I was in the bath, so I called him. He shouted back; I just got fed up and annoyed. Needless to say all the sexual fantasies I had for the evening went out of the window. I didn't get to do all the wonderful things I wanted forcefully, which he would have loved and I would have been satisfied... I was left sexually frustrated and felt like I'm no good at this at all. I got upset and cried a little. I told him I *can't* go back to our normal relationship, but this isn't working for me and I don't know where to go. I don't want a 24/7 sissy maid, but I have worked and worked since February to become this fantasy **Mistress**. I humiliate him, tie him up, fuck his ass with my fingers, tease him, gag and hood him, dress him up like a girl... with all the love in my heart. I do all the things he has told me are his fantasies... but I have only asked for 2 things in return... learn to do manicures, and run me a nice relaxing bath. Both simple things surely? Am I asking too much? Today I need to start thinking what I want. I want a pet who *wants* to please me. I do not want to be constantly living up to his fantasies (which although fun, are really hard work!) without any pay off whatsoever. Am I selfish? You decide!

**Aaaaaaaaaaaaargggggggghhhhhhhhhh** So here I am... in theory a **Mistress**, but I can't control my pet for toffee. I have been used and abused. I have been coerced into becoming this Mistress who restrains and humiliates her pet for his pleasure. Where is *my* pleasure? At the moment there is none. But what do I do? I can't go back, I can't magically become vanilla again can I? Am I over-reacting? Should I have been more specific? No, and no... my pet, the old pet, the pet that once was would have known how to make me happy in just one task. But now... why should he? He stays at home with mummy, sleeping, eating and playing his precious Xbox... acting like the young stroppy, post-teen that he is. Why should I expect any more? Why should I expect to believe that he wants this? Because he begs me constantly? But what does he want? I think he wants the kinky sex. He wants to be fucked and humiliated, but give nothing in return. The ultimate top from the bottom.

**Reflections...** Looking back, I freely admit I misjudged the whole bathroom event. *sigh* Given my time again I would have made sure he knew what was expected. He didn't really make any mistakes; except that he only gave 80% of what I knew he was capable of. He was tired.... He really needs to learn. Tired is not when your hours are messed up over the weekend, tired is looking after a baby that wakes hourly for 3 nights because she has a cold, and then waking again when she doesn't need you just to make sure she's ok. Tired is trying to cram in University assignment writing into every waking hour, and revising for a very hard exam, whilst creating an outfit for a 9 year old for a school performance (asked for on Monday, required on Wednesday), attending all said performances, carol singing, football matches, and school activities. Tired is trying to prepare for our first christmas together on top of all that. And the laundry. And the housework. And helping the kids with their homework... need I go on? I love my position as Mistress and wouldn't change it for the world. I just need to be met half way. I may have over-reacted, but given the circumstances I wanted a candle-lit bath, with bubbles and music and a glass of something, and a warm towel, a hug and to be snuggled in bed after a massage. I...was...tired! I have learned: 1) be more specific in your wants 2) don't push a tired pet! 3) count to 10 every so often 4) I am in control, and sometimes I need to TAKE control, realizing that every day cannot be a play day. I still feel there needs to be more given from my pet now though. He needs to grow up a little and realize that there is no magic tablet that can make him realize he is a father, he is a partner, he has responsibilities; he either needs to accept that and step up to the mark, or say his goodbyes. I hope it is not the latter, because I adore him, he is my soul mate, and its worth working for.

**Sad Thoughts...** Thinking a lot about my relationship with pet lately. I have not spoken to him since we parted on Sunday. The last thing I said was that he was lazy, selfish and unreliable. I still don't regret that; the more I think about it, the more I agree with it. That's not to say Im happy about it. I love him, and fully intended to spend the rest of my life with him. Im not entirely sure what to do about it all, so I attempted to strip the relationship apart, remove the **BDSM** element and try and see it for what it was. He has suffered from depression. He works night shifts. He is 22 years old. He has never lived with anyone before me, only at home with his mum. These are the facts. When he lived with me I don't think I ever asked him to do anything. He did things if he felt like it; and didn't laze around all the time, but nothing really got done!!! I guess its because of this that I get resentful. When I do ask for things to be done, there is a pulling of faces, like its the end of the world. Apparently I do not understand that he works hard all way. I don't agree with that. Ive always let him have as much sleep as he needed, let him play Xbox if he wanted, and kept him fed and totally sexed-up. I think once in our relationship Ive said no; I have always been accommodating. That said, we now havent had sex since 28th October. I miss it.:o(I have been satisfied on numerous occasions, but its not the same for me. I cant explain. I miss the intimacy. I cannot figure out how I could have made his life any better. I still wonder to this day what I ever did wrong! If I do lose him (and I think I already have), I will always be thinking of the day when it hits him when hes found someone else and has kids with her. He may find someone like me who will live out his every fantasy, he may find someone who never asks him to cook and clean, or babysit, or do the shopping, or diy. Im not sure though. One day he will find out that life is hard, busy and tiring. Part of me still hopes that he will realize this before we are truly separated; he will appreciate what I can offer him, and come home. I just know I cant have him home until he can find how to make himself happy, be less self-centred, and learn to deal with tiredness like most parents do. Now to include the D/s portion of our relationship. I never wanted a 24/7 sissy maid, or a slave (**slave**), or a **submissive**. I call him pet for a reason. That is because pets are pampered and looked after. They are for company and enjoyment. He was for fun! My ideal D/s relationship? I want to have the bedroom freedom. I love to humiliate him, tease him and deny him; I want him in chastityI want to demand my own sexual pleasures. I want to dress up and role play pretty much all of our time together. Outside the bedroom? I want him to be romantic, attentive, see to my needs before I even know I have them. Simple things, just an awareness of me and keeping me happy. Its raining? Get me an umbrella! My glass is empty? Offer me a drink! Its not rocket science. I just want to be a precious princess. Pampered in my own way. I guess I want to be wooed!!!! I can do housework, I can cook, I can look after the kids but on the day when I turn around and order him to clean the bathroom, cook a meal, rub my feet; I just want him to smile and be grateful to serve me. Because it brings him pleasure. Because he wants me to be pleased and proud of him. I love him with all my heart. But Im not sure this can be fixed.

**I'm ill, not ignoring!** Wow, the site has been busy. I'm a wee bit poorly and not up to catching up on all the malarky that's been going on; my head is a mess... head cold I guess! My pet is around looking after me, and I do have lots to say, but at the moment, I just need my bed and maybe a whisky or at least a hot milk *snaps fingers*. I am aware I have a few outstanding pms....I will be back to you all asap, thank you.

**End of story?** I’ve been away for a bit because real life hit hard! It was mostly a terrible cold that kept me down for a few days (ugh) and Christmas prep left me completely drained. Picking up the thread Last Saturday is when things started to sort themselves out. I finally had enough of how my pet and I were doing, so I decided to settle it once and for all. We hadn’t spoken in a week, but that was his weekend to move back home. Our daughter got her first tooth that day too, which made me sad he wasn’t there to share the moment, and I realized I do want him around permanently, no matter what. I called him about 50 times eventually. He’s impossible to wake up; nothing gets through if he’s truly asleep. So I had to call his mum and throw a tantrum that it was mid-afternoon with no sign of him. She woke him up and rang back to confirm she’d done just that. Two hours later, still no call from him. I went through a million emotions in that time, swinging from hatred to despair and back again, so I called mum one more time! I burst into tears over the phone about how it was such a big day for our baby girl and felt treated like total rubbish. This stops NOW. Five minutes later, I spoke to him on the line. His mum had given him a piece of her mind (hurray mums!) and he wasn’t too happy either. By then, I was emotionally spent and said enough is enough; this was my deal: come home and I’ll put up with every bit of nonsense you throw at me until you stabilize, the medication kicks in properly, and we get a real family routine going. I don’t want ANY PART of that D/s setup anymore—no bondage, no milking, no scenes, no dressing like a girl, no **chastity**. It’s been such stress on top of everything else. Just come home so we can be a normal vanilla couple. He said he’d be back in about an hour and take me out for dinner. The evening was lovely. We talked while I got ready and seemed to agree we’d be fine as a vanilla pair, though I think we both knew D/s wouldn’t vanish completely—and it didn’t (lol). My pet gets down on his knees before me and gives me a gift. He said it was something we’d discussed and he wanted to give it to me after my exam on Thursday, but I hadn’t let him see me all week. I opened the small cardboard box and it took a moment to work out what it was. It was a tiny silver case, about 2 inches long by an inch deep and wide. The top is enameled in pink and white with a purple oval stone surrounded by white diamante crystals. It was beautiful, clearly meant as a safe spot for the **key**. I was so overwhelmed that he chose something so perfect and stunning I couldn’t bring up our recent changes! Oh dear. Inside it had pink lining and held a gorgeous key charm studded with crystals. Everything felt very romantic, reminding me of him before we had the baby and his depression set in. I decided not to dwell on it and we went out for dinner. We fit together so well. He’d recorded a silly tune he liked, which I loved playing over and over in the car. We reached for each other’s hands at the same time while driving and giggled like teens. Everything felt normal again. But all my sexual thoughts were still D/s focused, and I noticed many little things: him opening doors, offering to help with the baby so I could finish dinner before it got cold, making sure I had everything I needed—it was perfect. When we got home, I’d already decided what I wanted to do! I bought the Knotty Boys **rope** bondage book. It’s gorgeous rope work and I wanted to try it for fun. So that’s exactly what we did. I’m actually quite good at it! We ended up having sex in a semi-vanilla way. He couldn’t help asking permission, and I couldn’t help taking charge. I was really enjoying myself. His absolute favorite thing is when he fucks me hard and cums deep inside (not ideal for **chastity** relationships, we agreed) so while he was pounding away near the edge, he gave me that look and asked if he could cum. I replied that since it’s been such a long time since he came inside me, he better make it special. He started to gear up, fucking exactly how I like it, and asked again if he could cum. I said no. He was totally shocked, let out a nervous giggle, hesitated, but kept going—please? But I was having too much fun, so I stopped him and made him lick and kiss me to **orgasm** first. It felt delicious, but I knew I still wanted his load inside. So after I was satisfied, it was back to fucking—which I dragged out as long as possible—he was definitely ready when I finally said yes. A quivering wreck of "thank you Mistress, thank you Mistress" hehe. So who knows what happens next? We have this weekend together with no kids, but lots of Christmas prep left. We’ve made time for dinner and a movie tonight. Just back to basics. A bit less pressure from both sides I guess, returning to what we enjoy rather than fitting into the perfect D/s scenario. My life is about being with him and keeping him happy. His life is about being with me and keeping me happy. That’s what relationships are all about!!! I’ve always been the **dominant** partner, and I’ll stay that way. I need to control my anger and harness my power. He needs to shut up and serve!

**Post Christmas Depression...** I feel terrible. Really bad! Lethargic and overwhelmed simultaneously. I want to box up anything sexual and leave it there for a long time. My sex drive has dropped off completely. I think this is partly because Christmas is over (what stress!) and now I have more assignments plus my dissertation due in January. To be honest, I’m exhausted. I just want to curl into a ball somewhere and feel like no one! Usually when I write these depressing posts, I feel better within hours! So who knows, maybe this post will do the trick.

**Busy busy!** I was right; after that last post we managed some great vanilla sex. Three times in two days, which is way more than recent weeks. Plenty of D/s talk and lots of realizing it’s not happening quite yet! We are both exhausted. I have 10 weeks to finish this awful University degree before moving on with my life to study something I actually want to do. I want to be an Executive PA. It suits me perfectly. I was a secretary before kids, and that’s what I’m aiming for. The thought of it actually turns me on, so it must be the right job lol! In the past week, I’ve resorted to sleeping sex. Twice! You’re not kidding. With everything going on here, if I don’t get my fill when we have some time together, I won’t get any at all. The first time was fantastic. Unexpectedly so. Pet came home from a terrible night at work and didn’t want to talk about it, so we snuggled up. Then he got up, closed the door, and told me to take off my pajama bottoms. He asked if I minded; I said no way—and he just fucked his frustrations away. It was wonderful. This morning he asked if I wanted sex. Yes, but I was exhausted, so I let him get on with it again (God, I sound awful!). Afterwards, though, I was annoyed because I was close to cumming while he was fucking me, and he did nothing to help me finish! Then it hit me. That’s not like him. He was tired, yes, but I have a feeling there is some topping from the bottom here! Now I’m really horny and frustrated, especially since it’s the weekend! We’ll actually be in bed together, which doesn’t happen often with his night shifts. Does anyone else think he might be hinting at Domme action? Bless. I hope so. In fact, I’ll play along with his little game. A bit of hooding, gagging, and **bondage** is on the menu. I’ll tease him for a while, get my couple of orgasms, then let him sleep. See! Now I’m horny. Yep. After a nice bath later, I’ll dress up all sexy in a kinky outfit plus boots and have some fun. Remind him what we really want.

**Where am I!!!???** A quick update on why I haven’t blogged much lately! It’s a nightmare here at the moment. Only eight weeks until I finish the final part of my Degree, then three exams in May/June and it’s all done. The stress in this house is intense. We’d say we’ve taken a break from D/s, but that isn’t entirely true. Our sex life (a bit slow due to stress and tiredness) has been vanilla with a twist lately. On Wednesday I decided I was being selfish by not giving my pet enough attention recently; most of our sex had me half-asleep. I couldn’t concentrate on the essay I was writing, but wasn’t feeling particularly horny (yay for stress! Blah). I just wanted to be hugged and stroked, figuring I’d give a little something back to him. I wandered upstairs, fetched out the **hood** and shoved it over his head, waking him quite abruptly. He didn’t grumble much; must say that was good! Lol. I stripped naked, sat on his lap, and told him I needed to relax while he stroked all over my body, paying attention to my breasts and nipples again—no complaining allowed! Naturally, I ended up incredibly horny and laid him back down, pulling the hood up just enough for his nose and mouth. I proceeded to sit on his face and make him lick me. I love how oral sex feels more intense in 69 position, so I turned around and went at it; he was going wild by then and came about two seconds after me. He looked stunned but extremely happy! When we had a bit of intercourse earlier too, he begged to become my **slave**. We haven’t discussed much lately because life has been so busy. I locked him temporarily in his CB6000 and his attitude changed instantly—so adoring, so obedient! I decided to start taking measurements again and order our Lori device. The timing is good; it will arrive after University finishes when I’ve had time to think things through. Then we can step into this wonderful world. Thank you all for your lovely private messages. Sorry if I haven’t replied as much recently.

**Does it ever get any easier?** Yet another day spent asking myself why am I doing this? Two days ago, after another huge row, we decided between us that trying to fit a D/s lifestyle into our lives was too stressful and made us miserable. I missed the dynamic immediately. All those times of sneaky plots and scenes are gone. When shopping for underwear now, I have to remind myself who it’s actually for! I love thinking this will suit him better than me. I want to blame him. He is selfish, lazy, and inconsiderate. Last night (after a confusing chat about queening stools!) he suggested writing down everything he expects from D/s so I can post the list for others to judge if he’s being unreasonable. The blame ultimately lies with me though. I’m not really a Domme; I can’t control him properly. I worry even starting to try might fail. I expect him to do what I ask, carry out **punishment**, but he isn’t interested. According to him, I have to force the issue. I get it, I understand, but I just can’t bring myself to force something that makes him miserable. In an attempt to see where we stand, I asked him to massage my feet. Something he should love, surely??? Mr Foot-**fetish** himself would definitely let me see that twinkle in his eye saying *I love this, I worship you, I want to make you happy.* No. He watched TV the whole time. Today, in another flaming row, I asked where the boyfriend who worshipped me naturally had gone. The man I fell in love with two years ago is now a TV-watching, Xbox-playing slob who ties himself up and does all the hard work for me. Apparently his life has changed. Apparently so have mine. Where is the bubbly little me? The happy, chirpy, bouncy version? I’m pretty sure her energy was sucked out when the demands to Dominate came thick and fast. I tried and tried, but it still wasn’t enough. Do I carry on? Do I try learning more and becoming more forceful? In a fit of anger, I slapped his face. He cried. It turned me on, but he was more than upset. I don’t blame him. I’m not even sure if he’s in the house anymore; I see another separation coming. Amidst the confusion, the Lori tube has been ordered. Can I fix this within 90 days? Will I ever learn to be **dominant**? Am I dominant naturally but have lost my confidence because of a bratty, lazy **slave**? A bitter-sweet day as always in the house of Watchful!

He pushed it over his head, rousing him suddenly. He didn’t complain much; that was a good sign! Lol. I stripped off completely and sat on his lap, telling him I needed to unwind while he stroked all over me, paying special attention to my breasts and nipples—no whining allowed! Naturally, I got very aroused and laid him back down, pulling the hood up just enough for his nose and mouth. I proceeded to sit on his face and make him lick me. I love how oral sex feels more intense in 69 position, so I turned around and went at it; he was going wild by then and came about two seconds after me. He looked stunned but extremely happy! When we had a bit of intercourse earlier too, he begged to become my **slave**. We haven’t discussed much lately because life has been so busy. I locked him temporarily in his CB6000 and his attitude changed instantly—so adoring, so obedient! I decided to start taking measurements again and order our Lori device. The timing is good; it will arrive after University finishes when I’ve had time to think things through. Then we can step into this wonderful world. Thank you all for your lovely private messages. Sorry if I haven’t replied as much recently.

**The Joy of New Shoes!** Oh my bizarre little world! A parcel turned up today, it was new shoes. Not for me. Id ordered my (once adorable) pet his first girlie shoes before Christmas and pretty much forgot about them. Well lo and behold they turned up today. We had (yet another) argument this morning. He snuggled up to me in bed, started playing with my breasts and pinching my nipples which I thoroughly enjoy and promptly fell asleep in the middle of it. Annoyed is an understatement. But being the bad **Mistress** I am, I couldnt wait to give him the shoes! He just couldnt wait to get them on. They are a little too big, so I must remember that next time, but he insists they are fine and refuses to let them go back. He should be able to manage in them, they are secure when buckled and not too high. Good training shoes. So one thing lead to another and I fetched out a long blonde wig. Im still not convinced, I think he should be brunette, but thats easily fixed. I also got out a bra and thong set I bought a week or so ago but didnt have a chance to give him. Then we progressed on to a tight lycra school uniform I bought for ME! For heavens sake. I swear it fits him better. A lot of fussing and attention and he was horny as hell. We had a little chat about things in general and I feel a lot more confident in my position as **Mistress**. I can see how much he wants to be a little sissy for me. But hes a slut, not a maid! We discussed how uptight I get when I know an opportunity to play is coming ie the kids will be away, so I explained there is an easy way round that. If he wants to calm me down and be assured of a full-on kinky sex-fest then he needs to relax me. We talked about a bathing ritual and a dressing ritual (for both of us) and that should get us in the mood to play further. Sometimes Im so impatient I forget that these things take time and education.