Journals and blogs discussion

Ah, the beautiful paradoxes. That pretty much sums up my existence. Where to begin? Always a tricky question. I suppose chronological order is as good a place as any, even if it means wandering around without really knowing where I’m headed. Honestly, that’s usually more enjoyable.

I have memories of being very young—perhaps five or seven years old—in the early 80s; I think I had just started school by then. My memory gets a bit hazy for those days. It was Inspector Gadget. Penny always seemed to be getting tied up in knots. That felt like my first real introduction to BDSM, however rudimentary it may have been. Of course, it took me years later to actually understand what the term meant. Even back then, I knew it sparked something in me. I’m fairly certain that’s around when I began masturbating on a regular basis. It was more of an instinctive “this feels nice” than a conscious realization like “I know exactly what this is and it’s great.”

Despite being described as the life of the party, wait, no—that doesn’t sound right; wallflower or recluse fits better—I gravitated toward books. I read voraciously, tackling topics well beyond what other kids my age were reading. I distinctly recall devouring Stephen King’s It and The Stand in about seventh grade while everyone else was stuck on that Goosebumps junk. Then there was a book by Mercedes Lackey (if memory serves), where I first encountered the word “bondage.” Having never seen it before, and noticing its connection to the hinted-at sexuality in the story, I decided it was time for a dictionary check. Goodness me, this is completely bizarre. I don’t really get it yet. Oh wait, let’s look at a dictionary that isn’t ancient (by the way, those older dictionaries are fantastic; back then, a computer was literally a human being). Okay, now it makes slightly more sense. I’ll keep that word in mind.

Anyway, time marches on and our tiny town out in nowhere Alberta gets this miraculous invention called the Internet. Since the early web wasn’t particularly useful yet, I discovered Usenet. Let’s try searching for “bondage” again. Well, there goes my world as I knew it. It was pretty much downhill from that point forward. It felt like a child in a candy store: you find something yummy, then turn slightly and discover something even better. Over the years, things I previously ignored have grown on me. Things that once repulsed me now barely register. There is such a vast rainbow of kinks and perversions I care about that it would probably be easier to list what I don’t like. But I won’t get into all that right now.

Well, that’s enough for tonight. I figure I should break this post up because if I come back tomorrow, I’ll just delete it without ever finishing the thought. There will definitely be more coming. In my 27 years of life, there are plenty of fun little details to summarize an incredibly dull existence. See you all tomorrow, most likely.

Welcome aboard! Please share more with us.:-) mikecb

**Of girls and my own foolishness.** Thanks to the Internet, I learned about things that existed without me ever knowing. Wonderful discoveries that remained highly erotic for me even today. Naturally, this complicated matters. I hadn’t even kissed a girl yet, let alone slept with one. Why would I bother? First, the Internet offers it all for free. Second, my interests lean toward the darker and messier side. Being raised Catholic meant I got plenty of guilt thrown in automatically. I still wrestle with that sometimes. Third, I always had a soft spot for unreachable girls. Now here’s an interesting timeline to consider. I believe my first crush was on a girl named Jill. That must have been back in first or second grade. There was likely another girl who liked me too, but I can't quite recall her name. Then I relocated to another small town. A neighbor girl, Becky, comes to mind. I remember playing house with her and her sister, always preferring the role of pet. Looking back now, I see how much that signaled my submissive nature. Eventually, I got in trouble for something and was forbidden from seeing her anymore—a good thing, I think, because her family belonged to "that" crazy church which wasn't Catholic. In grade school, there was Nicole. I completely missed out on Whitney, who was quite attractive; such is the story of my infatuation with Nicole again. Once more, nothing happened and once more I moved away. I ended up in the town where I discovered the Internet. This time it was Marie. I remember crushing hard on her from the moment I saw her. At the same time, one girl—a close friend named Rachel—was actively pursuing me. She tricked the teacher into giving her my locker combination and I started calling her "my stalker" because I had no idea who she really was. This went on for several months until it finally clicked. I wasn’t exactly the sharpest tool in the shed. It’s been a few years since I’ve felt genuine attraction toward a girl. The endless cycle of rejection and unrequited love took its toll. I’m still a virgin at 27; honestly, I didn't kiss my first girl until I was 26. It wasn’t exactly graceful. So now there is bitter solitude because I put myself here, and I haven't felt the desire or need to climb out of the hole I dug for myself by remaining oblivious to girls other than that one specific crush. More tomorrow.

Very interesting journey. I look forward to reading more. Any girls on the radar at the moment?

Busy night tonight so no ranting and raving. As for girls on the radar, none really. I am chatting with a girl but she is horribly vanilla and not terribly compatible with me sexually and socially. I'm a huge nerd, her, not at all. Other than her, no other girls. I haven't changed much so I'm still hiding in my room avoiding people.

Heh. Well, Nerd is the new Cool. Don't worry about THAT! lol. If you have a very deeply seated interest in fetish and kink, I'd suggest you try a few things. First, see if there's a Munch in your area. Most areas have a local BDSM group that gathers at intervals in a safe, "vanilla" place to get together and meet each other. It's a good place to meet like-minded people. If you go, you'll discover that few if any of the people at the munch are super-model, ultra social people. They're nerds, just like you and me. Many are shy. Many are inexperienced. Frankly, as experienced people interested in BDSM pair off, they tend to stop attending munches. That's not 100% true, but probably better than 80%. I guess what I'm trying to say is that you shouldn't feel uncomfortable that you don't have a lot of dating experience, if you go to a munch. There are probably women there that have exactly the same anxieties as you. Another thought, depending on your finances... through a munch, you might get pointers to a good local pro-domme. It would give you an opportunity to experience some of the BDSM, without the sex of course, and see if it really scratches an itch for you. It's also a way to gain confidence and comfort with your body, and someone else being involved in your kink. I think the very WORST thing you can do is fantasize and continue to develop your interest in fetish, while "shopping" for someone in vanilla circles. Finding a partner who is into kink is a blessing. MAKING a partner interested in kink is damn near impossible. Take this from a man who's been with a very vanilla woman for 20 years. Some things you just can't change. Though my wife just doesn't "get" kink, she's at least open minded enough to understand I need it. I had my first "spa day" with a Pro Domme this year, with my wife in attendance. It REALLY satisfied a need I had, that my wife couldn't fulfill. I expect we'll be doing it more regularly. She has spa days for massages and seaweed wraps. My spa days will involve paddles, nipple clamp and flogging. Woo hoo!:-) Anyway, best of luck. If there's anything we can do to help, or questions you have, please do ask! mikecb

This is a bit earlier than I had anticipated, but mikecb brought it up. It’s all HIS FAULT my story is losing direction. That’s a lie, it never had direction. I keep swinging between bitching and moaning I’ll always be alone, accepting the fact I will always be alone and panicking that it’s far, far too late. It’s a wonderful life. I hate being the third wheel. All of my close friends, all 4 of them, are in a relationship. Well, it’s more like I’m friends with two couples. Regardless, it’s no fun going out for dinner and always being the single loser who gets the bill by himself. I’d say it was nice to get the cheaper one but I can eat a lot and I buy stupid things like milkshakes, so it adds up. Anyway, it bothers me to see people having fun with a significant other, only because I don’t have a relationship. I’ll say stuff about it and we all have a good laugh. Then I get to a point where I figure I don’t need a relationship. I’ll never find anyone who meets my ridiculous criteria for potential dating material so why bother looking. I’m better off all alone, since I am weird and a pretty solitary creature by nature. Yeah, that’s right. Screw all this relationship bullshit and potential mind games. And while we’re at it, you are totally broken and it wouldn’t be fair to any girl that you chloroform and abduct hoping Stockholm sets in and she actually cares for you. No one likes you, they just tolerate you. Sure, it’s defeatist, but only a little. Sunday night rolls around and I freak out trying to go to sleep. What the hell am I living for? Being alone is kind of scary. You are right fucked, you’ve played your cards and while everyone is rocking full houses and flushes, you are stuck with a rainbow of cards in suits no one has ever heard of because you aren’t even playing the same game. All you are doing with your life is working so you can buy toys to distract you from the dull tedium your empty life has. You have no goals. You have no real chance at a relationship. You have no hope. So, this cycle is really fun and interesting. Occasionally I’ll try and break up the tedium by looking online for a relationship, since you can filter and narrow things down by eliminating people that aren’t into the things you are. I never look too hard, since by then I am back at accepting being alone. It’s fun to look though. I’m not too sure about the munch thing. I’m far too introverted and I hate going to things all alone since I am a total failure at conversation and am brutally shy. I also figure I’ll just rot and suffer some more, because I deserve it for some reason. This may sound like I need professional help, but it is mostly just musings. I’m fairly normal in everyday life.

I’m a bit of a control freak. Hah, a bit. It’s probably why I am so interested in BDSM and power exchange. It’s the reason I’m such a wreck, I'm sure. I like to be in control of things relating to me. I don’t care about others too much, but if I am working on something or it involves me, it has to be done my way. Parts of my fantasies revolve around submitting to a woman. And at the same time I want to be in charge sometimes too. I guess that I am a switch. I’d probably have to experience it first to really know. I recently have started enforcing a no orgasm rule for myself. I don’t have a CB yet and am not sure I want to fork over that amount for something I can’t wear 24/7 and would only be a toy that I would rarely play with. Maybe I will someday, if I get a girlfriend. Regardless, I’ve been torturing myself. Edging and not permitting orgasm. The rules are no orgasms except on Sundays. I've failed a few times, but I've punishments for those transgressions. Playing solo might as well go the whole way and dom/sub myself. I have a huge panty fetish. Not wearing them, yet I assume. I just love the fabrics and the feel of them. I recently ordered a bunch; I’ll probably just collect them. Anyone know a good source for the nice shiny satin ones? I’m planning on attending a munch soon too. I'm a little sick of feeling sorry for myself. Sorry about it being a little ramble-y.

I cracked and ordered a CB-6000. Stupid impulse buys. Hopefully I can have some fun with it evenings and weekends, like free minutes on my cellphone plan.

Wow! I can't believe it's taken me so long to get to this blog! I wouldn't worry about being alone forever! You sound perfect to me, I'm sure I'd have great fun with you... unfortunately - wrong time wrong place! But... it does mean that there must be someone for you out there somewhere. Just don't get sucked in by the Dommes who want to take your every penny and abuse you. You sound to sensible for that though! Good luck, keep blogging.:manga_devil:

Everyone has to start somewhere, by yourself isn't too bad at all. Most of use did start out by ourselves, then worked on convincing our others that this would beneficial to them. Some of us are still working it out. By the time you find that someone special you will be a pro at, what you want, what you need, and now chastity. It surly would be better to find out for yourself, if your fantasies are something you want to continue or not. This way, your only quitting something you don't care for, for yourself. Missy Tanya

Thanks for the encouraging words and advice. My CB isn't in yet, but I did get my TENS unit. It sure came in fast. I hate ordering stuff off the web, I want my instant gratification.

Got my CB-6000. Having some troubles getting into it:(

well getting into those cb's is always interesting. Usually after the first few times it does get easier. I agree with Mike looking in Vanilla circles is like playing a game at the county fair. Often times it is rigged and you never end up with the prize you really wanted. Trust me took me 10 years of searching to find my other half in the world. I tried vanilla and only ended up depressed in the end when i handed them floggers and restraint and told them to tie me up and make me their slave girl it always went badly. Though in the BDSM community there are a lot of users so do be careful. Get to know someone before playing, don't rush. There are a lot of emotions that can get involved and bad things can happen like a sub whom I talked to who was abused in her own house and when she refused to preform the guy left and left her handcuffed which led to and embarrassing incident with a locksmith. Not to mention he knew where she lived. It is hard and we all often end up playing alone for a long time before we find someone. Just remember that you shouldn't have to pay or give up too much of yourself to find someone. And as far as nerds I think they are sexy, something about a guy who knows how to use a slide rule yum. And pocket protectors don't get me started. Like Mistress Watchful said wrong time wrong place. Don't give up the fact you are interested enough to get your own cb is a start. but I know how you feel and things will change. But unfortunatly you are part of a large group. Often times on a site I go to sometimes the complaint is too many male subs and not enough Mistresses. But they are out there you just have to spend some time finding the right one. And well if it was easy would it be worth it? Goodluck I know you will find what you are looking for. And the munch idea is a good idea. Luckly you are of a generation I belong to and women seem to be more open minded now than they were even 5 years ago. But it is all a growing experience. Lady Kiz

> Lady_Kismet said: > well getting into those cb's is always interesting. Usually after the first few times it does get easier. I agree with Mike looking in Vanilla circles is like playing a game at the county fair. Often times it is rigged and you never end up with the prize you really wanted. Trust me took me 10 years of searching to find my other half in the world. I tried vanilla and only ended up depressed in the end when i handed them floggers and restraint and told them to tie me up and make me their slave girl it always went badly. Though in the BDSM community there are a lot of users so do be careful. Get to know someone before playing, don't rush. There are a lot of emotions that can get involved and bad things can happen like a sub whom I talked to who was abused in her own house and when she refused to preform the guy left and left her handcuffed which led to and embarrassing incident with a locksmith. Not to mention he knew where she lived. > It is hard and we all often end up playing alone for a long time before we find someone. Just remember that you shouldn't have to pay or give up too much of yourself to find someone. And as far as nerds I think they are sexy, something about a guy who knows how to use a slide rule yum. And pocket protectors don't get me started. Like Mistress Watchful said wrong time wrong place. Don't give up the fact you are interested enough to get your own cb is a start. but I know how you feel and things will change. But unfortunatly you are part of a large group. Often times on a site I go to sometimes the complaint is too many male subs and not enough Mistresses. But they are out there you just have to spend some time finding the right one. And well if it was easy would it be worth it? > Goodluck I know you will find what you are looking for. And the munch idea is a good idea. Luckly you are of a generation I belong to and women seem to be more open minded now than they were even 5 years ago. But it is all a growing experience. > Lady Kiz > Click to expand... My biggest complaint about work is some shit keeps nicking my slide rule. I think someone needs to introduce an electric shock version. It took me 29 years to meet my Miss, it seemed like a lifetime (well it was my life till that point) now things are harder but there is goal and a light at the end of this dark tunnel. Munches are easy nowadays everyone I know of has a meet-and-greeter, I used to do it and basicly I used to introduce new comers, there are those just out for themselve (like the guy that sat next to me once and started masterbating) which I dont mind just ask first, but the majority are great fun and even better friends. Yes there is allot of backstabbing but the majority are here in the scene to explore the same feeling I and you have, treat everyone as you would want to be treated and you cant loose. As for buying a cb yourself, I'd say dont. I was tempted to just buy one, but now Lady Kismet bought me one I can say its the best present ever. It means so much more knowing she cares enough to lock me away in chastity. I guess its like the whole sex before marrage thing, yeah have sex but keep you for the one you love.

Good luck fitting the CB. It DOES take time, and adjustment. Don't get discouraged. It's not uncommon to get so excited as you're trying to put it on, that you can't! lol. Just take your time, breathe, and think of old nuns. You'll get it on eventually!:confused0068: mikecb

Even flaccid I can't seem to get into the tube. It's not that I have a "OMG LOL HUGE" penis, it just doesn't seem to shrink enough? I went to some munches, met some cool people. Going to a play party then Lupercalia. It should be a blast.

Have you tried the "stocking trick" to get into the tube?

Stocking trick? No.

Stocking Trick: