Two years of reading in a public library before writing anything

I did not want it on my own devices, so for two years I read about this in a public library on Saturday mornings, at a desk, like a man doing research for a dissertation. That is either endearing or a warning sign and I am honestly not sure which.

Thirty four, Manhattan, and the reason for the library was not shame exactly. I share an apartment with somebody I have known since college and there is no privacy in it worth speaking of. Two years of Saturday mornings and a notebook I still have.

What the reading gave me is a vocabulary and a fairly clear sense of what I do not want, which I gather is more than most people arrive with. What it did not give me is any idea at all what any of it feels like, and I am aware that this is the part that matters and that no amount of reading substitutes for it.

So what I am asking for is to start very small with somebody experienced. One arrangement, one duty, done for a few months before anything else is discussed. I would rather be given too little than too much.

I do not want credit for the reading. I have noticed men here presenting their reading as a qualification and it is not one. I have a good vocabulary and no experience, which makes me exactly as new as a man who has read nothing, only more likely to use the right word for it.